Subject: A classic Sue meets a not-so-classic end.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-12-29 05:01:00 UTC

Good mission. We haven't see a good old LOTR Sue in a while. (How old was this one? I hope that these things aren't still being written after all these years?!)

However, there are quite a few errors.

First of all, formatting. Partway in, the text color changes to gray and never turns back.

As for the story itself:
1) After thwarting of a surprise attack from Aragorn,

A rare double error. First, misspelling: That "of" is obviously supposed to be "off". Secondly, misuse: "thwart" is not followed by "off". The verb should just be "thwarting" -- no "off" -- or else a verb phrase that ends in "off," such as "fending off".

2) the Mini melon was born
As minis are created by misspelled names, "melon" shouldn't be a mini.

3) changing POVS without warning
It should be "POVs"(note the lowercase S), or better yet, spelled out as "points of view". As currently written, the "S" is part of the acronym.

4) Za’kiir deactivated the tool and looked across the lake at the characters. “It worked, thank Alkosh. Their eyes are distant, but canon will resume in a moment.”

By "tool," I am guessing you mean the neuralyzer? If so, then that clause is unneeded. Unless I'm misunderstanding something or Za'kiir somehow turned the neuralyzer into a flashlight, there is no need for him to "deactivate" it once the flash has come and gone.

Reply Return to messages