Well, then.

First Message to the Board by Tesseract on 2016-08-05 15:28:00 UTC Reply

Hey! I'm Tesseract, and I'm new, I guess. I've read the Constitution, and I'm obsessed with Harry Potter, all PJO, and a little bit of LotR. I got to the PPC wiki by searching "the worst fanfiction" on Google. This lead to the Legendary Badfics page, where I was scarred by the Little Miss Mary/Rose Potter missions. I don't want to write anything at the moment, because this place is crazy! My favorite agents are the Aviator and Zeb. I live in the U.S., I'm male, and the highest class I'm taking is Geometry Honors.

Ooh, a Tesseract! by Cat-on-the-Keyboard on 2016-08-10 23:52:00 UTC Reply

Have you ever read A Wrinkle in Time, by Madeline L'Engle? One of the best ways to get small-to-middle-sized kids interested in multidimensional geometry. Okay, I'm just saying that because it's what got me interested back in elementary school. It's good anyway.

My gift to you is a tessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssseract. It's a hybrid between a tesseract and a snake. It's very friendly and doesn't bite, although it moves very strangely.

--Key is definitely not just trying to one-up Larfen

Well, then. by Larfen J. Stocke, esq on 2016-08-11 08:06:00 UTC Reply

I see how it is.
I see how it's turned out.

I'll need the big guns, it seems. Not heavy machine gun. Not turret. Not whale, oh no. Big guns.
You could blow a galaxy's brains out, that's how big these guns will be.

That's right. A once in a five-thousand lifetimes offer.
The tessssssarasssssssssarasssssarasarasarasssssssssssaracraracaracaracssssssssssssssssssaract.
Somewhere between a tesseract, a snake, and the impending death we must all face as mortals, the tessssssarasssssssssarasssssarasarasarasssssssssssaracraracaracaracssssssssssssssssssaract will give you more than value for money: it'll give you valululululululululue for monononononononey.
Get it here, first!

Wait, why are we giving the newbie big guns? by Cat-on-the-Keyboard on 2016-08-11 13:58:00 UTC Reply

Specifically, why are we giving her/him/them guns which can blow up a galaxy? Why did this strike us as a good idea? No one should have that much power. Power corrupts. If we corrupt Tesseract, we will no longer have a shiny newbie, but a dastardly villain! We don't want one of those, do we?

--Key, from the peacefullest country on Earth

What's the big problem? by Larfen J. Stocke, esq on 2016-08-11 22:34:00 UTC Reply

With all the money I've gotten from selling to Tesseract, we can just buy another galaxy!
With enough left over to spend the rest of our lives in a mansion made entirely out of diamonds and ice-cream!

I've planned this out, you see. I'm a professional salesalesalesalesman.

Have you forgotten who rules all ice cream? by Granz the Ice Cream Monarch on 2016-08-12 04:17:00 UTC Reply

Yes, that's me. How much do you plan to pay me, exactly?

Hi, newbie! by eatpraylove on 2016-08-07 01:50:00 UTC Reply

Here's a water bottle, a selection of House scarves for you to choose from, and some popcorn to eat while you read the important stuff and/or random missions! :D
First plover! (nm) by Tawaki on 2016-08-07 01:24:00 UTC Reply
Welcome, welcome! by Badger421 on 2016-08-06 20:49:00 UTC Reply

Come on in, grab a chair, after finding us through Legendary Badfics I'm sure you could use one.

For your newbie gifts, take this Replica Holocron and mini Pensieve.

And since I see no one else had asked yet, what House are you in?

My House by Tesseract on 2016-08-21 14:29:00 UTC Reply

Ravenclaw. They are the best!

Well, naturally I must disagree. by Badger421 on 2016-08-23 07:52:00 UTC Reply

But that's just because I'm biased towards my own House, Hufflepuff. Ravenclaw is pretty awesome, though. It's my second favorite House.

Hi there! Have a Black Cloak of Swirly Awesomeness! by Silenthunder on 2016-08-06 14:33:00 UTC Reply

So you'll always look cool without trying. :) And greetings to a fellow American!
I see a newbie! by Desdendelle on 2016-08-06 04:10:00 UTC Reply

But I don't have anything important to say, so I'll just give you this cup of — you know what, take the hamster as well.
At least sixtieth message to the Board. by Larfen J. Stocke, esq on 2016-08-06 01:19:00 UTC Reply

Welcome, young four-dimensional cube-analog. Always good to get a break from all these bloody third-dimension knobs, am I right?
More dimensions, more love, I always said.

My gift to you is: a tesseresseresseresseresseresseract.
It's like a normal tesseract, but way, waaay better.
A fellow newbie! by Aeroden on 2016-08-06 01:12:00 UTC Reply

Hello! Welcome! Please enjoy this hypoallergenic Cheshire cat.
Hello newbie. by Hardric on 2016-08-05 19:47:00 UTC Reply

Please have a box of black-hole chocolates. Hope you'll enjoy your stay at the madhouse. Wait long enough and you'll be crazy enough to envisage writing.
Hello, hello! by Granz the Ice Cream Monarch on 2016-08-05 19:40:00 UTC Reply

Here is one Royal Ice Cream Container. You just close the lid, say a flavor, and open it up again, and bam! Instant ice cream! It's like Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, except you choose the flavor.
Hello, hello! by DCCCV on 2016-08-05 18:16:00 UTC Reply

Here's a bracelet made of copper. On Scadrial, the Terris used these to store memories. Have fun!
Newbie! *glomp* *poke* by Iximaz on 2016-08-05 16:55:00 UTC Reply

Heya, and welcome aBoard! For your newbie gift, take this plate of freshly-made SPaGhetti!

*waves* Glad you like my stuff! Sorry for scarring you with those missions, though. ^^; May I recommend Neshomeh's agents Supernumerary and Ilraen?

Hope you like it here!
Welcome aBoard! by palindromordnilap on 2016-08-05 16:49:00 UTC Reply

Here, have these silence-cancelling headphones. They're just constantly screaming. I'm sure you'll find a use for them.
Welcome aBoard! by SkarmorySilver on 2016-08-05 16:49:00 UTC Reply

Have one of my own shed feathers, a replica of Riptide that turns into a working pen, and a Golden Snitch with a Poke Ball engraving!
Hello and welcome aBoard! by Edhelistar on 2016-08-05 16:42:00 UTC Reply

As yar newbie gift, have this replica of the One Ring, which allows you to use Wingardium Leviosa when worn on your pinky finger!
Welcome to Creation, here's your shovel.. by Voyd on 2016-08-05 15:57:00 UTC Reply

This magic shovel digs up...

...annoying dogs. What's Toby Fox doing here?
Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell... a newbie! :D by Matt Cipher on 2016-08-05 15:49:00 UTC Reply

Welcome! Welcome! Make yourself comfortable, and have a slice of Infinite Pizza.

Harry Potter and PJO? Please be my friend already! :D

R.E. Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell... a newbie! :D by Tesseract on 2016-08-05 16:21:00 UTC Reply

Thank you for the Soos meme and the pizza! I SHALL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN!