"Boy!"

Lorelei rolled her eyes hard and leant across the table. "First of all, I'm not a boy-"

"I can't exactly call you 'man', can I?" Doctor Cornelius huffed. "Ridiculous!"

"For this, I quit DUI?" Lorelei muttered. "Ugh, whatever. Secondly, I'm right here, there's no need to shout. And thirdly," she rapped her knuckles on the table, "we're off-duty; stop ordering me around."

"Off-duty?" Doctor Cornelius seemed to swell up, almost floating out of his seat. "A true librarian is never off-duty! Why, any moment a rare book could cross your path, and-"

"We're in a pub," Lorelei pointed out. "Books, maybe, but rare books?"

"Don't you sass me, boy!" Doctor Cornelius snapped. "I'm the oldest agent, you know! I didn't stay with the PPC all these years so a mere child could-"

"'scuse me." The young woman - though how Doctor Cornelius would describe her, Lorelei couldn't imagine - at the next table leant back in her chair, waving one hand. "Dr. Cornelius, isn't it? Did I just hear you say you're the... oldest agent?"

"One hundred and ten today!" Doctor Cornelius confirmed, his chest puffing up under his beard. "Well, probably today - this place is a nightmare for timelines, you know."

"You don't look a day over 90," the agent said with a smile. "But I don't think that makes you the oldest agent, I'm afraid."

"What?!" If the doctor had swelled up before, he now seemed fit to burst. "I haven't given my life to the PPC just so I can be dismissed by-"

"Nonono!" The agent threw up her hands. "No dismissing, promise! It's just that, well, there are agents quite a bit older than you."

"Nonsense," Doctor Cornelius puffed. "Why, I daresay you couldn't show me a single one!"

"Um." The agent tapped the arm of the taller woman next to her. "Selene? I think that's your cue."

The second agent put down her glass - which, Lorelei noted, was filled with a very red liquid - and turned. "Selene Morgana Lilith Perdita X Windflower," she said, nodding to the doctor. "I think what Kaitlyn wants me to say is that I'm nearly..." She stopped, glancing at said partner. "You're just going to correct me if I bend the truth, aren't you?"

"That's what I'm here for," Kaitlyn agreed, grinning.

"Fine." Selene pushed a lock of hair back from her face, her fingers brushing over the brasswork implanted there. "Then I'm a little over two hundred and fifty." She looked at the doctor's reddening face, glanced away. "Like you say, precise calculations are tricky around here."

"You think you have it bad?" A third woman (who, Lorelei noticed, had black hair just like Kaitlyn and Selene - she was starting to feel left out) ambled over. "I've spent half my life roaming around the time vortex, I can't even get my age to within a decade." She swung down into an empty chair and took a swig of her drink. "I've been 'about four hundred' since I joined the PPC."

Selene nodded to the newcomer. "Agent Morgan," she said. "My partner's... I think she's trying to make her new friend here feel young." She frowned slightly, pursing her lips. "Or she's just nitpicking. Hard to tell."

Morgan snorted. "If it's young you want, you should come visit the Continuity Council," she said. "Dis and the Agent won't tell me how old they actually are, but I know it's up around a thousand." Her lip twitched into a smile. "And Grey definitely should be twice that, even if she isn't."

"Oh, I think we can do better than that." Kaitlyn got to her feet, then clambered onto her chair and waved vigorously. "Hey! Huinesoron! You're needed!"

She slid back down into her seat and looked around at the others. "What? I needed him."

A tall elf (whose brown hair was so dark it was almost - sigh - black) wove his way between the tables towards them. "Kaitlyn," he said, a hint of wariness in his face. "I'm guessing you're not about to offer me a drink."

"Maybe in a minute," Kaitlyn said, grabbing his hand and pulling him over. "Doctor Cornelius, this is Huinesoron, from over in DOGA. He's just celebrated his two thousand, six hundred and twentieth birthday."

"That's not-" Huinesoron shook his head. "That's just an estimate," he assured the doctor, "and it's not actually my birthday-"

"Might be," Kaitlyn said stubbornly. "Anyway, I reckon that makes you older than anyone."

Huinesoron tilted his head to the side. "Gurnirel and Naergondir over in SIELU might be older," he said. "They were born before me, we're pretty sure, but I waited longer to join the Protectors, so..."

"And you can't say older than anyone," Morgan put in. "The Guardsman - over in Internal Affairs? - has definitely topped four thousand."

"There's a draeni in Bad Slash who's passed eight," Selene proffered. "And I think- Kaitlyn, what are you doing?"

Kaitlyn continued tapping at her communicator. "Oh, you know what I'm doing."

"... please don't." Selene's fingers rapped on the tabletop. "Come on, Kaitlyn, there's no need to-"

A portal opened between the tables, and a (yep) black-haired elf stepped out. "Priestess," he said, nodding to Kaitlyn. "Huinesoron. ... Selene."

"Dafydd." Selene looked steadfastly down at her drink. "Hi."

"Given that I've been summoned to a bar," Dafydd Illian said, looking around, "I'm going to assume 'dire emergency' is code for 'come have a drink."

"Well, you're welcome to," Kaitlyn said, "but there really is an emergency. We're arguing about who the oldest agent is."

Dafydd arched an eyebrow. "I'm not an agent any more."

"You still count." Kaitlyn flicked her fingers towards him. "Come on, I remember your speech to the Grey Lady. 'I was born two thousand years before the Sun rose, and have lived through six Ages of-'"

"I can't believe you still know that." Dafydd didn't quite wince. "It comes to 15,000 years, give or take." He glanced around the group, taking in Huinesoron (looking slightly awestruck), Morgan (slightly impressed), and Doctor Cornelius (slightly sick). "Do I win?"

<<Er...>>

A hazy form coalesced above the table, taking on roughly humanoid shape. It didn't really have enough detail to show hair colour, which at this point, Lorelei was happy to call a win. The group reacted with varying degrees of confusion, except for Morgan, who nodded politely, and Dafydd, who waved a greeting.

"Fëamintë," he said, smiling. "What brings you here?"

<<Your wife sent me,>> the Maia formerly known as Agent Vemi said. <<Something about running out on her?>>

"She said there was an emergency," Dafydd pointed out, gesturing at Kaitlyn. "I'd never turn down an opportunity like that."

<<She said something about chopping onions,>> Fëamintë noted. <<You should probably get back. But.>>

Dafydd looked abruptly wary. "But?"

<<But I was created ere Arda was sung,>> the Maia said softly, <<and walked with Oromë until we fought for the Children at Utumno.>> She held up one glowing hand, fingers outstretched. <<Time had little meaning in the ages of Lamps and Trees, but even by conservative estimate, that makes me over 44,000 Years of the Sun in age.>> She looked around the group, her eyes glowing with pale fire. <<I think that means I win.>>

Dafydd chewed on his lip, then sighed and nodded. Most of the others looked on in awe or confusion-

-except for Doctor Cornelius, who rose to his feet with a face like thunder. "You can't do this to me!" he declared. "I don't have to take this! I was the sixteenth agent, you know!"

---

This story is somewhat inspired by Snowblaze, Zingenmir, and Iximaz. Mentioned agents who aren't mine remain the fault of their respective owners.

hS