Subject: The bios are hysterical - not a Permissions Giver
Author:
Posted on: 2012-11-14 14:14:00 UTC

Bad logic indeed: it practically fuels the PPC, at least the parts that don't run off of comedy or phlebotinum.

The story does seem to be a little short, especially for five characters to be popping up in. Plus, I don't know where any of the people are - I assume they've found a generic table because it seems like they're sitting down.

Also: the word condone. I'm not sure it means what you think it means, or at least that it should be used where you're using it. For example

"I practice magic, but condone its practice as training for megalomaniacal buffoons."

To condone is neither to approve of something nor to disapprove, but to overlook it even though some might find it objectionable. It's like an old west sheriff looking the other way while his nephew busts some heads in a saloon brawl. In this paragraph, you used the word in a way that doesn't fit the structure of the sentence. There's no conflict between practicing magic and condoning the use of it, so the word "but" shouldn't be used in that context. In addition, the tone of magic being "training for megalomaniacal buffoons," doesn't fit with the idea that the character is condoning it either. (Also, context as to why he has these opinions on magic might have helped.) Logically, it's hard for a person to condone their own actions - the condoner would have to be someone else who turned a blind eye to the proceedings.

(One wonders how you get a whisky flask into a tabard - the last one I saw had no pockets - but that's neither here nor there.)

Unfortunately, aside from all that, the dialogue felt kind of stilted. The phrasing is a bit off to require so many commas, and the order and flow of the sentences doesn't come off as someone talking or even someone trying to talk in an old-fashioned manner. It seems like someone trying to puzzle out a seventeenth or eighteenth-century letter. On top of that, the actions that go with the dialogue don't seem to fit with it, probably because I'm having a hard time parsing the dialogue and it's meaning to begin with. I'm not seeing much emotion from your characters, or any personal choices in regards to how they talk and act.

I do like the message of 'I am human, who are you to criticize,' but it lost a lot of impact in delivery since the sentence was tangled up and didn't show tone. I also don't know enough about any of the non-speaking characters to appreciate why this is a revelation for them.

It seems like you got stuck on large words. You don't need to bring us thesaurus boquets to prove you love us. :)

In the future I'd pick a longer scene with some movement or a less formal tone - you did much better with the agent bios, probably because you weren't trying to write in an old-fashioned manner and because the humorous nature of, say, Specs' glasses-removal problem goes a long way towards helping words like "wherein" get along with the rest of the sentence.

Good luck, SC. :)

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