Subject: New mission!
Author:
Posted on: 2016-01-18 23:14:00 UTC
The Aviator and Zeb head into Sofia the First, only to discover Sues with brightly-colored bangs are crawling out of the walls.
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New mission! by
on 2016-01-18 23:14:00 UTC
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Maybe you should slow down a bit to avoid my nitpicks. by
on 2016-01-20 10:28:00 UTC
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He held out a hand and the Aviator took it, standing as well and yawning.
They headed back to the castle as well, having to jog to keep up with the princess. They followed her through the front doors ...
Actually, I cannot pinpoint why the transition between these two paragraphs doesn’t feel right. It may just be the repetition of "as well" and of "They". Replace the first "They" by "The agents" and remove the second "as well"?
She yawned blearily, though the yawn turned into a yelp when their surroundings changed, dumping them in another flashback.
Shouldn't that be "into another flashback"?
The followed her all the way down to the stables, where she found Sofia grooming Minimus.
Should be "They".
He put his eye to the gap, watching with a sour taste in his mouth as he watched Sofia giggling with the Blue Sue about various things.
Watching as he watched? Sounds a bit repetitive.
Insert generic praise etc. I’m at work and don’t have time.
HG -
Isn't that a bit impossible? :P by
on 2016-01-20 13:07:00 UTC
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Avoiding HG's Magic Eye, that is. I think I've had... one mission where you haven't spotted anything?
Fixed everything but the second bit because I'm pretty sure it should be in, not into.
Thanks for the help. :) -
That's a tricky one. by
on 2016-01-20 13:25:00 UTC
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I dropped it into the vat. It dumped them in a flashback.
Why are these two phrases different? Because I agree that they are. It seems to be something about the verb:
I dumped it in the vat. It dropped them into a flashback.
But I can't see any actual difference in the verbs. What if we pick a few others?
I kicked it into the vat. It kicked them into a flashback.
I emptied it into the vat. It emptied them into a flashback. (Er, yuck.)
I deposited it in the vat. It deposited them in a flashback.
I placed it in the vat. It placed them in a flashback.
I left it in the vat. It left them in a flashback.
I think that last one is most telling. The others you can argue I'm doing wrong, but 'left' can't take 'into'. It's... something about the fact that you're describing their final state, rather than the action that's putting them there. There's a really subtle distinction here, and I don't have the words to draw it out. Anyone?
hS -
What I learned at school ... by
on 2016-01-20 16:21:00 UTC
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... is that there is a difference between being in some place, moving into some place, and moving in a certain direction. What I didn’t learn or don’t remember is the correct use of passive voice (I’m not even sure about the terminology), and time travel makes everything more complex, because the past or future isn’t exactly a location. Personally, I wouldn’t treat being dropped in(to) a flashback differently from falling into a plothole, but I may be wrong.
HG -
Somehow... by
on 2016-01-19 13:47:00 UTC
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I knew this fic was going to be mission'd. XD Thank you very much for the writing!
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Congrats on the mission! =] by
on 2016-01-19 02:29:00 UTC
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You should be rightly proud of yourself, and I can actually say that on the Board this time because I didn't beta it. The Aviator and Zeb remain one of my favourite agent pairs, and their sheer exasperation was a joy to read.
I'd say keep up the good work, but a) we both know you will and b) you're probably halfway through the next one by now. =] -
^^; by
on 2016-01-19 02:54:00 UTC
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Not exactly halfway through. Just a quarter.
Kidding, I'm still picking out what I want to spork next. Maybe something from Harry Potter; I've been doing relatively niche fandoms for a bit now. -
Just how fast do you write? by
on 2016-01-18 23:30:00 UTC
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Five days for this new mission? You're just too good. A bit sad to see Ave is already back at the bottom of the pit though, even with her TARDIS back (I understand why, but...). Please, do no let her return to these... moments in the bathroom.
Still, it's a good mission, and it's so good to see a Sue kill herself. Now that's progress. -
Not fast enough. :P by
on 2016-01-18 23:37:00 UTC
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Don't worry, things'll start picking back up for her soon enough. ;)
And I nearly sprayed my laptop with hot chocolate when I read the poison berries bit. This is why you watch your typos... -
Hope it will. by
on 2016-01-18 23:48:00 UTC
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It just seems she never catch a break, so it's good to hear. Especially after seeing the last RWBY episodes. They just ate my soul, I'm not up for more undeserved suffering. (THEM though... We Shinjiro fans know the true power of hatred, so they better run. Will be more funny when they're caught.)
Pretty sure I'd be Laughing on loud if I caught such typo. And I'd mission it just for seeing it happen.