Subject: If I may ask for a bit more of advice...
Author:
Posted on: 2015-10-15 18:22:00 UTC

Aiko's personality: I want to at least keep the bit about her parents because that is more specific to her and I have a few Digimon badfics that do precisely that to T.K. that I want to take down. But aside from that, what aspects of her personality do you think need to be fleshed out the most?

The part that jarred you out of the story: Last time around, pretty much the only thing that was suggested to fix about Henry was that there was an apparent disconnection between him being very blunt and also restrained around Aiko because she is sensitive. Originally, that scene went more like this: Henry made a insentitive comment, Aiko began to cry and Henry then almost immediately apologized.

The way I did it this time around seems to be more interesting, at least up until the point that threw you off. I definitely don't want that happening to the reader, but I also want to write it in such a way that generates more conflict and makes it clear that Henry isn't the most perceptive person when it comes to how his comments affect other people. Which is why added that bit about him only stopping once it was blatantly clear that he had missed the mark and made them angry. I probably should realized that there was a disconnection between that and the way I had previously written the scene, I don't know why I didn't. Can you offer any advice as to how to both accomplish that and make it more conductive to the feeling you were getting from the story up to that point?



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