Rita Skeeter, here, reporting for the Multiverse Monitor!

Subject: Rita Skeeter, here, reporting for the Multiverse Monitor!
Author: Zingenmir
Posted on: 2018-07-15 22:47:00 UTC

Yes, you read that right. Rita Skeeter (or a cunning replacement who contrived to keep her name?) has made it to the PPC, and is now writing for the Multiverse Monitor.

Her mission? To interview Jacques Bonnefoy, as a hard-hitting reporter should, and to bring to you, dear readers, the whole unvarnished truth about this seductive former character replacement who recently celebrated his fifth year at HQ!

Excerpts from the interview follow:

His beautiful blue eyes, sparkling only seconds ago with the thrill of attempted seduction (to which, dear readers, I can only hope not to succumb before finishing the interview!) turn misty with the remembered grief of cradling the corpse of Ianto Jones.

...

"You know," he says, leaning forward in a way that emphasizes the powerful muscles in his shoulders, "I love your hair." He pauses, and sorrow is clear in his deep voice as he continues. "Rose dyed her hair to get that exact shade, you know. She'd be so envious."

...

"Are the rumors true?" I have to ask, even if it pains him. I am committed to the truth. "That you remember a relationship with Rose Tyler and the Ninth Doctor beyond what is shown on the show?"

He shakes his head. "I'm afraid not. They...they never did quite see me the way I saw them." He forces a smile; even with little heart behind it, it is enough to steal one's breath. "Can I get you a drink? Reporting is very hard work."

...

"But enough about me, Ms Skeeter," he says. He pulls me close, fingers trailing tingles up and down my arm. "I want to know about you. Someone with such an impressive reporting history must have some good stories to tell!"

To my surprise, I find myself giggling, blushing, looking down in a coy way I abandoned soon after my teens. Something about this man brings out the excitement of youth, of that first, most breathtaking crush that never quite leaves you for years afterwards. "Oh, I do," I say. I yearn to impress him, but that's not why I'm here--and besides, I'd much rather hear him talk. "But they're nothing compared to yours." I look up at him through my long eyelashes, feeling shy--and, dear readers, I haven't felt shy in years! "Would you tell me more about your early days in ESAS? The first person you seduced in HQ?" How you're managing to make me melt in ways no man has managed since a reporter's cynicism changed my perspective forever?

He chuckles--the warmest sound I've heard--and pulls me even closer. There are people who would call this scandalous. "Why don't I tell you," he murmurs wickedly, "about how I plan to seduce you?"

...

Somehow--I'll never quite know how--I manage to scrape together enough of my composure to ask him another question. "You seduce so many people--is it always a split second decision, or do you take your time before approaching them?"

He pulls back the slightest bit, leaving me oddly bereft. His warmth had enveloped me without my noticing. "Oh, it depends on the person. There are people I've waited five years without seducing."

I sense a story here--perhaps one of longing--and so I question him further. "That sounds like a seduction--or several--to remember. What kept you from doing it earlier?"

"The time wasn't right," he says.

His eyes are on my mouth. They are surely intent enough to set me on fire--and I want to burn.

"Did you always plan on seducing me?" I ask. My breath is so fast--my heart is racing. He could do anything in this moment, and so long as he touched me, I'd never protest. Such is the power of his presence.

"I decided to try five minutes after you walked in," he says. His voice is low. Honesty, earnestness--they shine from his face, in his smile, in the way his eyes caress my skin--and then it's his hands I feel skimming up my arms, and he leans in close. "Tell me, lovely Rita--have I succeeded?"

I kiss him in answer--or I would, but that would go against my professionalism. He has no such compunctions, however, and in seconds, his lips are on mine.

Dear readers, you know I strive to describe to you everything worth knowing--and a kiss from this man is well worth knowing. But how could mere words convey this? Were I to tell you his lips are soft and his hands wander, I would be remiss--for that description ignores the confident step closer, the care not to disturb my hair, the sheer, all-consuming focus that overtakes the one being kissed--for how could it not? His complete attention is on the kiss, and on the person being kissed--and I could describe this to you a thousand times over, and still fail to encapsulate the true feeling of kissing Jacques Bonnefoy.

For once, dear readers--and you know well how infrequently this happens--words fail me.

--
...more to come?

(Did Rita get more than a kiss? Has Jacques been truthfully represented in this interview? Are there any parts of this article that would sound out of place in a Harlequin romance novel? Find out sometime!)

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Return of the revenge of the Multiverse Monitor by Thoth on 2018-07-10 21:58:00 UTC Reply

Yes, friends, rivals, potential customers, we are back! Thanks to the work of our tireless reporters, The Multiverse Monitor is releasing a special midweek abbreviated edition, to bring you the latest news we have obtained from agents. Made with love, care, and excessive quantities of caffeine in as little time as we could possibly spend on it, this special issue is guaranteed to excite.

Pick it up at your local newsstand, or here.

~~

So yeah, with all the MM reporters flying around the Mailbox Game, I figured I'd find a way to abuse the quotes that ensued, in true MM style. Echoing real-world tabloid tradition, this was written over the course of 24 hours and edited relatively minimally. Yes, we checked for SPaG, but we weren't the most comprehensive.

Thanks to Calliope and Iximaz for giving me permission to horrifically defame their agents, to Geema for giving me horrible ideas, to Nesh for helping to ensure my SPaG was up to scratch and allowing me to defame her agents as well, and to all of the above, Tomash, and probably others for being the MM reporters without which this would not exist.

I look forward to hearing what people think.

Rita Skeeter, here, reporting for the Multiverse Monitor! by Zingenmir on 2018-07-15 22:47:00 UTC Reply

Yes, you read that right. Rita Skeeter (or a cunning replacement who contrived to keep her name?) has made it to the PPC, and is now writing for the Multiverse Monitor.

Her mission? To interview Jacques Bonnefoy, as a hard-hitting reporter should, and to bring to you, dear readers, the whole unvarnished truth about this seductive former character replacement who recently celebrated his fifth year at HQ!

Excerpts from the interview follow:

His beautiful blue eyes, sparkling only seconds ago with the thrill of attempted seduction (to which, dear readers, I can only hope not to succumb before finishing the interview!) turn misty with the remembered grief of cradling the corpse of Ianto Jones.

...

"You know," he says, leaning forward in a way that emphasizes the powerful muscles in his shoulders, "I love your hair." He pauses, and sorrow is clear in his deep voice as he continues. "Rose dyed her hair to get that exact shade, you know. She'd be so envious."

...

"Are the rumors true?" I have to ask, even if it pains him. I am committed to the truth. "That you remember a relationship with Rose Tyler and the Ninth Doctor beyond what is shown on the show?"

He shakes his head. "I'm afraid not. They...they never did quite see me the way I saw them." He forces a smile; even with little heart behind it, it is enough to steal one's breath. "Can I get you a drink? Reporting is very hard work."

...

"But enough about me, Ms Skeeter," he says. He pulls me close, fingers trailing tingles up and down my arm. "I want to know about you. Someone with such an impressive reporting history must have some good stories to tell!"

To my surprise, I find myself giggling, blushing, looking down in a coy way I abandoned soon after my teens. Something about this man brings out the excitement of youth, of that first, most breathtaking crush that never quite leaves you for years afterwards. "Oh, I do," I say. I yearn to impress him, but that's not why I'm here--and besides, I'd much rather hear him talk. "But they're nothing compared to yours." I look up at him through my long eyelashes, feeling shy--and, dear readers, I haven't felt shy in years! "Would you tell me more about your early days in ESAS? The first person you seduced in HQ?" How you're managing to make me melt in ways no man has managed since a reporter's cynicism changed my perspective forever?

He chuckles--the warmest sound I've heard--and pulls me even closer. There are people who would call this scandalous. "Why don't I tell you," he murmurs wickedly, "about how I plan to seduce you?"

...

Somehow--I'll never quite know how--I manage to scrape together enough of my composure to ask him another question. "You seduce so many people--is it always a split second decision, or do you take your time before approaching them?"

He pulls back the slightest bit, leaving me oddly bereft. His warmth had enveloped me without my noticing. "Oh, it depends on the person. There are people I've waited five years without seducing."

I sense a story here--perhaps one of longing--and so I question him further. "That sounds like a seduction--or several--to remember. What kept you from doing it earlier?"

"The time wasn't right," he says.

His eyes are on my mouth. They are surely intent enough to set me on fire--and I want to burn.

"Did you always plan on seducing me?" I ask. My breath is so fast--my heart is racing. He could do anything in this moment, and so long as he touched me, I'd never protest. Such is the power of his presence.

"I decided to try five minutes after you walked in," he says. His voice is low. Honesty, earnestness--they shine from his face, in his smile, in the way his eyes caress my skin--and then it's his hands I feel skimming up my arms, and he leans in close. "Tell me, lovely Rita--have I succeeded?"

I kiss him in answer--or I would, but that would go against my professionalism. He has no such compunctions, however, and in seconds, his lips are on mine.

Dear readers, you know I strive to describe to you everything worth knowing--and a kiss from this man is well worth knowing. But how could mere words convey this? Were I to tell you his lips are soft and his hands wander, I would be remiss--for that description ignores the confident step closer, the care not to disturb my hair, the sheer, all-consuming focus that overtakes the one being kissed--for how could it not? His complete attention is on the kiss, and on the person being kissed--and I could describe this to you a thousand times over, and still fail to encapsulate the true feeling of kissing Jacques Bonnefoy.

For once, dear readers--and you know well how infrequently this happens--words fail me.

--
...more to come?

(Did Rita get more than a kiss? Has Jacques been truthfully represented in this interview? Are there any parts of this article that would sound out of place in a Harlequin romance novel? Find out sometime!)

To think one 'Holy Skeeter' was the prompt for these ones... by Hardric on 2018-07-21 10:35:00 UTC Reply

Morality, people? Always follow first ideas in a RP, no matter how crazy. Other people can pick up on them and create awesome, case in point.
This is fantastic. by Neshomeh on 2018-07-16 03:17:00 UTC Reply

So I figure either Jacques has turned into a Stu and his Aura of Smooth has overpowered Ms. Skeeter, or "Rita Skeeter" is an alias of Anastasia Steele. Possibly both. ... Anna actually is a journalist, isn't she? {X D

Should there be more, I will read it.

~Neshomeh

I figure she's just exaggerating. by Zingenmir on 2018-07-17 13:19:00 UTC Reply

She tends to, after all--the Quik Quotes Quill certainly made some interesting things out of Harry's answers in the fourth book. She's just taking a...slightly different tack with Jacques, even if she does do a fair bit with his angst as well. She's also added things, and twisted them--for one thing, the only dead Ianto Jones Jacques has ever come in contact with was a replacement. He was recruited long before Ianto's death in canon and thus has no memory of it.

In fact, a regular version of the final two excerpts might run like so:

Well, that hadn't worked. She was still impressively undistracted from all the questions he didn't want to answer. He had to admire her tenacity, even if he wished she had less of it.

Time to step up the game.

"Enough about me, Rita." He pulled her closer, trailing his fingers over her arm. "Tell me about you. Someone with your reporting history must have some great stories to tell!"

She giggled and looked down--good. Maybe this would actually work. It was certainly the only thing he'd found so far that did distract her--he'd noticed the discreet admiring looks almost immediately. They would have been far more welcome if they hadn't come as the side dish to a whole bunch of painful questions.

"Oh, I do," she said. "But yours--yours are so very interesting. Tell me more about your early days in ESAS. Or maybe about the first person you ever seduced in HQ?"

Jacques chuckled, the sound only a little forced, and pulled her even closer. If this didn't move the interview in a far more interesting direction, he had no idea what would. "Why don't I tell you about how I plan to seduce you?"

Gratifyingly, her eyes widened--and, for the first time since he'd met her, she was speechless.

...

They'd very much moved on to flirting now, much to Jacques' relief. He had to give her credit, though--she was still asking questions, even if most of them seemed to be part of her flirting style. It was suddenly a little bit charming, that her work had permeated even this aspect of her life so well.

"You seduce so many people," she was purring now. Her hand was on his arm, but despite the calculating undertone to her voice, her eyes were fixed on his. "Is it always a split second decision, or are there people you wait on seducing?"

He pulled back a little, laughing quietly. "You know, I don't seduce everyone I meet. Some of them aren't interested, for one thing, and, well...I do have people I've known for five years, practically the whole time I've been here, who I've never really gone for. You know how it is."

"Of course," she said. "Five years, though? What's kept you from trying?"

Jacques shrugged. "Apart from people I just don't have a chance with, or who turned me down the second I offered? I..." He paused, thinking about it. If this made it into her article, he thought he could take it--it could even serve as a reminder to him, at certain moments. "It wouldn't have worked, I guess. The time wasn't right, for both of us. It would've been a disaster, and then we settled into friendship, and..." He shrugged. "I suppose it might happen someday, but I'm not holding my breath."

Had she even heard all of that? Her eyes had dropped to his mouth halfway through. He'd be impressed if she'd caught most of it.

He leaned forward, returning the favor and adopting his flirtiest tone. "Did you catch any of that?"

"What?" She looked up, and actually blushed. He hadn't expected that.

He reached out a hand, brushing his fingers over the red in her cheeks. "Never mind."

"When did you decide to seduce me?" she blurted. Uncomposed words from a very composed woman--he loved it. That and the way she was still asking questions.

"About five minutes after you started talking to me," he said, grinning. No need to add that the decision had been based partially on distracting her, since brushing her off hadn't worked. It wasn't like he objected to the impending outcome, anyway. He leaned in, skimming his hands up her arms to cup her face, and lowered his voice. "Tell me, lovely Rita...have I managed it yet?"

She kissed him. He wanted to laugh triumphantly; instead, he wrapped his arms around her and set about kissing her breathless.

(He was, in fact, careful not to disturb her hair. He wasn't sure if he could, or how she could possibly get it looking presentable again to begin with.

After all, he still wanted her good will, even if that was quickly taking second place to everything else.)

--

So--kernels of truth, some polishing of lines, some changing of them altogether, and quite a bit of attraction. And, y'know, romance novel narration.

As to being Ana Steele...not enough inner goddesses and subconsciouses :P And I regret to inform you that she went into publishing, though actually the series does open with her filling in for her journalist best friend on an interview, because obviously it can't be rescheduled or given to an actual other student journalist rather than this random...English major, possibly.

(Though, also, Ana's not nearly interesting enough to be Rita Skeeter. Rita may be awful, but at least she isn't bland.)

--

Anyway. Glad you liked it! :) I'm not sure if there'll be any more, since I have a fair bit of schoolwork to get done (did this on a food break), but we'll see. If I get time and inclination before this thread falls off the page, I might go for it.

~Z

Oh, wow, that perspective flip was wonderful! =O by S.M.F. on 2018-07-17 16:41:00 UTC Reply

Also: Jaaaacques. ;; An ethical flirter! And wishing her good will even when she's being more than a bit of a nuisance...

Best of luck/focus with schoolwork!

But there was a THIRD POSSIBILTY... by Thoth on 2018-07-16 03:35:00 UTC Reply

...That you hadn't even counted upon, and that was that Rita's article was an outright fabrication. A lie, as such.

And you might say "Rita, why would you do that sort of thing?" And she would say, "For readers, kid."

...At least, that's my personal theory.

~Thoth, making his second late-night reference to a semi-popular song from 1967 in two days.

I find this severely unprofessional. Must try harder. (nm) by 61516 on 2018-07-15 23:40:00 UTC Reply

I dare you to try. (nm) by Rita Skeeter, unfiltered on 2018-07-15 23:43:00 UTC Reply

Anything is possible with technology... (nm) by 61516 on 2018-07-16 00:52:00 UTC Reply

Oh my gods yes. by Calliope on 2018-07-14 01:05:00 UTC Reply

Alright, this deserves reactions. One of us will post some when we get around to it.

Alright, we have reactions! by Calliope and Mikelus on 2018-07-14 03:43:00 UTC Reply

[DTE(g) is as not-busy as ever. Alex walks into RC 369, copy of the Multiverse Monitor’s latest release in hand. He closes the door.]

Alex: Hey, Ce’rana? Did you give an interview for that tabloid again?

Ce’rana: They asked me a few questions, to which I objected. If you would consider that an interview, then yes. May I ask why?

Alex: *hides a smirk behind the MM* Oh, they just happened to write an article about you. Thought you might want to hear what it says.

Ce’rana: …*turns to face him* What, exactly, have they said?

Alex: *reads aloud*

TAPPING IN: HOW CE’RANA OF BORUNE SLEPT HER WAY INTO THE UPPER BRANCHES OF THE PPC

Ce’rana: *bristles* No. I no longer wish to know.

Alex: Why not? You gave some interesting quotes.

In an exclusive interview with the Multiverse Monitor, Ce’rana reveals that she uses “seduction to claim and keep [her] job.”

Alex: So that’s how you ended up with a room big enough for a tree… *ducks to avoid a flying pen*

Ce’rana: *stands* That is the exact opposite of what I said. And the size was required for medical concerns, as you very well know.

Alex: *waves her off*

Salacious tales of a sexy threesome with Hornbeam the Ironwood and the Hippie Sequoia have run rampant through HQ, along with rumors that it was inspired by access to the Sequoia’s “personal stash.”

Ce’rana: *grinds teeth* No. No. No. Stash of what? And why would I care regardless?

Alex: I was hoping you could tell me what’s in the stash. Was pondering a heist.

Ce’rana: *picks up another pen, takes a step towards Alex*

Alex: *staring at the paper, not seeing her approach* Huh. Did not know you could do that.

Ce’rana: *pauses, pales slightly* No. I cannot.

Alex: I didn’t even say what yet. *reads aloud*

But a branch emerges in the tale: as Ce’rana informs us, she is absolutely “capable of having children with a tree.”

Ce’rana: *grips pen tighter, begins walking towards him again*

Rumor has it she’s already carrying a child, and the Flowers are gearing up to fight over who the parent is.

Alex: Also, who is it? Am I invited to the shower?

Ce’rana: *reaches up and jabs the pen into his arm, glares up at him* No.

Alex: Oww. Why not?

Ce’rana: *stomps on his foot* One, because that means there would be one, and that is a lie. Two, because you enjoy this too much.

Alex: Okay, fine. *steps away and starts reading again*

Private logs of the Board of Directors’ meetings inform us that the Sunflower Official and the Lichen are the primary contestants (and who wouldn’t want to sleep with John Cleese’s voice?).

Alex: So which one was it?

Ce’rana: *growls and reaches up to try and take the tabloid away*

Alex: *raises it out of reach, moving it about two inches* It’s the Lichen, isn’t it.

Ce’rana: I didn’t sleep with our bosses! Are you even listening to me?!

Alex: Do I ever?

Ce’rana: …*grits teeth* No. You don’t.

Alex: See? Anyways, where were we?

But those of you hoping to hear news of her tying the knot with a branch, prepare to be disappointed. Ce’rana is a free-spirited, 21st-century girl, and she’s far too busy with her career to be a parent.

Ce’rana: *goes still*

Alex: Well, now I know they’re making things up.

Ce’rana: I told--

Alex: You’re about as far from 21st-century as possible.

Ce’rana: *jams the pen into his leg*

***

[A few minutes later, Ce’rana is chained to her tree, while Alex bandages several small stab wounds on various appendages.]

Ce’rana: ...wait, didn’t they ask about you too?

Alex: … oh, merda.

Haha. Ha. Ha ha ha. by The Aviator on 2018-07-14 03:49:00 UTC Reply

Not so funny being on the receiving end, I know. I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh. It's just sort of a relief seeing the tabloids writing about someone else these days. You'd think me admitting to shagging the Detective would be enough to sate them, but... *shakes head*

Listen, Ce'rana, if you ever want to get drinks sometime, I'll buy. It's bulls--t, what it is. Can't do much but laugh about it, I'm afraid.

Ce'rana's indisposed, but... by Alexander on 2018-07-14 03:54:00 UTC Reply

You offered to buy. That basically automatically means yes. At least, I think that's what she was hinting at when she stopped swearing again.

I should let her off the tree at some point. I'm not going to, but I should.

Seconding the compliments! by S.M.F. on 2018-07-13 16:08:00 UTC Reply

This was very entertaining. ^^
The agents react. by Neshomeh on 2018-07-13 14:41:00 UTC Reply

By which I mean Derik and Gall prety much MST the third article, but oh well.

[We open on a table at Rudi's, where DERIK and GALL have just sat down. DERIK pulls out a copy of the Multiverse Monitor and flips to a certain page.]

DERIK: Have you seen this? Apparently I have a harem. *it's not clear whether he's annoyed or amused*

GALL: *snicker* What?

DERIK: Yes. *he reads aloud*

Agent Derik, long busy with his relationship with Agent Gall (who loudly claims to all concerned the she sees his “big schnoz” on a daily basis)

DERIK: Did you tell them that?

GALL: *with total candor* Nope.

DERIK: Good. *okay, now it's funny* It goes on:

He’s been ensnared by the sinister sorcerer, Agent Thoth (who frequent Monitor readers may recall from the “men in oil” exposé)

GALL: The what now? Damn, I gotta get me a copy of that edition! It'll have pictures, right? It's got to have pictures.

DERIK: *snort* If Thoth actually sat still for a picture like that, I'll eat my flight jacket.

whom he meets on a regular basis in a secluded RC

DERIK: True...

where the dangerously attractive man (image)

DERIK: Oh, here you are.

GALL: Ooo—wait. That's not—no. What?? D:

DERIK: *grin* I told you.

When Derik was asked for comment, he claimed that “I'm not stuck in there with him. He's stuck in there with me.”

DERIK: All right, I DID say that to some nosy, muckraking little lowlife, but I was trying to scare the idiot off!

GALL: *laughs* Clearly they never saw Watchmen. Good job, One-eye.

And it gets worse, for even as the conniving Phantom

DERIK: Which I'm not, how many times do I have to tell people I'm not him before—

GALL: Hey, chill! People are looking.

DERIK: *deep, angry sigh* ...

contrives to assault the inept sorcerer

DERIK: With a Soft Cushion and a Comfy Chair, I note they fail to mention.

GALL: Well, everyone knows Python. I would so pay money to watch you and Jötun go at it with pillows, though. Preferably naked and oiled up. *eg*

DERIK: *deeply disturbed* NO. *goes back to the article*

he has pushed the Astartes into a relationship with him.

DERIK: Hold on, a moment ago I was naïve, ensnared, and ensorceled. How exactly am I doing this, too?

GALL: No, no, it makes total sense if you think of it on a timeline. First, the evil sorcery, but it's not very good—"inept," right? So you break free, and you're pissed, so then the violent retaliation. With hatesex, I guess.

DERIK: *well that's uncomfortably similar to his actual recruitment* *ew* ... How do you manage to be so close to the truth and yet so very, very far from reality?

GALL: Talent?

DERIK: *eyeroll*

“Those two are … jumping into bed together,” said Tom Andrews, Thoth’s partner, of the deadly and violent warrior and the brave defender of Pern.

DERIK: All right, I can believe Tom said that. The elision is extremely suspicious, though.

GALL: Hey, now you're the good guy again!

Who knows what coercion is involved?

DERIK: So who's coercing who now?

GALL: Mutual coercion. Who has the upper hand? Only time will tell.

DERIK: Oh, hold on now, they talked to Thoth, too. This should be...

Thoth himself claims that “Derik is a bleeding heart,”

DERIK: *laughs* Where do they get this stuff?

GALL: I mean, you kind of are? In very specific circumstances that have occasionally come close to getting us killed?

DERIK: I'll never believe Thoth said it, though. ... I do believe the next bit. *aw, bro* But then it's right back into nonsense.

However, he seems unaware of Derik’s other partner, and the same is true of Gall.

GALL: No, I'm pretty aware. More than these dumbasses.

DERIK: Don't be jealous. There's enough of me to go around. *grin*

GALL: Reeeeally? ... Since when?

DERIK: *koff*

What would the two of them think if they knew the real Derik?

GALL: Oh man, lemme tell you—

DERIK: Please don't. Who knows what these people would spin from the kind of chaff that comes out of your mouth?

GALL: *under her breath* Not much actually. >.>

Only time will tell, but we at the Multiverse Monitor are dedicated to ensuring that Derik will be unable to hide behind his lies.

DERIK: But which parts are lies and which parts are the truth? Am I a naïve victim, a conniving predator, or a brave hero?

GALL: I guess they're leaving it up to the reader's imagination.

DERIK: No shortage of THAT here.

As for the foul sorcerer Thoth, we have found that he has no kittens of any sort, which we immediately deemed suspicious. Further investigation reveals that he may, in fact, be feeding innocent kittens to “large and dangerous monsters who tend to throw fire.” Clearly, anyone who would do such a thing is a menace to HQ at large, and the possibility that he is launching a coup against the entire organization must be investigated.

DERIK: *can't keep from laughing anymore* That's rich. I have to show this to him.

GALL: Ask about the oil while you're at it. :D

DERIK: I absolutely will not.

GALL: Aw. You never give me anything I really want.

DERIK: Try wanting things that aren't awful.

[We pan out as the conversation devolves into the usual banter.]

~Neshomeh

Glorious by Thoth on 2018-07-13 23:26:00 UTC Reply

I mean, what else do I say? That was outstandingly funny. In... every way.

Also, "Thoth and Derik's oiled-up pillowfight" is just an inherently funny phrase.

I will note, that image *was* supposed to resolve to here. But Gall's dissatisfied reaction probably still fits. I mean, that was rather the joke. Astartes aren't as attractive as some may believe.

Also, Gall clearly has a warped mind.

Finally, for People Who Aren't Nesh and aren't 40k and thus don't know... there is actually a reason for Thoth being covered in oil. That being that A Thousand Sons has a memorable percentage of men in oil. Including, at one point, Magnus himself, and a description of Ahriman that contributes to suspicions that the man whose perspective that particular scene is from may be gay.

Ah well. You can't spell "Horus Heresy" without "Homoeroticism."

On the attractiveness of space marines by 61516 on 2018-07-14 20:32:00 UTC Reply

I think it really depends on the chapter and the marine. The Blood Angels are said to be quite handsome, as were the Emperor's Children before they fell to Chaos. And Captain Titus was an Ultramarine, but he was by no means ugly.

Handsome, yes... by Thoth on 2018-07-14 22:26:00 UTC Reply

...Above the waist. The metal jacks and such are disconcerting.

So it's weird that I think cybernetics look good? (nm) by 61516 on 2018-07-14 23:37:00 UTC Reply

Eh. I wouldn't say it's average... (nm) by Thoth on 2018-07-15 00:07:00 UTC Reply

Fair enough (nm) by 61516 on 2018-07-15 01:31:00 UTC Reply

TBH I don't mind them myself. (nm) by Thoth on 2018-07-15 01:42:00 UTC Reply

Part of the reason I got into 40k was the cool hardware. (nm) by 61516 on 2018-07-15 02:32:00 UTC Reply

Yey. ^. ^ by Neshomeh on 2018-07-14 01:18:00 UTC Reply

Aw, drat, I messed up the image. I did intend for her to be reacting to that picture, because that guy is a) not Thoth glistening with oil, and b) just weird-looking. His jaw is a cube. {X D

There are images I prefer for reference to what Space Marines look like under the armor. Like, this one and this one are pretty similar to the one you used, but are much more reasonable without being really good-looking. This one seems to be more or less canon?

I like the effect used for the black carapace in this one, but that guy is not nearly built enough to be an Astartes.

And then there's this guy. I don't even know about this guy. This may be what happens when you really want to make a guy pretty but annoying people keep telling you he's not supposed to be, so you get base prettiness with superficial grit layered on top. It doesn't quite hide the prettiness. It just looks like his right eye (audience left) is trying to escape.

ANYWAY! Glad you enjoyed. ^_^

And yes, Gall does have a warped mind. Guess that means I do, too. >.>;

~Neshomeh

Ah, then yes. by Thoth on 2018-07-14 02:28:00 UTC Reply

That image is deliberately kinda awful, judt to be clear (that is, it was the first kinda awful/sorta accurate image I could find). The reason for that is to make the Blatant Lies obvious to people who aren't familiar with the canon.

And yes, I am already aware you have a warped mind. XP

Agree on the canon one. That one is the one that is there. Agree on most of the other bits.

That last one, though... Jeez. Woooow. That is... no.

Thoth and Derik's oiled up pillowfight, you say? by Iximaz on 2018-07-13 23:46:00 UTC Reply

I know what I'm doing for the badfic games in September. >:)

{X D What madness have I wrought?! (nm) by Neshomeh on 2018-07-14 01:18:00 UTC Reply

hmmm... by 61516 on 2018-07-13 23:13:00 UTC Reply

Nice work.
My god, this was amazing. by Iximaz on 2018-07-13 17:32:00 UTC Reply

I was laughing the whole time. :D

Haha, thanks! by Neshomeh on 2018-07-14 01:20:00 UTC Reply

I didn't expect that big a reaction. This was pretty off the cuff. ^_^;

~Neshomeh

Also: Farilan's reaction? *puppy eyes* (nm) by Neshomeh on 2018-07-14 01:21:00 UTC Reply

Ask, and ye shall receive. by Iximaz on 2018-07-14 02:46:00 UTC Reply

[It is a slow day in the Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology. Alex Dives saunters over to Farilan's desk, magazine in hand.]

Alex: *snickering* Hey, Farilan, you've seen the latest Multiverse Monitor edition, right?

Farilan: That pathetic drivel you humans read for entertainment? No. I have not.

Alex: You really have to see this.

Farilan: *sighs*

Alex: *dramatic voice*

Agent Ilraen of the DIC is no stranger to romantic hijinks. But after an experimental tryst with his partner, Agent Supernumerary (see last issue),

Farilan: Oh, forgive me, I didn't realize I was being kind calling this 'pathetic drivel. Try... 'complete and utter waste of paper'?

it seems the amorous alien has finally had his heart snatched away.

Farilan: ...Where are you going with this.

The lucky girl is Farilan-Haothil-Esthine, of DoSAT.

Farilan: *sighs* Yes, because it's such a secret that the poor boy is hopelessly in love with me.

Upon her first glance at Ilraen, she was immediately entranced.

Farilan: WHAT?

Alex: Wait wait wait! It gets better!

Farilan: Technician Dives, you call this better? This is... outrageous!

She urgently informed us that “Ilraen and I are… [in a] relationship,”

Farilan: No.

constantly referencing it during our interview with her,

Farilan: No!

and giving off a general air of satisfaction about it.

Farilan: NO!

Katie: *whispering from behind a desk* How well do you think she'll take the ending?

Olivine: *also whispering* Ten Galleons she impales the Monitor with her tail blade. Or Squishy.

Katie: I hope it's not Alex.

Alex: So, you and Ilraen, huh?

Farilan: *tail twitches*

Katie: It's gonna be Alex.

Ilraen, ever one to brag of his latest conquest, informs our reporters that, “she feels she can rely on me, for anything!”

Farilan: *mirthless laughter*

And while he certainly appears to have every intent of good faith, only time will tell if the new girl on the block will finally be the one to quench his seemingly unending lust.

Farilan: 'Unending lust'? While I won't deny Ilraen is... overly affectionate, to call that unending lust is just... *shakes head* What sort of psychoactive drugs were used to write this piece?

Rumors of a Bleepka-fueled threesome between Nume, Ilraen, and Farilan are as of yet unconfirmed.

Farilan:

Alex:

Farilan:

Alex:

Katie: *passes over ten Galleons*

Excellent. ^. ^ by Neshomeh on 2018-07-14 16:14:00 UTC Reply

Ilraen will just be over there. In the friend zone. Forever Alone.

~Neshomeh

Ten years hence... by Iximaz on 2018-07-14 18:42:00 UTC Reply

{Miralii-Aroline-Liuary!} Farilan snapped.

There was a clatter of little hooves, and then a tiny purple Andalite appeared in the doorway. Her tail drooped when she saw her mother standing in the middle of the RC, all four eyes fixed forward.

{Yes, Mother?} Miralii said, dread settling in her stomach.

Farilan sighed, using the flat of her tail blade to lightly cuff Miralii's flank. {Pick up this mess,} she said, indicating the jumble of toys in the middle of the floor. {And I'm going to have to have a word with your father about giving you broken CADs to play with.}

{But Mother, I asked—}

{I don't care what you asked,} Farilan said. {It's dangerous equipment, not a toy for a child. You can tinker with them when you're older.}

{Aww...} Miralii stooped to begin picking up her toys. {Are we still going to go see Uncle Nume today?}

Farilan's eyes crinkled in a smile. {You know he hates being called that.}

Miralii smiled back. {Isn't that why you told me to call him Uncle Nume?}

Farilan chuckled. {Exactly. Try not to antagonize him too much, though. Your father wants to have a peaceful dinner, for a change.}

(Totally off-the-cuff, not to be taken too terribly serious thing. Apologies for using curly brackets instead of the usual markers.)

:D (nm) by Huinesoron on 2018-07-16 13:46:00 UTC Reply
Aww. by Neshomeh on 2018-07-16 03:24:00 UTC Reply

Not much else to say to that. ^_^

I like the name Miralii.

~Neshomeh

So this is canon now? (nm) by Tomash on 2018-07-17 00:58:00 UTC Reply

Saaaame. XD (nm) by S.M.F. on 2018-07-13 17:36:00 UTC Reply

This was a fun read! by Snowy the Sane Fangirl on 2018-07-13 06:07:00 UTC Reply

Tabloids are a guilty pleasure of mine, not because I believe what they tell me but because I like to laugh at how ridiculous some of the claims are. This didn't disappoint! Truly you are a master of the carefully chosen misquote!

That's a good thing, in this context.
We should take action against the multiverse... immediately. (nm by 61516 on 2018-07-13 01:57:00 UTC Reply
Bloody good stuff, mate! by Larfen J. Stocke, esq. on 2018-07-12 13:42:00 UTC Reply

And, Gawd, would I love to see more of this sorta thing. You really perfectly caught just how trash tabloids are. Every ellipsis gave me a jolly old chuckle, they did.

Thanks! by Thoth on 2018-07-12 22:00:00 UTC Reply

Also, I really didn't. I know I didn't, because my eyes didn't start smoking when I read my own writing.

National Enquirer is Bad For You.

^_^ Oh, excellent. by Huinesoron on 2018-07-11 14:24:00 UTC Reply

Now I have to ask: is this a new (fourth) Monitor, or have the unnamed reporters joined Starwind and Eledhwen on the 'REAL Multiverse Monitor'? It surely can't be the third version, which had aspirations towards actual standards. ^_^

(I'm hoping for a Fourth Monitor; it'll give Starwind and Eledhwen a chance to rant about being the 'REAL Real Multiverse Monitor'. :D)

hS

It's got to be fourth monitor by Thoth on 2018-07-11 23:07:00 UTC Reply

It's close to S&E Monitor in style, but I don't think it's quite the right fit for it. Being, as it was, inspired by my half-remembered maybe-reading of the S&E Monitor a very long time ago, about a page and a half of the National Enquirer (as much as I could read before my eyes started to smoke), my own twisted and extremely dirty mind, and Geema giving immoral support from the sidelines.

So, since it's a new incarnation of the Multiverse Monitor, the question is this: who's in charge? I asked the Multiverse Monitor and got this statement back.

WHO WE ARE AND WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO.
We here at the Multiverse Monitor are an elite team of journalists, dedicated to providing HQ with premium Multiverse Monitor content. As to how we were formed, there are several theories, one of which is that HQ is so warped that the rules of consensus reality can apply. That is to say, because a large group of agents more or less believe that there is a an organization called the Multiverse Monitor somewhere, publishing a magazine of dubious repute, the organization and the magazine have come into being, a sort of real-life amalgamation of the vision of the collective unconscious.

We accept payments in most currencies.

As always, consider the source before deciding whether or not that's anything other than absolute hogwash. Protip: It's from the Multiverse Monitor.

*slowclap* by Iximaz on 2018-07-10 22:05:00 UTC Reply

Think you'll do a sequel once the mailbox game concludes?

Y'know? by Thoth on 2018-07-10 22:25:00 UTC Reply

I'm not sure. It's... kinda a tricky sorta thing to do.

By the way, if anyone else wants to give it a go... you are welcome to take a crack at it. Heck, that's what I did.