Subject: I knew I had the wrong termÂ…
Author:
Posted on: 2012-11-05 02:58:00 UTC
…I just meant that a lot of agents from a lot of departments would be involved.
Subject: I knew I had the wrong termÂ…
Author:
Posted on: 2012-11-05 02:58:00 UTC
…I just meant that a lot of agents from a lot of departments would be involved.
Many thanks to firemagic for your offer of beta-ing - I understand from a recent post that you've been unexpectedly snowed under with things in the Real World. As such, and knowing you were tackling all five of these missions alone, I have opened them up for the Board to read, enjoy and inform me of any errors I need to fix (whereupon I will fix them to the best of my ability). Hopefully that takes the load off you.
So everybody, here are the links. Chapters 2-5 are Mulan, Chapter 6 is Star Trek:
Chapter 2: http://cyba-zero.livejournal.com/1272.html
Chapter 3: http://cyba-zero.livejournal.com/1426.html
Chapter 4: http://cyba-zero.livejournal.com/1582.html
Chapter 5: http://cyba-zero.livejournal.com/2019.html
Chapter 6 (Part 1): http://cyba-zero.livejournal.com/2108.html
Chapter 6 (Part 2): http://cyba-zero.livejournal.com/2458.html
I am also wondering if (after reading) anyone here thinks the Chapter 6 'Stu, 'Captain Jack Russel', merits a wiki page?
Also, for those of you who missed my first mission (Mass Effect):
Chapter 1: http://cyba-zero.livejournal.com/931.html
This is mostly for the notice of Neshomeh, as I know you are working on the 'Sue catagory pages at the moment.
I put the page up because, as far as I know, no other 'Sue has managed to partially assimilate themself with their own bad logic, lack of description and plot-warping power. There are also more badfics involving him waiting to be sporked, across various continua, and hermione of vulcan seconded the idea of building a page for him.
I have not yet added him to any catagories, to minimise interference.
The page link is here:
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/CaptainJackRussel
Please tell me what you think.
Actually, that's more Guvnor of Space's wheelhouse—him and the other evaluation team members, EileenAlphabet and Antigone68104.
The last time the discussion came up, though, I do think the Board was leaning toward a wait time before Sues could be nominated for a page, the idea being that they have to stick in people's heads over time to count as notable. That said, while I did suggest it, it's ultimately not my decision. I'll only get irritated if you ignore established formatting precedents for that type of page and don't properly set off your titles. {= P
Thanks anyway, though!
~Neshomeh
It was more that this particular one might end up being mentioned in more missions and in the Official Fanfiction Academy of Starfleet (which hermione of vulcan and Apricot head). So... yeah, he almost certainly will stick around.
Still, I'll leave the catagory markers off, and if the evaluation team thinks he deserves a page, then they can add them in later. That way nobody has to worry about making the actual page, because I already did.
In general, though, I would advise against making new pages on the basis of mights and maybes. That's how we ended up with a bunch of pages about characters who have never done anything, continua with no missions in them, etc.
~Neshomeh, guilty on a few counts regarding continuum pages herself. >.>;
We have a few old Sue images that had been used on the now-deleted pages. Like this one:
Is it all right to start deleting these?
I've got mine backed up, so it's fine by me.
I left the images when I deleted the pages that were marked just in case anyone found a use for them on other pages. I haven't thought of anything for mine, and I guess nobody else has, either.
~Neshomeh
I've been reading these in between work shifts, so I likely won't remember everything I had wanted to say, so . . . in a chaotic ball of free association, here are my thoughts and corrections:
To start on a general note, something you've done super-well is setting things up way in advance, and making everything run together. This goes back to your first mission, where you introduced Eagrus' distaste for technology, and the malfunctioning of the disguise generator in the "Mulan and Shang 300" mission. Both of those pay off down the line, with Cyba's Borgification and the Borg-heavy Star Trek mission. The same goes for replacement!Shang in the first Mulan mission calling the agents Huns, and turning that into a running gag. These sorts of things give your spinoff some real glue between the installments, and help it flow better as a long-running story.
As for other things I liked, I liked that the mini-Colossi have such strong personalities, and interact with both agents as well the console frequently and in different ways. You made good use of the comma storm to unite the Mulan missions. (And also to keep the disparate Ancient China and modern day bits together. Seriously. Talk about clashing cultures.)
I super muchly loved the Star Trek mission! That piece, while taking the call-forwards from the other missions I already mentioned, was particularly cohesive in and of itself. I especially loved the focus you put on the Borg culture, and how you turned the Sue's descriptions and actions back on himself at the end. Part 2 had my absolute favorite bit, where the Borg's hive mind started infecting Cyba's mind (and Cyba cubed's minds). This majorly underscored the real threat the Borg poses in the Trekverse, and contradicts the account of them presented by the Sue, which is the sort of thing I love in PPC missions: giving the canon a chance to show its stuff after being degraded by the original fic's bad writing.
And now mistakes I found! (Apologies if these have already been pointed out, but I can't stay up any longer to read all the comments.)
Mulan and Shang 300
""Don't sat tha-" Eagrus was too late." (say instead of sat)
Fas Mulan: I just wanted to point out "Fa" is the family name given for Mulan's family in the Disney movie. You seemed a bit confused by it (as was I, when I encountered it in my own claim to these mini-fics. :s )
Between the lines, ""We have to wait that long?"" and ""Oh no," Eagrus corrected her." the font you're using changes.
Parenthood
" . . . to encourage yet another immanent punctuation storm." (imminent instead of immanent)
" . . . heard the terracotta soldier say, now moderately discernibly." (two adverbs in a row, lol)
Parenthood 2
Alright, alright, we're coming!" cried Eagrus. (missing opening quotation mark)
Untitled 1
" . . . trying to her mind off her destination..." (missed a verb)
Love and War part 1
Another font change here, between ""Since when would Kes and Seska faint over a dog-man?!" pointed out Cyba furiously."" and ""Oh look, he wants to come 'abored'," snickered Eagrus."
Love and War part 2
" . . . snapped the trio of Cybas in unison. "Then they exchanged glares . . ." (Oh look! The missing quotation mark from "Parenthood 2!" (: )
"Sigma cuffed him with her metal arm . . ." (This isn't a typo so much, but the sentence before this one had Eagrus off-handedly referring to the Borg as monsters, so when I started reading this one, I assumed (based on Cyba-cubed's increasing protectiveness of the Borg) that Sigma was hitting Eagrus until I got farther into the sentence. You might want to rewrite this sentence a bit to make it more obvious that it's the Sue getting socked.)
Thanks for all the feedback, and I'm glad you liked it so much!
I have fixed those corrections I can. I noticed the font problems when I first posted the missions, but even digging around the html I cannot seem to fix them. They don't show on the Word docs (the fix worked there) - it's something LJ's done/ignored.
I figured about Fa Mulan, but with 'Fas Mulan', the point I was making was a missing full stop. I've made it a little more clear now.
Ah, the mini-Colossi - yes, I have plans for an interlude concerning them. Zouh might get a bigger look-in soon, too.
I must say, mission 6 is the one I'm most pleased with - and most enjoyed writing. There was a reason I pounced on it quick - that was one not to be missed, not with my agents, and not with some of those misspellings. Turning the 'Stu's powers against him did not occur to me initially, but as I thought about how to deal with him, the realisation hit me and I laughed so much at the irony. It was too big an opportunity to let pass.
As it turns out, the author Jack Russel has written a lot of badfic (all of it similar in mechanics, and spread across quite a few continua). There are no fewer than four fics containing the same Gary Stu, Captain Jack Russel (including the one I sporked), although at a glance the others seem to involve the same character under different names and guises. The Captain also appears to have DS9 and Tomb Raider in his sights for the future. I know hermione of vulcan has plans to spork the other existing Trekverse fic once she gets permission. The other two are Halo and L4D, neither of which I know much about. One to watch, though, and possibly a call for DMS, Division of Multiple Offences.
All right, these are my edits and comments, in chronological order.
Part 1
-I love the beginning bit with Cyba dancing. Imagining all her lines in the voice of the Collective made me crack up.
-"With guess which species?" should probably be "As guess which species?"
-Keep them mini-Tribbles just so you can keep the scene where one lands on Eagrus's head. :)
- "It wouldn't be fair on the Borg" should probably be "It wouldn't be fair to the Borg". And I agree with Cyba on that. :)
-I don't think you put "Kasons" and "Kason" on the mini list. It's Kazon, plural Kazon.
-Cyba and Eagrus discuss the section of text including "Time to dye" later than where you put it, so maybe you should move it.
-I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but the CAD says "Katherine Janeway" instead of "Kathryn Janeway" and "immanent" instead of "imminent". Could be Jack Russel's bad spelling affecting the CAD, though.
-"Russel/Seska/Squick" doesn't need the second slash.
Part 2
-I love the paper airplanes. "We are the PPC. Resistance is futile." I usually refrain from internet slang, but ROFL!
-I want to see Cyba chase her own eye laser. It would be HILARIOUS!
-The Borg are OOC, not OC. I think that happened twice.
-Several times, you use non-speech modifiers as speech modifiers, like "smiled", "stared", or "grinned". I didn't find it detracted much from my enjoyment of the story, but I just though you should be aware.
-"We're ladies," grinned the three Cybas." That comment seemed kind of random to me. Also, not a speech modifier.
-Poor Eagrus, having to deal with the Collective of Three. It's awesome, though. I like how they could sort of pick up the Collective's signals, but they still sort of keep their own personalities. A hilarious side to the Borg.
Overall, I liked it a lot. Yes, Jack Russel deserves a wiki page, since the author wrote more stories with him (I claim the other Trekverse one, pending permission, of course). In fact, he might be an multiverse emergency.
Thanks for the pointers; I've made the corrections. There might be a few odd modifiers floating around still, but the rest should all be fixed.
I'm glad you liked it! I'd be interested in Apricot's opinion, too!
I don't think I'd necessarily call the 'Stu, Jack Russel, a multiversal emergency, but he definitely counts as a recurring problem 'Stu. Multiversal emergencies are usually something really big (like the Assimilation Crisis or a major attack on HQ from the Suvian mirrorverse). I don't think Jack Russel is quite that powerful, but for recurrance and sheer awfulness (and a certain amount of godmoding), I would call him deserving of his own wiki page.
Thanks for all your input!
I just reread it, and I saw a "Kathryne Janeway". Typo, probably, but you'll want to fix it.
I seem to have corrected myself wrongly. Never mind, the 'e' is gone now. How embarrassing.
…I just meant that a lot of agents from a lot of departments would be involved.
Chapter 2: 2 minis, Zouh (adopted by Eagrus) and Emporer.
Chapter 3: 1 child for the nursery, Miley.
Chapter 4: 1 mini-Bit, Ling She (looks like a little Chinese guy, except grey and faded).
Chapter 5:
Recruits (5): Bri'Aunna, Yoa, Miley, Will, Elizabeth.
Nursery: two unnamed daughters and however many children Will and Elizabeth have (unspecified).
Loot: 1 talking gate (dibs placed by Eagrus) and one neckless (dibs placed by Cyba).
Chapter 6:
Minis: 22
Mini-Tribbles (17): Turok, Turock, Torries, Voyger, voyger, voger, borg, borge, Buge, Kilngon, Paries, Arry Kim, Caprtin Janeway, caprtin Janeway, Captin Janeway, altha qudrant, Ensin Ryan.
Mini-Rancor: hislight saber
Mini-Tanks: Left for Dead and Loius
Mini-'Stus: Caprt Jack Russel and Captin Jack Russel (both taken for training by Phi)
Loot: 1 'rocket luncher' (must be an anti-rocket shield of some description), 2 'laseryer guns' (say 'yer' when fired), 1 lightsaber (dibs placed by Eagrus), 1 long black captain's coat (dibs placed by Cyba), 1 default-sci-fi spaceship (to be delivered to DoSAT).
Recruits: Sertana
Okay, so this might be a bit lengthy, but these are some important points that I wanted to... er... point out.
Chapter 3
Only one major note here, and it's the way this line is written: Then she shut the portal, missing Eagrus' eye-roll as soon as her back was turned.
My smaller note is that Eagrus' eye-roll should be Eagrus's eye-roll; despite the fact that Eagrus ends with an 's', the eye-roll still belongs to him, and this should be reflected with an apostrophe-s rather than just a plain apostrophe.
The larger note is the way the sentence is worded. As it is, the line makes it sound as though Cyba didn't miss Eagrus's eye-roll until she turned her back; a better way to write this sentence might have been something like this: Then she turned and shut the portal, giving Eagrus the chance to roll his eyes without her noticing.
Chapter 4
My only problem here is that one of your conversations came dangerously close to being too confusing to sort out who was saying what: "Where did you get that?"
"I bodged it up while you were being subjected to the No Drool Videos."
"Riiiight... Oh, and Cyba, don't challenge the IO! It'll come back to bite you!"
"And you know what...I'm in a good mood and I DON'T CARE! BRING IT ON!"
"I don't know why I'm going to go on this mission with you, Cyba, but I'm increasingly sure I'm going to regret it."
"I'm hyper, crazy - and the IO is not going to stop that. Not today! HAHAHA!"
"We're doomed..."
The only reason I didn't lose track of who was speaking was that Eagrus kept calling Cyba by name, which strikes me as a touch 'scripted', but that could just be the way he talks.
While it's okay to have a few lines written without identifying the speaker (as long as there are only two speakers, or there are several voices speaking at once and the narration needs to reflect a sense of all-at-once chaos), I find that more than a line or two per unidentified speaker begins to feel like a script with no specified characters - not only is the dialogue confusing after that point, but foreshadowing and personality quirks mentioned by a character during such a conversation may not stick with the reader as well as it would if the speakers were identified quickly enough to prevent any confusion, which can take away from the story a bit.
Now for the Nicer Stuff!
I really liked the fact that the wraiths possessing Mulan and Shang kept noticing the agents. I made an apple cider-drinking game of it. We're out of cider, now.
And I'm fairly certain this is the first time I've ever seen an agent wage war with the Ironic Overpower. It was equal parts terrifying and hilarious.
Your mentions of Sar-Plasm made me curious, so I went on the Wiki and read the other mission where it's mentioned ('Of Sar-Plasm, Sue Pies, and other Affairs of the Organs...'). I'm sad there's not a Wiki page for the stuff; it seems under-loved. Someone should correct this! -raises hand to volunteer-
Anyway, all in all, great missions! I giggled nonstop while I was reading them, and that's a good thing. :D
Glad you enjoyed the missions! And yes, Agent Cyba IS that crazy when she's hyper. She got her come-uppance, though.
I'm surprised Sar-Plasm isn't mentioned much - from the missions I've read, I thought it was fairly common. By all means update the wiki!
Thanks for the feedback!
Oh, yes she did. I'm almost tempted to say 'poor Cyba', but I worry doing so will make the IO think I'm in league with her! Plus, she totally had it coming.
Maybe I just haven't read the right kind of missions - I've been sticking to the ones that save continua I'm familiar with and like, but haven't read more than about twenty or so outside of TOS. But yes, I shall have to dig IP more Sar-Plasm information and make the wiki page!