Subject: Just to clarify:
Author:
Posted on: 2015-10-15 05:51:00 UTC
Please don't take my statement about the first attempt still being on the front page as a sign that you'll be all ready to go as soon as this Permission attempt also drops off the page. Don't post until you're ready, because really, why use anything less than your best possible effort?
Thanks to eatpraylove and SkarmorySilver for beta reading.
Agent Bios
Prompts
Rini's Horrible Death (Bleepfic, NSFW and NSFB)
Hoom, hoom. Let's see...
Agents:
Let's start with Aiko. Since I don't know very much about the Digimom franchise, I'm afraid there's not much I can comment on in regards to how well it merges with canon. I was a tad disappointed I didn't get a good sense of what she looks like other than 'blue eyes blonde hair', but since that's not the most important thing we're looking for, I'll let it slide.
However, her personality section, I didn't feel like I really got an idea of who she is. "Due to her experience with her home fic, she dislikes ... Suvian children of canon characters (they make her look bad by association), and shipping in which either party (or a character “in the way”) is replaced/thrown wildly OOC, or where the designated third wheel gets killed off." These are both extremely common in fics; I don't think I've seen a single agent who likes these clichés. The dislike of "AU badfic (especially darker AUs)", however, makes a lot more sense, considering her backstory. While that, and the part about her relying too much on other people to be happy, are nice little nuggets of information and her personality, I'm left feeling like there should be a bit more to her.
On Henry: Ehhh. He looks like a decent character, but I find his backstory questionable. At age 19, he could have conceivably begun training as a Healer (thus explaining his utilization of healing spells), but instead, you say he was originally being trained as an Auror. While I can see him possibly picking up on a small handful of healing spells from his family members, the fact that he uses healing spells more than anything is... odd. Especially since they're generally supposed to be kind of difficult to perform. I could buy it if he was originally a Healer in training, but since he was an Auror, it just doesn't add up.
You did give me a bit better picture of what he looks like, so there's something. "Always seen wearing identical red and gold plain robes." is a sentece fragment, by the way, which leads me to...
SPaG
This was... not very good. Along with the aforementioned sentence fragment, here are some of the goofs I spotted.
"It was thankful that the students there had enchanted frogs to guide the way,"
I think perhaps you meant "It was a good thing that the students there had enchanted frogs".
"His troubles suddenly came to an end when he banged his head on a door, having distracted by the thought about a goodfic."
It looks like you're missing a word here. Perhaps "having been distracted by", though then the sentence would become even wonkier.
"So he waited a few minutes to see anyone was already there."
Another missing word; this should be "waited a few minutes to see if anyone was already there".
And that's just a sample; I don't want to go searching for everything I noticed and put them here.
I didn't notice as many SPaG errors in the second prompt, but I did notice something that started bugging me: consistency. You used !? in the first prompt, and ?! in the second. You'll want to make sure you're consistent in how you format thing.
The Prompts
I don't really have much to say here; I did like the second one more than the first, mostly because you did a pretty good job of showing Aiko's franticness in how she was flinging stuff everywhere, rather than just telling us she was panicked.
The first prompt, though, I felt was just 'eh'. You had a lot more of telling and a lot less of showing. For example:
"“Wow, how often do you see two non-canon children OCs in the same place? Guess both of you were Sues back in the day,” Henry said somewhat thoughtlessly."
We can see for ourselves that Henry's comment is thoughtless, so you don't need to inform the readers as such.
"At this point Henry figured it was best to concede defeat. These girls sure could scary when they got angry."
This one actually jarred me out of the story, because the way it was written gave me the sense that Aiko was more sad-upset than 'angry-upset. So when what I was told differed from what I was shown, it threw me off.
Overall, I think you've got a lot of potential, but for now I'm going to have to say Permission Denied. Here's to wishing you better luck next time.
And... speaking of next time, you might want to wait a bit. When your last Permission request is still visible on the front page, that tells me you didn't take enough time to think over your prompts. And, well, it kind of showed here.
So be patient, polish it as best you can, and you'll be able to present a much better request next time. :)
I was going to fix some of those errors you pointed out, I swear! (I didn't think about the Healer thing for Henry either, oops ^^;)
On a non-me-related note, I caught a mini. *wrangles Digimom* There's no mention of what type it is on the wiki page, so I hereby proclaim it the mini-Agumon! Generic franchise terms and other non-specific misspellings take this form of mini-Digimon. Misspelled character names appear as a mini of that character's associated Digimon/Digipartner; mini-Patamon for <a href="http://digimon.wikia.com/wiki/KariKamiya">Kari Kamiya, mini-Gomamon for Joe Kido, and so on.
Mini-Digimon look like the Rookie forms of whatever Digimon they spawn as, except only eighteen inches high. Since they're sentient data both in and out of canon, they don't exactly eat. Like mini-Aragogs, mini-Missingno, and mini-Baymaxes, they can speak English; their grasp of it is equivalent to that of a smart fifth-grader, however. (James Shields, feel free to correct anything I got wrong; I picked up all my information from the Internet.)
If Digimon-minis actually worked in manner you are describing here, misspelling Kari's name would generate a mini-Gatomon. A Misspelling of T.K.'s name would be the one spawning a mini-Patamon.
And while Digimon ARE sentient data both in and out of canon, they DO eat. For example, Agumon digivolved to Greymon in The Birth of Greymon partly because Tai was being stubborn about feeding him when all the others didn't because their Digimon had said that they could manage by themselves. And you would be hard-pressed to find more than a few episodes of 02 where the Digimon weren't munching candy that Yolei brougt them from her family's store at some point while they were in the real world.
You know, since I'm the most likely to be the next to write a mission in the Digimon continuum, once I do get permission of course, I might just use a tweaked version of your idea for minis. Assuming of course that a new DigiOFU hasn't created one by then, which seems really unlikely.
Okay, I am getting too eager to do this for my own good. At least last time I thought enough to ask you if there was anything left to fix and I also sent you a e-mail. Next time, I am gonna wait until all betas actually that they have finished editing the docs. And also wait until both previous attempts have dropped off the first page. Lesson learned.
Please don't take my statement about the first attempt still being on the front page as a sign that you'll be all ready to go as soon as this Permission attempt also drops off the page. Don't post until you're ready, because really, why use anything less than your best possible effort?
What I meant was that I am not going to try again at least until this Permission attempt also drop offs the page. I am not going make another attempt until that happens AND the docs are at their best possible shape . Hope that clears it up.
Can I ask for some advice? I don't know how I didn't see the contradiction you pointed out in Henry's background. I really want to keep the Healer aspect of him, as I feel that having him have to resort to mainly healing spells and other traditionally non-ofensive spells would be pretty interesting. But is there any way I could have him previously have started Healer training and then end up working in an Action Department ? Because that probably would be just as much of a contradiction, wouldn't it?
I was only pointing out that his use of healing spells despite being an Auror was off.
If you want to keep the Healer part of his background, you could maybe make it because his entire family are healers, he went into the practice as well, but when he arrived in the PPC, he decided an Acton department just looked like more fun.
That's just what I'd suggest, so feel free to take it, leave it, tweak it, whatever.
What you suggested is more or less in line with what I thought for fixing that. I was just wondering wheter it wouldn't be even more of a contradiction than before. I will have to think carefully about to write that last part so that it is believable, but I will definitely take it. Thank you!
Aiko's personality: I want to at least keep the bit about her parents because that is more specific to her and I have a few Digimon badfics that do precisely that to T.K. that I want to take down. But aside from that, what aspects of her personality do you think need to be fleshed out the most?
The part that jarred you out of the story: Last time around, pretty much the only thing that was suggested to fix about Henry was that there was an apparent disconnection between him being very blunt and also restrained around Aiko because she is sensitive. Originally, that scene went more like this: Henry made a insentitive comment, Aiko began to cry and Henry then almost immediately apologized.
The way I did it this time around seems to be more interesting, at least up until the point that threw you off. I definitely don't want that happening to the reader, but I also want to write it in such a way that generates more conflict and makes it clear that Henry isn't the most perceptive person when it comes to how his comments affect other people. Which is why added that bit about him only stopping once it was blatantly clear that he had missed the mark and made them angry. I probably should realized that there was a disconnection between that and the way I had previously written the scene, I don't know why I didn't. Can you offer any advice as to how to both accomplish that and make it more conductive to the feeling you were getting from the story up to that point?
Mini creation goes to the first to publish a mission for the canon. (Assuming there isn't a Digimon OFU that's already selected a mini.)
Or at least there was. I found a fic on the Pit that the author calls an AU of The Official Fanfiction University of Digimon. The same author posted another story on mediaminer.org, a dedication to the OFUD, saying that both the OFU and that very story were taken off the Pit. And that was WAY back in late 2002. I can find any references to a new one.
The username of the author of the former OFUD is given: Frozen Phoenix. There is an user with exact same username on the Pit but there is no way to tell wheter is the same person.
So in conclusion: There was an OFU, and therefore mostly like a Mini, for Digimon but both have been lost to the Nether. What do we do in a situation like this?
a new DigiOFU to create them, or one of us publishes a Digimission that produces minis.
—Digidoctorlit is Digisad about the old DigiOFU's Digideletion, but will Digiarchive the stories DigiShields found, at least.
Here are the stories: The one found at the Pit and the dedication found on mediaminer.org