Subject: YouÂ’re complaining about being old?
Author:
Posted on: 2019-01-23 21:02:00 UTC
Buddy, I’m a good two decades older than you. I’m practically cradle robbing at this point.
But hey, if you ever want to make an old lady feel young again, you know where to find me. ;)
~E
"Boy!"
Lorelei rolled her eyes hard and leant across the table. "First of all, I'm not a boy-"
"I can't exactly call you 'man', can I?" Doctor Cornelius huffed. "Ridiculous!"
"For this, I quit DUI?" Lorelei muttered. "Ugh, whatever. Secondly, I'm right here, there's no need to shout. And thirdly," she rapped her knuckles on the table, "we're off-duty; stop ordering me around."
"Off-duty?" Doctor Cornelius seemed to swell up, almost floating out of his seat. "A true librarian is never off-duty! Why, any moment a rare book could cross your path, and-"
"We're in a pub," Lorelei pointed out. "Books, maybe, but rare books?"
"Don't you sass me, boy!" Doctor Cornelius snapped. "I'm the oldest agent, you know! I didn't stay with the PPC all these years so a mere child could-"
"'scuse me." The young woman - though how Doctor Cornelius would describe her, Lorelei couldn't imagine - at the next table leant back in her chair, waving one hand. "Dr. Cornelius, isn't it? Did I just hear you say you're the... oldest agent?"
"One hundred and ten today!" Doctor Cornelius confirmed, his chest puffing up under his beard. "Well, probably today - this place is a nightmare for timelines, you know."
"You don't look a day over 90," the agent said with a smile. "But I don't think that makes you the oldest agent, I'm afraid."
"What?!" If the doctor had swelled up before, he now seemed fit to burst. "I haven't given my life to the PPC just so I can be dismissed by-"
"Nonono!" The agent threw up her hands. "No dismissing, promise! It's just that, well, there are agents quite a bit older than you."
"Nonsense," Doctor Cornelius puffed. "Why, I daresay you couldn't show me a single one!"
"Um." The agent tapped the arm of the taller woman next to her. "Selene? I think that's your cue."
The second agent put down her glass - which, Lorelei noted, was filled with a very red liquid - and turned. "Selene Morgana Lilith Perdita X Windflower," she said, nodding to the doctor. "I think what Kaitlyn wants me to say is that I'm nearly..." She stopped, glancing at said partner. "You're just going to correct me if I bend the truth, aren't you?"
"That's what I'm here for," Kaitlyn agreed, grinning.
"Fine." Selene pushed a lock of hair back from her face, her fingers brushing over the brasswork implanted there. "Then I'm a little over two hundred and fifty." She looked at the doctor's reddening face, glanced away. "Like you say, precise calculations are tricky around here."
"You think you have it bad?" A third woman (who, Lorelei noticed, had black hair just like Kaitlyn and Selene - she was starting to feel left out) ambled over. "I've spent half my life roaming around the time vortex, I can't even get my age to within a decade." She swung down into an empty chair and took a swig of her drink. "I've been 'about four hundred' since I joined the PPC."
Selene nodded to the newcomer. "Agent Morgan," she said. "My partner's... I think she's trying to make her new friend here feel young." She frowned slightly, pursing her lips. "Or she's just nitpicking. Hard to tell."
Morgan snorted. "If it's young you want, you should come visit the Continuity Council," she said. "Dis and the Agent won't tell me how old they actually are, but I know it's up around a thousand." Her lip twitched into a smile. "And Grey definitely should be twice that, even if she isn't."
"Oh, I think we can do better than that." Kaitlyn got to her feet, then clambered onto her chair and waved vigorously. "Hey! Huinesoron! You're needed!"
She slid back down into her seat and looked around at the others. "What? I needed him."
A tall elf (whose brown hair was so dark it was almost - sigh - black) wove his way between the tables towards them. "Kaitlyn," he said, a hint of wariness in his face. "I'm guessing you're not about to offer me a drink."
"Maybe in a minute," Kaitlyn said, grabbing his hand and pulling him over. "Doctor Cornelius, this is Huinesoron, from over in DOGA. He's just celebrated his two thousand, six hundred and twentieth birthday."
"That's not-" Huinesoron shook his head. "That's just an estimate," he assured the doctor, "and it's not actually my birthday-"
"Might be," Kaitlyn said stubbornly. "Anyway, I reckon that makes you older than anyone."
Huinesoron tilted his head to the side. "Gurnirel and Naergondir over in SIELU might be older," he said. "They were born before me, we're pretty sure, but I waited longer to join the Protectors, so..."
"And you can't say older than anyone," Morgan put in. "The Guardsman - over in Internal Affairs? - has definitely topped four thousand."
"There's a draeni in Bad Slash who's passed eight," Selene proffered. "And I think- Kaitlyn, what are you doing?"
Kaitlyn continued tapping at her communicator. "Oh, you know what I'm doing."
"... please don't." Selene's fingers rapped on the tabletop. "Come on, Kaitlyn, there's no need to-"
A portal opened between the tables, and a (yep) black-haired elf stepped out. "Priestess," he said, nodding to Kaitlyn. "Huinesoron. ... Selene."
"Dafydd." Selene looked steadfastly down at her drink. "Hi."
"Given that I've been summoned to a bar," Dafydd Illian said, looking around, "I'm going to assume 'dire emergency' is code for 'come have a drink."
"Well, you're welcome to," Kaitlyn said, "but there really is an emergency. We're arguing about who the oldest agent is."
Dafydd arched an eyebrow. "I'm not an agent any more."
"You still count." Kaitlyn flicked her fingers towards him. "Come on, I remember your speech to the Grey Lady. 'I was born two thousand years before the Sun rose, and have lived through six Ages of-'"
"I can't believe you still know that." Dafydd didn't quite wince. "It comes to 15,000 years, give or take." He glanced around the group, taking in Huinesoron (looking slightly awestruck), Morgan (slightly impressed), and Doctor Cornelius (slightly sick). "Do I win?"
<<Er...>>
A hazy form coalesced above the table, taking on roughly humanoid shape. It didn't really have enough detail to show hair colour, which at this point, Lorelei was happy to call a win. The group reacted with varying degrees of confusion, except for Morgan, who nodded politely, and Dafydd, who waved a greeting.
"Fëamintë," he said, smiling. "What brings you here?"
<<Your wife sent me,>> the Maia formerly known as Agent Vemi said. <<Something about running out on her?>>
"She said there was an emergency," Dafydd pointed out, gesturing at Kaitlyn. "I'd never turn down an opportunity like that."
<<She said something about chopping onions,>> Fëamintë noted. <<You should probably get back. But.>>
Dafydd looked abruptly wary. "But?"
<<But I was created ere Arda was sung,>> the Maia said softly, <<and walked with Oromë until we fought for the Children at Utumno.>> She held up one glowing hand, fingers outstretched. <<Time had little meaning in the ages of Lamps and Trees, but even by conservative estimate, that makes me over 44,000 Years of the Sun in age.>> She looked around the group, her eyes glowing with pale fire. <<I think that means I win.>>
Dafydd chewed on his lip, then sighed and nodded. Most of the others looked on in awe or confusion-
-except for Doctor Cornelius, who rose to his feet with a face like thunder. "You can't do this to me!" he declared. "I don't have to take this! I was the sixteenth agent, you know!"
It seems like the sort of thing that would happen in a bar somewhere in HQ.
(The bit at the end with the sixteenth agent was funny, as was just the increasing parade of old agents.)
For the record, Peregrin would like to slide in at the low end of that contest, at 24(8 or 9) (seeing as he was 242 when I got Permission)). The rest of my agents are all definitely not even in the running.
- Tomash
I'm having fun playing around with 'stuff that could only happen in HQ' as my theme; hopefully I can keep coming up with new ideas!
hS
It always amuses me to note that the Continuity Council is so young. I think I'm older than the lot of them combined.
-E
I do mostly blame you, though. ^_~
hS
There was a time when I was blaming you constantly for giving me ridiculous ideas, after all. I'm cool with it going both ways :P
~Z
Unless he means the oldest still around.
That was a fun read.
...And also really weird to know Ari might be the oldest listed agent on the wiki considering that she's young for a draenei. Prophet Velen is confirmed to be over 25,000 years old (since that's how long ago he took the draenei and fled their home planet) and was likely already fairly old before that happened, seeing as how he was one of the leaders of his people... Basically, lore is really iffy on how long exactly they can live, but a few times it's been thrown out that they're immortal barring accidents.
The longest-serving agent in the PPC is of course Makes-Things, followed by Osbert (who was the fourth agent; Elizabeth and Anya are both dead). Doctor Cornelius is, as he frequently reminds everyone, the sixteenth - which is respectable, but there's several still around from before him. He's older than all of them, though - he has at least 20 years on Osbert, for instance.
Now, whether he actually meant to claim to be oldest, age-wise, or whether he just slipped up (he's 110, after all) and refused to go back on it, is still entirely up for debate. ^_^
hS
Like how eighty would be old for a human but young for a Time Lord? (I'm not sure what species Doctor Cornelius is, so disregard if this is a silly idea.)
He certainly acts like an old codger, and there's not a lot of other agents who do.
Up till now I assumed he was human, but a 110 y.o. human running a library seems a bit of a statistical outlier. So maybe he's something else? Or maybe he's just very old.
hS
Now I wish I'd made Edward and Kat spend tens of thousands of years in an ancient time loop. Only problem with that: they'd die of old age within days of reaching the PPC. Which would spoil it a little.
I wouldn't be at all surprised, though, if there's someone from an ancient continuum hiding in the distant corridors of HQ who's been there for millions of years, so I wouldn't award a victory to anyone just yet...
The actual current oldest agent is still to play for. My quick Wiki trawl didn't turn up anyone older than Ix's Arinellya, but there's enough literal immortals - organic or machine - in the multiverse that I wouldn't be at all surprised if we had one.
Come to think of it, Agent Thoth is 'several thousand', which earns him second place on the current list (ahead of the Guardsman, but after Arinellya). Chliever is non-canon, but about the same age.
Who else? Mel, Endomiel, and Ril-gania are DMFF agents of undefined age, but may be as old as Middle-earth in their own story, so ~54,000. Not confirmed, though. Rashida is 2400+, putting her on a par with Huinesoron and Zing's Caliquendi.
Discounting Mel and her sisters (they're out-and-out Suvians, and definitely don't act like they've been around since the start of time), my top 10 list of confirmed oldest active agents is:
1 Arinyella: ~8000 years
2 Thoth: Probably 5000-10000.
3 Guardsman: 4156.
4&5 Gurnirel & Naergondir: ~2700.
6 Huinesoron: 2620.
7 Rashida: 2400
8&9 The Agent & The Disentangler: 1000+
10 The Notary: 682.
After that there's a lot of people in the 200-400 range, who'll be night-impossible to sort out. And to be honest, all of the 'generic elf' types are probably 3000-odd - there don't seem to have been many elves born in the Third Age. But for actual hard numbers, that's what I've got. :)
hS
He's at least 4000, since he was around for the Biblical Exodus; he probably edges into third place.
Bloomin' immortals.
hS
I have no idea how old Jenni is. ^_^; If you're only counting years spent incarnate (that I can account for), I'd guess she lands on the upper end of that 200-400 range? There are a few full, long lifetimes I'm aware of, and a much larger number of instances where she just showed up fully formed, hung around for a bit, and then presumably got bored finished what she was doing and left.
'Course, in her home universe, she's existed since the beginning of time, and we pick up with humanity around a medieval-to-renaissance level of development, so...
~Neshomeh
At this point, specifically - I'd think non-continuous lifetimes would mostly count if she can look back on all of them. If they're alternate versions that don't overlap with current-Jenni, I'm not sure they would.
'The beginning of time' is a tricky one. Is that 14 billion years (science)? 60,000 (Middle-earth)? 8000 (the Belgariad)? Whatever it is, it seems like she's probably close to the top, possibly at the top of 'oldest active agents'.
hS
I think it would make the most sense to only count time that can actually be contextualized with the physical reality of the world she (and her two brothers) are involved with, so we're looking more at geological time than cosmic time... and, actually, let's narrow it down further than that. I'm gonna go ahead and say, for the sake of argument, that the ability of the PTBs to conceptualize themselves as individuals has evolved more or less at the same rate as humanity's ability to conceptualize itself as a species, so we don't have to count all the time the PTBs spent as an amorphous, loosely defined "we" with no concern for or even perception of linear time. They've existed as distinct individual personalities with their own agendas concerning the material plane for (*checks Wikipedia*) something like 50,000 to 130,000 years.
I reckon Jenni's the middle child, so call her 90,000 years old? Ish?
~Neshomeh
...I never thought reading a discussion of agents' ages would make me feel *young*. 170-something, by the way. Age is a bit complicated, given the Time Agency, but we're talking a discrepancy of two to seven years, so it doesn't matter too much.
Still, this is...interesting. Especially on a day when I was feeling very old.
-J
Buddy, I’m a good two decades older than you. I’m practically cradle robbing at this point.
But hey, if you ever want to make an old lady feel young again, you know where to find me. ;)
~E
Or we could all quit breaking the fourth wall and pretend this never happened. That way no one needs to feel weird about it!
There are reasons I don't advertise that I'm older than dirt, Author. Quit getting me into trouble!
~Jenni
Hey there—Erica Ambrose. You could say Jacques and I have a history. I think I've seen you around FicPsych before.
It seems we have a friend in common. Or will have... the meta's still sorting itself out. Anyway, that's cool as long as you're not an Evil Ex or something.
Who're you seeing in FicPsych, since it's not me? The author wants to know, too.
... Speaking of... Hey! Typists! If this is gonna turn into a role-play, can we get a setting and maybe some quotation marks, please? Undefined white space gets old fast.
"Nice guy, and I mean that in the neutral sense of the term," Erica said, swirling the contents of her drink. "Doesn't mind me coming in and staring at the floor for half our sessions. Sometimes it takes a while to get things out, you know?" She grinned, a little wryly. "And I'm not an evil ex. Evil twin might be a more accurate description. Minus the evil part, I hope. Can you see the spinoff resemblance?"
((And it looks like we're in Rudi's!))
She settled herself in her seat at the bar as the familiar interior of Rudi's took shape around her. Whether or not Erica noticed, she wasn't sure, and it wasn't important. Now she could go back to forgetting about the fourth wall and getting on with normal things.
Well, as normal as things got in HQ.
As Erica talked, she nodded and sipped her butterbeer (the most alcoholic thing she usually drank). At the other woman's last words, she tilted her head.
"Now that you mention it, yeah," she said, meaning it quite literally. "So you're like—I don't know if you've heard of Agent Paddlebrains, but she was a genderbent Sirius Black. You're a genderbent Jack Harkness?"
"Kinda. Sorta. I guess." Erica twisted a strand of hair around her finger. "There are some other differences, too. I'm from some superhero game or other—my version of Rose could control plants. We had supervillains thrown in with the aliens. But yeah, I'm yet another Jack clone running around the multiverse."
"I'd ask if you want to talk about it, but I reckon I should leave that to Parwill." Jenni gave a sardonic smile. Resisting her hardwired urge to delve in and try to help was difficult, but over the years it had finally sunk in that interfering with someone else's patient was heavily frowned upon. "So, uh. How'd you meet Jacques? What was that like?"
Erica gave Jenni a wry smile. "We didn't realize who the other was when we met. He invited me back to his place—I'm sure you can imagine what happened next." Her smile widened. "Not that it's stopped us since, mind. Though half the time we're together we end up squabbling. Don't get me wrong, he's great, but he also makes me wish I could strangle him."
She thought but did not say, because it would make most people uncomfortable, that they definitely sounded like siblings. Instead, she said: "That'll happen when you're just alike enough for the differences to be really annoying. Funny how that works, isn't it? Like... like fics where they clearly know the canon, but they're messing it up in stupid ways anyway? Way more irritating than the ones that are just off-the-wall clueless, in my opinion."
"I mean, if you met yourself, you'd argue a lot, too, wouldn't you? I mean, if everyone is their own worst critic, and then you suddenly have that staring you in the face rather than staying in your head..." She shrugged and swirled her martini. "But then again, on the other hand, he gets me. Makes for a nice change."
((Yeah, if Jenni had said that out loud, Erica would have definitely choked on her drink... X'D))
Jenni sipped her drink a moment, thinking many things. For one, Powers forbid she should ever meet a clone or alternative version of herself. She wasn't sure it was even possible—what she was obliged to describe as other lives in other worlds had all happened to her, just under variant conditions. Currently, conditions allowed her to remember all of them, even the ones that explicitly had not happened to anyone else involved, and she could even put most of them in a linear order if pressed. The idea of a version of herself that was both her and yet also other was profoundly disturbing in a way that she hadn't expected. She just couldn't rationalize it for herself in the way that a strictly linear, strictly material being could.
"Well, Jacques is definitely not you," she declared, "nor vice versa, and neither of you is Jack Harkness. You're all your own people. Of that, you can be sure. For one thing, either of the boys would have been hitting on me by now." She gave Erica a teasing half-smile.
"Hey, there's a time and a place, and you seemed like you wouldn't have appreciated it," she said. She leaned in slightly, raising her eyebrows. "If you'd rather I hit on you, that can certainly be arranged."
"Well, what's not to appreciate?" A flick of her eyebrows confirmed that yes, she did mean it that way.
It briefly crossed her mind that, should this go forward, people might think she had some sort of collector fetish or something, but frankly, if people couldn't mind their own business and got the wrong idea because of it, they could go jump in a lake.
(( So this is featuring in the next Multiverse Monitor, then. {; P ))
Inside the FicPsych nurse's affairs with multiple Jack Harkness replacements—and the canon himself! (page 11)
Nurse Jennifer Robinson's sordid past is hardly a secret among those who follow the Monitor's reportings, but recently she has begun taking things to new heights. After allegedly kidnapping Captain Jack Harkness himself for a coffee date and a night of rough sex, the naughty nurse has gone on a collecting spree among HQ's Harkness look-alikes.
First there was none other than Jacques Bonnefoy (ESAS), a dashing man with a voice like an angel's. Formerly a Sue's object of desire, it seems he has found a new Sue upon which he can shower his affections. In an attempt to recreate her night with the canon himself, Robinson invited Bonnefoy on a coffee date as well. One can only speculate how their night ended, but the two were spotted leaving the café together, arm in arm and whispering excitedly. Rumors abound that they have already made plans for a second date. We can only hope Bonnefoy isn't the type to get jealous of himself, because Robinson wasn't done yet!
She was later spied talking to Erica Ambrose (ESAS), a relative newcomer to the roster of raunchy agents. While not a Harkness replacement per se, Ambrose is said to be an expy of the Time Agent, and indeed the two look nearly identical, right down to the cleft chin (which, while quite dashing on a man, is much less flattering on her). Not that this seemed to deter Robinson, who indeed initiated the flirting between the pair; a highly suspicious occurrence considering Ambrose's origins. Ambrose returned the advances eagerly, though, and the two have made plans to meet again.
Does Bonnefoy know Robinson is going behind his back to sleep with his female counterpart? Does he not care? It would not be out of character for him; as we reported in last month's issue, he and the changeling Dax (Crossovers) are infamous for hosting their inter-departmental orgies. Perhaps we will shortly be seeing Robinson get together with Bonnefoy and Ambrose at the same time, possibly even with the changeling wearing Harkness' face for good measure. After all, it's said that their old player created them with none other than Harkness in mind; if Robinson wanted to collect the 'full set', as they say, it's only a matter of time before she'll turn up for a visit to Crossovers.
CONGRATULATIONS!
The staff of the Multiverse Monitor have won a FREE TRIP to beautiful Lake Fuggoff! Transportation to this choice resort spot is included. Participants are responsible for their own return.*
For further details, please contact Travel Agent Goa Way at goaway.console.m1n6y0ur0wn64mn8u21n322.rc74k34h1k3.DO
*Tickets not available for purchase on-site.
(( That was perfect. {X D ... And no, an eventual 3- or 4-way would not surprise me in the least. >.> ))
Erica looked Jenni up and down and grinned. "I'm not seeing anything. Would you mind terribly if I appreciated you a little more? Actually—" She half-turned to the bar. "Can I buy you a drink?"
"I have the worst head for alcohol, but... I heard they got a supply of 1420 Shire beer in a couple weeks ago. I wouldn't say no to a canon delicacy like that, if they're not sold out by now." She glanced at Erica's glass. "What about you? May I return the favor?"
Erica slid a couple of pound coins across the bar as she spoke. "One of the side effects of my particular brand of immortality—I can't get drunk. Well... not for long, anyway. Certainly not for lack of trying. My healing factor just flushes it all out of my system."
"That... is so not the point."
She half-stood in her seat and flagged down the bartender. "Hey, Ren? Can we get two Uncle Elronds here? Thanks!"
"The point," she added to Erica, smiling, "is a nice gesture toward mutual conviviality. And this one is officially on me."
(( There is a surprising dearth of fictional beverages that aren't soda or beer and don't have stupid names. Therefore, I made up a sort of cross-continuum cocktail you could only get in the PPC. The Uncle Elrond is jasmine tea with a drop of miruvor [a bit expensive!], and will arrive in two to three minutes due to steeping time. ))
"In that case... thank you," she said. "Guess I've sort of forgotten just drinking for the sake of it."