Subject: Re: interlude
Author:
Posted on: 2017-12-27 01:52:00 UTC

Not a whole lot to say here, mostly because of me missing plot points back while I wasn't reading missions. I didn't catch any of Whitney and Backslash's relationship leading up to this, but it seems like a nice scene in general. I like that the tone is very plain, reflecting the honest communication that is both the vehicle and the topic of the conversation here. I also like that events from the past, and the relationships these two characters have with other not in this interlude are shown to have an effect on Whitney and Backslash without dominating the conversation. It makes it feel realistic, and keeps the present scene from feeling like a self-contained box.

I also like how you include Alice's herd in the background details, and even use them to animate the action of your characters' eyes at one point, but again, without letting the horses' presence detract from the flow of the scene. Although, speaking of that moment:

"Backslash just barely managed to avert her gaze by glancing at the horses in the distance."

I assume "avert" here is supposed to be "avoid?" "Avert" implies Backslash is somehow forcing Whitney to look away from him, which doesn't make sense.

And also, just to check:

"'Merry Christmas to you to, Whitey,' he said . . ."

Was "Whitey" intentional there, or is it supposed to be "Whitney" again?

But yeah. Very simply executed scene that feels very effective to me.

—doctorlit, Wii Unfit Trainer

Reply Return to messages