Subject: Star Trek mission
Author:
Posted on: 2012-11-04 21:26:00 UTC

All right, these are my edits and comments, in chronological order.
Part 1
-I love the beginning bit with Cyba dancing. Imagining all her lines in the voice of the Collective made me crack up.
-"With guess which species?" should probably be "As guess which species?"
-Keep them mini-Tribbles just so you can keep the scene where one lands on Eagrus's head. :)
- "It wouldn't be fair on the Borg" should probably be "It wouldn't be fair to the Borg". And I agree with Cyba on that. :)
-I don't think you put "Kasons" and "Kason" on the mini list. It's Kazon, plural Kazon.
-Cyba and Eagrus discuss the section of text including "Time to dye" later than where you put it, so maybe you should move it.
-I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but the CAD says "Katherine Janeway" instead of "Kathryn Janeway" and "immanent" instead of "imminent". Could be Jack Russel's bad spelling affecting the CAD, though.
-"Russel/Seska/Squick" doesn't need the second slash.
Part 2
-I love the paper airplanes. "We are the PPC. Resistance is futile." I usually refrain from internet slang, but ROFL!
-I want to see Cyba chase her own eye laser. It would be HILARIOUS!
-The Borg are OOC, not OC. I think that happened twice.
-Several times, you use non-speech modifiers as speech modifiers, like "smiled", "stared", or "grinned". I didn't find it detracted much from my enjoyment of the story, but I just though you should be aware.
-"We're ladies," grinned the three Cybas." That comment seemed kind of random to me. Also, not a speech modifier.
-Poor Eagrus, having to deal with the Collective of Three. It's awesome, though. I like how they could sort of pick up the Collective's signals, but they still sort of keep their own personalities. A hilarious side to the Borg.
Overall, I liked it a lot. Yes, Jack Russel deserves a wiki page, since the author wrote more stories with him (I claim the other Trekverse one, pending permission, of course). In fact, he might be an multiverse emergency.

Reply Return to messages