Pretty Much SFW
"Why can't two cations be together? What if it's true love?"

"So electronegativity is the sex appeal of the atom."

"Hey there; I'm a proton. Are you an electron? Because I'm feeling an attractive force."

Long arguments over whether it would be more accurate to describe carbon atoms as gay or as incestuous, since they like to bond with each other.

Metals are basically communists.

Did you hear about the compound that was a salt before it was cool? It's an ironic compound.

Are you a photon? Because you're putting my electrons in an excited state.

***
There. I win. You can all stop now. And there's more where that came from.