Subject: Impressions and review
Author:
Posted on: 2017-12-30 22:44:00 UTC
- I'm liking how the opening two paragraphs characterize Ilraen and Farilan's attitudes towards each other
- Or do they? That summary was oddly insistent
- As is that next bit, where Farilan is concerned about the scar
- Ok, Ilraen needing to explain Christmas presents is cute
- Well, handing over the Monster Book of Monsters could've gone worse
- "If she'd had eyebrows at that moment, she would have raised one." is good
- The thing with Ilraen cutting off the string of names was a nice touch
- That was a good discussion of clothes
- Farilan's got a point about the balance
- Minor wording nit: Is it "the Cemetery Hill" or just "Cemetery Hill"? I'd've used the latter.
- Ilraen has good taste in introductory food, and I'm liking the vague nod to the fact that HQ probably has an economy of some sort
- "Ilraen, did you take me out here to teach me, or to romance me?"
- Nice save, Ilraen. And, hey friends is good
- (on reread) "doing her best to look dismissive" is a good way to show what Farilan thinks about this
- Human stuff for Homeworld stuff is a good conversation thing
- (on reread) Y'll've got a four-dot ellipsis after "scoops". Unless that's meant to be "... .", in which case you've got extra spaces in your ellipsis.
- Museums of lost writing do sound like a thing Farilan would like
- IIRC, hands to the face were an intimate gesture for Andalites, so the vague hint of one ... Are you two ship-teasing?
- Hi, Monster Book of Monsters. Wasn't expecting to see you there at the end.
- gets to Ix's author's note They're going to start dating. I'm calling it now.
Review-y bit:
So, first impressions. One thing that stood out for me was the vivid imagery throughout the piece. Like, it wasn't verbose, but y'all did a good job of putting together good (and sometimes funny) descriptions of things.
I like how the whole situation played out.
I personally really enjoy reading non-human perspectives on humans (and vice versa), so I have to say I liked those bits and that I wouldn't've objected to more (but I am an outlier here I suspect).
Hm. Crit. Aside from the minor typos in the list above, the only other bone I could see myself picking (and I'm debating with myself about whether this is an issue) is that "The time passed far too quickly. Soon Ilraen's two hours were almost up" leaves "and then for a while, more of what we just saw" a bit implicit. I inferred that from context, but it maybe could've used a few more words to specify. Maybe? It's nearing midnight, I'm not sure.
- Tomash