New Faraen interlude!

New Faraen interlude! by Neshomeh and Iximaz on 2017-12-30 21:49:00 UTC

I love it. by Hieronymus Graubart on 2018-01-15 20:15:00 UTC Reply

I became so immersed that I forgot to take notes. So I had to read it again, because I vaguely remembered zhat there might have been two mistakes.

He hardly dared glance at Farilan with his stalk-eyes.
Shouldn’t this be "dared to glance"?

That would make us 'tit for tat', I believe they saying goes.
Should be "the".

HG

Thanks! by Neshomeh on 2018-01-15 20:36:00 UTC Reply

On the nitpicks, "dared to glance" would technically be correct, but it's commonly phrased without the "to". I... don't really know why. I guess it's a colloquialism, or slang, or something.

The second one is definitely a mistake, and I shall fix it. {= )

~Neshomeh

Re: interlude by doctorlit on 2018-01-10 16:20:00 UTC Reply

This was well-done! There are so many little details that are different for Andalites and humans, but both of you guys always seem to keep them in mind so well when you're writing Ilraen and Farilan. And both characters react to each other and to every little stimulus from the experience level they feel like they're at right now. Just a very realistically done series of character interactions, all around. I'm also glad Farilan is going to have some emotional depth to her, rather than just being, um. Iskillion.

And good to see Ilraen "retrieved" the Monster Book, too. We should always clean up our own messes, after all!

—doctorlit

Oh, I didn't reply! by Neshomeh on 2018-01-11 19:14:00 UTC Reply

Now I am.

Thank you! It is quite nice to see Farilan slowly coming around under the influence of Ilraen's charm, such as it is. And to show just how far he's come as a mature, knowledgeable individual ~~who might be writing a food blog in his spare time~~.

(Actually, next time someone wants to do a Multiverse Monitor again, I'll have to whip up something along those lines. Ought to be fun.)

Alas, Ilraen did not so much retrieve the MBoM as get chased down the corridor by it until he finally lost it in an Escher room or something. It is still very much at large in HQ, waiting to ambush the next unsuspecting passerby. {= )

~Neshomeh

That was so cute! by son_of_heaven176 on 2018-01-06 04:06:00 UTC Reply

A perfect rendition of Ilraen's ~~first date~~ cultural assimilation session, and awww! Farilan does have a heart! If I didn't ship Faraen before, I sure do now.

And no nitpicks from the resident Haitian on the (admittedly limited) French! That's a plus!

Yay! Thank you! (nm) by Neshomeh on 2018-01-06 15:51:00 UTC Reply

Impressions and review by Tomash on 2017-12-30 22:44:00 UTC Reply
- I'm liking how the opening two paragraphs characterize Ilraen and Farilan's attitudes towards each other
  - Or do they? That summary was oddly insistent
  - As is that next bit, where Farilan is concerned about the scar
  - Ok, Ilraen needing to explain Christmas presents is cute
  - Well, handing over the Monster Book of Monsters could've gone worse
  - "If she'd had eyebrows at that moment, she would have raised one." is good
  - The thing with Ilraen cutting off the string of names was a nice touch
  - That was a good discussion of clothes
  - Farilan's got a point about the balance
  - Minor wording nit: Is it "the Cemetery Hill" or just "Cemetery Hill"? I'd've used the latter.
  - Ilraen has good taste in introductory food, and I'm liking the vague nod to the fact that HQ probably has an economy of some sort
  - "Ilraen, did you take me out here to teach me, or to romance me?"
  - Nice save, Ilraen. And, hey friends is good
  - (on reread) "doing her best to look dismissive" is a good way to show what Farilan thinks about this
  - Human stuff for Homeworld stuff is a good conversation thing
  - (on reread) Y'll've got a four-dot ellipsis after "scoops". Unless that's meant to be "... .", in which case you've got extra spaces in your ellipsis.
  - Museums of lost writing do sound like a thing Farilan would like
  - IIRC, hands to the face were an intimate gesture for Andalites, so the vague hint of one ... Are you two ship-teasing?
  - Hi, Monster Book of Monsters. Wasn't expecting to see you there at the end.
  - gets to Ix's author's note They're going to start dating. I'm calling it now.
  
  Review-y bit:
  
  So, first impressions. One thing that stood out for me was the vivid imagery throughout the piece. Like, it wasn't verbose, but y'all did a good job of putting together good (and sometimes funny) descriptions of things.
  
  I like how the whole situation played out.
  
  I personally really enjoy reading non-human perspectives on humans (and vice versa), so I have to say I liked those bits and that I wouldn't've objected to more (but I am an outlier here I suspect).
  
  Hm. Crit. Aside from the minor typos in the list above, the only other bone I could see myself picking (and I'm debating with myself about whether this is an issue) is that "The time passed far too quickly. Soon Ilraen's two hours were almost up" leaves "and then for a while, more of what we just saw" a bit implicit. I inferred that from context, but it maybe could've used a few more words to specify. Maybe? It's nearing midnight, I'm not sure.
  
  - Tomash

Thanks! Some responses. by Neshomeh on 2017-12-31 14:34:00 UTC Reply

The hill is just referred to uncapitalized as "the cemetery hill" in its earliest appearances. I guess I'm torn between just continuing to refer to it that way and making it a proper name.

HQ totally has an economy! Mostly trade-based, also with some sort of system for exchanging all the many canonical currencies that people get their appendages on. (May vary per establishment/writer discretion.) There was a really fun thread about this a couple years ago.

All the ellipses are spaced like that. It's a Chicago-style thing.

There is a Monster Book of Monsters loose in the halls of HQ. Have fun with it! {= D

Re. imagery, I really wanted to give a better impression of New Caledonia than we've had before. I'm glad it works!

And I wouldn't say we're ship-teasing, nor trying to make the situation particularly confusing... but the characters themselves are confused and/or painfully naïve and/or in denial, so there is that. {= )

~Neshomeh

Re: responses by Tomash on 2017-12-31 16:31:00 UTC Reply

The compromise was tripping my grammaticality detector, which is why I pointed it out.

I remember that thread! That was a cool thread.

Huh. That is way different from the style I'm used to on ellipses. Good to know it's not a mistake.

On top of giving a good impression of New Cal, y'all did a good job of describing people's mental states without spelling it out, which, on re-think, is what I was trying to get at.

The situation isn't particularly confusing, it's just that, as written, there's a possibility for the characters' confusion/denial/naivety to tank the relationship.

- Tomash

Oh, and if you prefer to read in Gdocs... by Neshomeh on 2017-12-30 21:53:00 UTC Reply

I meant to include the Gdocs link, too, but forgot, because I am derp. Here it is:

Also "Third Kind."

~Neshomeh