Re: New Mission! And It Only Took Me Three Years by
son_of_heaven176
on 2016-10-10 20:46:00 UTC
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I agree so far with everything that has been said. There is a TOS feel to it, but you didn't give the characters time to develop as characters instead of mouthpieces. Also, if Jack was working for the PPC (since I'm assuming that Jack is the vertan and Shawn is a newbie), how does he have a 9-to-5 job? Unless I'm mistaken, the PPC isn't known for keeping regular hours...
There are plenty of errors that I've caught:
“Spore huh? I loved that game. I blew up an entire galaxy,” Shawn said.
Put a comma after “Spore”.
“You wanna take out a ‘Sue? We need more than just a CAD.” Shawn said, pulling a glock out of his luggage.
Capitalize “glock”; it’s a brand name.
“Yeah, we can do that too,” Shawn said, picking up his backpack and a CAD.
Comma before “too”.
“You didn’t think to use that when you were face down in an alley though?” Shawn asked.
Comma before “though”.
“Maybe the ships wouldn’t have gotten there in time?” Jack offered, “Then again, maybe the author is just inconsistent.”
The comma after “Jack offered” should be a period.
Jack took the box for Spore out of his backpack and pressed it against the ‘Sue’s head, “Avaunt! In the name of Will Wright, leave this… character,” The goddess emerged from the ‘Sue.
The comma after “head” should be a period. The comma after “character” should be a period. And also, since you should have a new paragraph when the main actor changes, that last sentence should be in a new paragraph.
“Almost. Now we have to perform the rights that will stop them from returning. Ahem,” Jack said,
Homophone error: rites. Also, that comma at the end should be a period.
“Kirk! My love!” She shouted before a shot went into her neck.
Lowercase “s” in “she shouted”; you’re continuing the sentence.
“I’m sure that’s it,” Jack said, “Now come on, time for phase two,”
The comma after “Jack said” and the comma at the very end should both be periods.
Whoa, did I take my time. by
Larfen J. Stocke, esq
on 2016-10-07 12:01:00 UTC
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I honestly share the sentiments most others had - it was very reminiscent of TOS, what with similar sort of character dynamics and dialogue and whatnot.
Which was great, by the way. Loved that dialogue. They're snarky as hell, but clearly mates. Something about it all feels so classic, y'know?
Perhaps it's just because of the aforementioned TOS similarities, but there's a type of chemistry with the two characters that I've seen before, and that I haven't seen in a bit, and it's nice to have that sort've thing popping up again.
And: good on you for finishing this! Tenacity, and all that.
Quite good by
Hieronymus Graubart
on 2016-10-06 13:16:00 UTC
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I intended to say mostly what Nesh said, but didn’t get to write it down yet.
Specific errors I took notes of:
Inside was a small, cluttered, room with a hammock strung up in the corner ...
"cluttered" is part of a list, not an insertion that needs a comma at the end; "a small, cluttered room" would be correct.
The ‘Sue was, in fact doing something.
"in fact", on the other hand, is an insertion. "The ‘Sue was, in fact, doing something" is how this should read. (But omitting both commas, as in "The ‘Sue was in fact doing something" may work too; it depends on whether you want the narrator sound a bit breathless or more formal and pronounced.)
She tried to show awe, but thanks to lousy spelling, instead cause a lamb to materialize next to her.
This should be "caused" (past tense).
I’m not sure whether the two cases where you used the word "beside" are typos. Some of the translations my dictionary gives me for "beside" and "besides" appear to be the same, but others imply that in both cases "besides" fits the context better.
Apparently something is missing between
He was tackled by Vautre as soon as he’
and
"You punks are the least subtle assassins ever,” He said. Shawn pushed him off and rolled away."
Also, "he" should not be capitalized.
HG
Generally, I like it. by
Neshomeh
on 2016-10-05 21:48:00 UTC
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On mobile, so I can't comment in too much depth, but I thought somebody ought to break the ice and give you some feedback.
So, good points: at times, especially early in the story, it reminded me of TOS. I think the agents are funny, and I like that they approach the mission with positive, upbeat energy.
Points that need work: there are a number of punctuation errors left, and the dialogue got a little dull at times with a lot of Shawn said, Jack said, Shawn said, Jack said. You don't always need a speech tag. Even with them, I'm having a little trouble telling which one is which, but that might be my own failing.
I raised my eyebrows at a couple things: 1. Both agents leaving the mission to get disguises. Unless I've missed something, it's always been the case that at least one agent had to remain in-fic til mission's end. 2. The exorcism at the end. Lampshading that it was unusual doesn't fix the fact that it was indeed unusual. I would have liked an actual explanation or for things to have been handled differently (treating the goddess as a mere voice in the Sue's head comes to mind as an option).
Otherwise, though, pretty good mission with plenty of entertaining bits and characters I wouldn't mind getting to know better. Keep up the good work!
~Neshomeh