Yes, you read that right. Rita Skeeter (or a cunning replacement who contrived to keep her name?) has made it to the PPC, and is now writing for the Multiverse Monitor.

Her mission? To interview Jacques Bonnefoy, as a hard-hitting reporter should, and to bring to you, dear readers, the whole unvarnished truth about this seductive former character replacement who recently celebrated his fifth year at HQ!

Excerpts from the interview follow:

His beautiful blue eyes, sparkling only seconds ago with the thrill of attempted seduction (to which, dear readers, I can only hope not to succumb before finishing the interview!) turn misty with the remembered grief of cradling the corpse of Ianto Jones.

...

"You know," he says, leaning forward in a way that emphasizes the powerful muscles in his shoulders, "I love your hair." He pauses, and sorrow is clear in his deep voice as he continues. "Rose dyed her hair to get that exact shade, you know. She'd be so envious."

...

"Are the rumors true?" I have to ask, even if it pains him. I am committed to the truth. "That you remember a relationship with Rose Tyler and the Ninth Doctor beyond what is shown on the show?"

He shakes his head. "I'm afraid not. They...they never did quite see me the way I saw them." He forces a smile; even with little heart behind it, it is enough to steal one's breath. "Can I get you a drink? Reporting is very hard work."

...

"But enough about me, Ms Skeeter," he says. He pulls me close, fingers trailing tingles up and down my arm. "I want to know about you. Someone with such an impressive reporting history must have some good stories to tell!"

To my surprise, I find myself giggling, blushing, looking down in a coy way I abandoned soon after my teens. Something about this man brings out the excitement of youth, of that first, most breathtaking crush that never quite leaves you for years afterwards. "Oh, I do," I say. I yearn to impress him, but that's not why I'm here--and besides, I'd much rather hear him talk. "But they're nothing compared to yours." I look up at him through my long eyelashes, feeling shy--and, dear readers, I haven't felt shy in years! "Would you tell me more about your early days in ESAS? The first person you seduced in HQ?" How you're managing to make me melt in ways no man has managed since a reporter's cynicism changed my perspective forever?

He chuckles--the warmest sound I've heard--and pulls me even closer. There are people who would call this scandalous. "Why don't I tell you," he murmurs wickedly, "about how I plan to seduce you?"

...

Somehow--I'll never quite know how--I manage to scrape together enough of my composure to ask him another question. "You seduce so many people--is it always a split second decision, or do you take your time before approaching them?"

He pulls back the slightest bit, leaving me oddly bereft. His warmth had enveloped me without my noticing. "Oh, it depends on the person. There are people I've waited five years without seducing."

I sense a story here--perhaps one of longing--and so I question him further. "That sounds like a seduction--or several--to remember. What kept you from doing it earlier?"

"The time wasn't right," he says.

His eyes are on my mouth. They are surely intent enough to set me on fire--and I want to burn.

"Did you always plan on seducing me?" I ask. My breath is so fast--my heart is racing. He could do anything in this moment, and so long as he touched me, I'd never protest. Such is the power of his presence.

"I decided to try five minutes after you walked in," he says. His voice is low. Honesty, earnestness--they shine from his face, in his smile, in the way his eyes caress my skin--and then it's his hands I feel skimming up my arms, and he leans in close. "Tell me, lovely Rita--have I succeeded?"

I kiss him in answer--or I would, but that would go against my professionalism. He has no such compunctions, however, and in seconds, his lips are on mine.

Dear readers, you know I strive to describe to you everything worth knowing--and a kiss from this man is well worth knowing. But how could mere words convey this? Were I to tell you his lips are soft and his hands wander, I would be remiss--for that description ignores the confident step closer, the care not to disturb my hair, the sheer, all-consuming focus that overtakes the one being kissed--for how could it not? His complete attention is on the kiss, and on the person being kissed--and I could describe this to you a thousand times over, and still fail to encapsulate the true feeling of kissing Jacques Bonnefoy.

For once, dear readers--and you know well how infrequently this happens--words fail me.

--
...more to come?

(Did Rita get more than a kiss? Has Jacques been truthfully represented in this interview? Are there any parts of this article that would sound out of place in a Harlequin romance novel? Find out sometime!)

Alright, this deserves reactions. One of us will post some when we get around to it.

This was very entertaining. ^^

By which I mean Derik and Gall prety much MST the third article, but oh well.

[We open on a table at Rudi's, where DERIK and GALL have just sat down. DERIK pulls out a copy of the Multiverse Monitor and flips to a certain page.]

DERIK: Have you seen this? Apparently I have a harem. *it's not clear whether he's annoyed or amused*

GALL: *snicker* What?

DERIK: Yes. *he reads aloud*

Agent Derik, long busy with his relationship with Agent Gall (who loudly claims to all concerned the she sees his “big schnoz” on a daily basis)

DERIK: Did you tell them that?

GALL: *with total candor* Nope.

DERIK: Good. *okay, now it's funny* It goes on:

He’s been ensnared by the sinister sorcerer, Agent Thoth (who frequent Monitor readers may recall from the “men in oil” exposé)

GALL: The what now? Damn, I gotta get me a copy of that edition! It'll have pictures, right? It's got to have pictures.

DERIK: *snort* If Thoth actually sat still for a picture like that, I'll eat my flight jacket.

whom he meets on a regular basis in a secluded RC

DERIK: True...

where the dangerously attractive man (image)

DERIK: Oh, here you are.

GALL: Ooo—wait. That's not—no. What?? D:

DERIK: *grin* I told you.

When Derik was asked for comment, he claimed that “I'm not stuck in there with him. He's stuck in there with me.”

DERIK: All right, I DID say that to some nosy, muckraking little lowlife, but I was trying to scare the idiot off!

GALL: *laughs* Clearly they never saw Watchmen. Good job, One-eye.

And it gets worse, for even as the conniving Phantom

DERIK: Which I'm not, how many times do I have to tell people I'm not him before—

GALL: Hey, chill! People are looking.

DERIK: *deep, angry sigh* ...

contrives to assault the inept sorcerer

DERIK: With a Soft Cushion and a Comfy Chair, I note they fail to mention.

GALL: Well, everyone knows Python. I would so pay money to watch you and Jötun go at it with pillows, though. Preferably naked and oiled up. *eg*

DERIK: *deeply disturbed* NO. *goes back to the article*

he has pushed the Astartes into a relationship with him.

DERIK: Hold on, a moment ago I was naïve, ensnared, and ensorceled. How exactly am I doing this, too?

GALL: No, no, it makes total sense if you think of it on a timeline. First, the evil sorcery, but it's not very good—"inept," right? So you break free, and you're pissed, so then the violent retaliation. With hatesex, I guess.

DERIK: *well that's uncomfortably similar to his actual recruitment* *ew* ... How do you manage to be so close to the truth and yet so very, very far from reality?

GALL: Talent?

DERIK: *eyeroll*

“Those two are … jumping into bed together,” said Tom Andrews, Thoth’s partner, of the deadly and violent warrior and the brave defender of Pern.

DERIK: All right, I can believe Tom said that. The elision is extremely suspicious, though.

GALL: Hey, now you're the good guy again!

Who knows what coercion is involved?

DERIK: So who's coercing who now?

GALL: Mutual coercion. Who has the upper hand? Only time will tell.

DERIK: Oh, hold on now, they talked to Thoth, too. This should be...

Thoth himself claims that “Derik is a bleeding heart,”

DERIK: *laughs* Where do they get this stuff?

GALL: I mean, you kind of are? In very specific circumstances that have occasionally come close to getting us killed?

DERIK: I'll never believe Thoth said it, though. ... I do believe the next bit. *aw, bro* But then it's right back into nonsense.

However, he seems unaware of Derik’s other partner, and the same is true of Gall.

GALL: No, I'm pretty aware. More than these dumbasses.

DERIK: Don't be jealous. There's enough of me to go around. *grin*

GALL: Reeeeally? ... Since when?

DERIK: *koff*

What would the two of them think if they knew the real Derik?

GALL: Oh man, lemme tell you—

DERIK: Please don't. Who knows what these people would spin from the kind of chaff that comes out of your mouth?

GALL: *under her breath* Not much actually. >.>

Only time will tell, but we at the Multiverse Monitor are dedicated to ensuring that Derik will be unable to hide behind his lies.

DERIK: But which parts are lies and which parts are the truth? Am I a naïve victim, a conniving predator, or a brave hero?

GALL: I guess they're leaving it up to the reader's imagination.

DERIK: No shortage of THAT here.

As for the foul sorcerer Thoth, we have found that he has no kittens of any sort, which we immediately deemed suspicious. Further investigation reveals that he may, in fact, be feeding innocent kittens to “large and dangerous monsters who tend to throw fire.” Clearly, anyone who would do such a thing is a menace to HQ at large, and the possibility that he is launching a coup against the entire organization must be investigated.

DERIK: *can't keep from laughing anymore* That's rich. I have to show this to him.

GALL: Ask about the oil while you're at it. :D

DERIK: I absolutely will not.

GALL: Aw. You never give me anything I really want.

DERIK: Try wanting things that aren't awful.

[We pan out as the conversation devolves into the usual banter.]

~Neshomeh

Tabloids are a guilty pleasure of mine, not because I believe what they tell me but because I like to laugh at how ridiculous some of the claims are. This didn't disappoint! Truly you are a master of the carefully chosen misquote!

That's a good thing, in this context.

And, Gawd, would I love to see more of this sorta thing. You really perfectly caught just how trash tabloids are. Every ellipsis gave me a jolly old chuckle, they did.

Now I have to ask: is this a new (fourth) Monitor, or have the unnamed reporters joined Starwind and Eledhwen on the 'REAL Multiverse Monitor'? It surely can't be the third version, which had aspirations towards actual standards. ^_^

(I'm hoping for a Fourth Monitor; it'll give Starwind and Eledhwen a chance to rant about being the 'REAL Real Multiverse Monitor'. :D)

hS

Think you'll do a sequel once the mailbox game concludes?