Subject: Incoming!
Author:
Posted on: 2016-03-28 01:06:00 UTC
My sincerest apologies that this took forever. My thoughts, overall, are positive, and I enjoyed your characters. Here goes:
-I don't belief there needs to be a hyphen in "scuff marks."
-The transition between the following two sentences seems a bit abrupt. She then glanced at the console and wondered why it hadn't started to beep. That's when she noticed the message. How large is this message? Is it paper? Is it digital? How far away from the console is Kelly? A bit more description would make this bit more balanced.
-Should "zavronians" be capital?
-I believe "words" should be capital, as I've always seen it capitalised before.
-In the sentence “Na-Nu Na-Nu!" should the second "Na-Nu" be capital?
-The sentence She un-literally ran into her old acquaintance. is a bit strange. Did they just happen to be in the same hallway? I was a bit confused. By the context, Tom appears to be a janitor. Perhaps a small description of Tom would be nice?
- “Close your eyes and think about Dumbo.” Tom said. Grammar! Quick fix. "Close your eyes and think about Dumbo," Tom said.
-Tom is actually really interesting. I'm intrigued.
-Can someone "lightly bang" into the wall? I'm not sure that that description fits.
- “The co-ed showers are nicer than the guy ones, I don't know how the girl ones are." There should be a semicolon where there is a comma.
- I believe "generic surface" should be capitalised.
- Who is Larry? Is that a typo?
- Is there another scene after Kelly returns from her shower that makes her head to the Marquis de Sod? Or did she head there right after she shower? It is unclear.
- How can a speech be blasted? That confused me a bit, though I'm probably missing something.
My final question is this: there is more, correct? It feels a bit unfinished at the moment.