Subject: Just read it...
Author:
Posted on: 2015-12-28 10:33:00 UTC
The mission, and the death, were interesting, but I have some nitpicks.
-It was pointed out before, but Agent Cadmar is a textbook illustration of why you need Dummies.
-I'm not so sure the Watcher would actually remember the PPC.
I also spotted a typo here: “Oh brother,” Natalie muttered as she got up. Pretty sure you meant bother.
…where they experience an OOC nightmare.
Alas, there may be some technical errors:
... gloated that Kaitlynn would never be as good as archery at him, smirk and all.
Should be "at archery as".
Za’kiir blinked, shocked once more by the sheer illogical possibility Sues possessed that enabled them to say so much in one breath.
Is "possibility" the right word here? I believe you meant "ability".
Is devinstangingly a word? I couldn’t find it in a dictionary. Is it an intentional misspelling of "devastatingly" and I don’t get the joke?
The Fellowship looked each other, stunned, before Legolas had his bow strung again.
Missing word "at"?
HG
”... and turning Legolas devinstangingly OOC. Especially the last one! The penalty is death!”
HG
Good mission. We haven't see a good old LOTR Sue in a while. (How old was this one? I hope that these things aren't still being written after all these years?!)
However, there are quite a few errors.
First of all, formatting. Partway in, the text color changes to gray and never turns back.
As for the story itself:
1) After thwarting of a surprise attack from Aragorn,
A rare double error. First, misspelling: That "of" is obviously supposed to be "off". Secondly, misuse: "thwart" is not followed by "off". The verb should just be "thwarting" -- no "off" -- or else a verb phrase that ends in "off," such as "fending off".
2) the Mini melon was born
As minis are created by misspelled names, "melon" shouldn't be a mini.
3) changing POVS without warning
It should be "POVs"(note the lowercase S), or better yet, spelled out as "points of view". As currently written, the "S" is part of the acronym.
4) Za’kiir deactivated the tool and looked across the lake at the characters. “It worked, thank Alkosh. Their eyes are distant, but canon will resume in a moment.”
By "tool," I am guessing you mean the neuralyzer? If so, then that clause is unneeded. Unless I'm misunderstanding something or Za'kiir somehow turned the neuralyzer into a flashlight, there is no need for him to "deactivate" it once the flash has come and gone.
The mission, and the death, were interesting, but I have some nitpicks.
-It was pointed out before, but Agent Cadmar is a textbook illustration of why you need Dummies.
-I'm not so sure the Watcher would actually remember the PPC.
I also spotted a typo here: “Oh brother,” Natalie muttered as she got up. Pretty sure you meant bother.
…but there have been plenty of missions where First-Person Dummies weren't used, and they turned out fine. It's a matter of preference, really.
And no, I meant for her to say "brother." It's not a typo, actually.
Good point with the Watcher… How could I fix that….
For the Dummy, I get it now, it's just after using it in the precedent missions, then ditching it so quickly... Maybe writing about Zakiir taking it anyway, for precaution, and showing that it was not needed would have worked better? Sorry about that nickpick if it irritates you.
As for the Watcher, he couldn't remember PPC, but I guess he could remember the crazy lady who kept feeding him sweet, almost too sweet, snacks. Or any description of an Agent who used him for corpse disposal.
Stupid mistake. Sorry. It takes place after that solo mission.