Subject: New nitpick
Author:
Posted on: 2018-01-06 02:55:00 UTC
Extra comma: It may have been particularly cold this evening,, but she was in no way going to miss her daily session.
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New interlude! by
on 2017-12-24 20:26:00 UTC
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Agents Whitney and Backslash have a little Heart-To-Heart in the Headquarters' Courtyard.
Merry (early) Christmas, everyone! -
I did want to put my own comments on this story by
on 2018-01-06 03:03:00 UTC
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but it seems that doctorlit said basically everything that I would want to say before I even took a look at the interlude. And even though the beginning of the relationship is still in the works, a quick look at Whitney's page on the Wiki showed that I seemed to have missed or forgotten a few missions. Looks like I've got some reading to do!
Good luck with that mission you're working on. Knowing you, it will be worth the read when it comes out.
I hope you enjoyed your holidays, and good luck in 2018! -
Review by
on 2017-12-27 21:22:00 UTC
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That was good and heartwarming.
From what I remember of Whitney and Backslash, this scene follows from the previous stories, even though the callbacks were a bit dense in parts (though it didn't really impact the story much).
I liked the descriptions of the scenery, it worked rather well.
- Tomash -
Thank you! by
on 2017-12-30 17:53:00 UTC
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Unfortunately, I haven't have the time to write those previous stories that led to their relationship becoming the way it is now, but the lead-in to and the aftermath of that critical event I've been teasing the Board about for some time now will probably explore said relationship in more detail, including its origin and the way these two have gotten to understand each other up until now. We'll see how my PPC writing turns out in 2018!
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Re: interlude by
on 2017-12-27 01:52:00 UTC
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Not a whole lot to say here, mostly because of me missing plot points back while I wasn't reading missions. I didn't catch any of Whitney and Backslash's relationship leading up to this, but it seems like a nice scene in general. I like that the tone is very plain, reflecting the honest communication that is both the vehicle and the topic of the conversation here. I also like that events from the past, and the relationships these two characters have with other not in this interlude are shown to have an effect on Whitney and Backslash without dominating the conversation. It makes it feel realistic, and keeps the present scene from feeling like a self-contained box.
I also like how you include Alice's herd in the background details, and even use them to animate the action of your characters' eyes at one point, but again, without letting the horses' presence detract from the flow of the scene. Although, speaking of that moment:
"Backslash just barely managed to avert her gaze by glancing at the horses in the distance."
I assume "avert" here is supposed to be "avoid?" "Avert" implies Backslash is somehow forcing Whitney to look away from him, which doesn't make sense.
And also, just to check:
"'Merry Christmas to you to, Whitey,' he said . . ."
Was "Whitey" intentional there, or is it supposed to be "Whitney" again?
But yeah. Very simply executed scene that feels very effective to me.
—doctorlit, Wii Unfit Trainer -
Re: review by
on 2017-12-30 17:51:00 UTC
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Thank you for the kind words, and I'm glad you liked it! Unfortunately, since I haven't been able to write pretty much ANYTHING noteworthy PPC-wise this year aside from a couple of interludes and ficlets, mostly related to Falchion and his team, I haven't been able to showcase WHEN Whitney and Backslash's relationship began - but let's just say that it'll start happening after some very critical events I'm still planning which, in-universe, happened on Christmas of 2016, which was actually hinted at in the interlude proper. Their relationship upgrade has been in the works for a while and I've pretty much now spoiled the fact that it's led up to this proposal, but I still have to figure out HOW it began and it has some connections with said critical events, along with Falchion's team. We'll see how my writing muse fares next year if Real Life doesn't obstruct it! ^^;
As for your two nitpicks, "avert" DOES mean "avoid", as in "avert your eyes" being used to mean "don't look". And as for "Whitey", that was a slip of the tongue on Backslash's part during the events of "Good Knight and Good Luck", and he's been using it as an affectionate nickname for her since then. -
Adding to the nitpicks. by
on 2018-01-04 21:45:00 UTC
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Merry Christmas to you to, Whitey,
The second "to" should be "too".
Also, I agree with doctorlit that "avoid" would work better than "avert". "Avert your eyes!" may be very loosely associated with "Avoid to look at me/this/whatever!", but its meaning is actually closer to "Turn/look away!" At least that’s what I get when I translate it to German and then back to English, and this is probably why Backslash just barely managed to avert her gaze implies that Backslash redirects Whitney’s gaze rather than his own.
HG -
Re: New Interlude by
on 2017-12-25 22:40:00 UTC
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I can't help myself, but... D'aaaawww...
That was so sweet and adorable! Didn't expect that ending either.
Still, congrats to the soon-to-be Mr. And Mrs. Backslash... Wait, does he even have a last name? Well congratulations anyway! -
That was my exact reaction upon re-reading this thing! <3 by
on 2017-12-26 22:42:00 UTC
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Backslash technically never did have a last name. He was just named that on the spot by the people at Medical when he was sent to HQ, and then decided to roll with it because he realized a while later that he didn't HAVE a name. I did consider giving him a surname before this point but decided that it wouldn't really add anything to his story - until he marries Whitney, whereupon he'll likely take HER surname instead. XD
Thanks so much, and Happy (late) Holidays! *huggles* -
I love it! So sweet. ^^ by
on 2017-12-24 21:44:00 UTC
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Though, there's an extra word at a key moment:
"How could I not say no?" -
Thank you! by
on 2017-12-25 00:56:00 UTC
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Initially I was going to protest that the intent was for Backslash to worry that Whitney was going to say no, but having given it some thought I now realize that I really did mess up there. The correct wording should be either "How could I not say yes?" or "How could I say no?" The goof has now been rectified with the former phrasing. ^^;
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New nitpick by
on 2018-01-06 02:55:00 UTC
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Extra comma: It may have been particularly cold this evening,, but she was in no way going to miss her daily session.