Subject: It's better than a funeral amateur. (nm)
Author:
Posted on: 2019-01-17 23:53:00 UTC
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Micro-plug: "Inappropriate Salad", with Agents hS & Kaitlyn by
on 2019-01-16 14:10:00 UTC
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"Hey! When's your birthday?"
Agent Huinesoron yelped, his chair toppling backwards. Flinging out one arm, he caught at the edge of the table, giving himself just enough leverage to pivot the chair up onto one leg. He span, kicked down with both feet, and brought the seat back upright, facing the woman who had come up behind him.
Agent Kaitlyn gaped. "That... was seriously impressive, you know that?"
The elf scowled his best Noldorin scowl. "You can't just sneak up behind people!"
"Wait." Kaitlyn held up a hand. "I snuck up on you? What happened to 'you breathe so loud that they could shoot you in the dark'?"
"That requires me to not be eating." Huinesoron flicked one foot against the floor, setting the chair spinning once more, and landed back facing the table. He sighed softly, then gestured at the next seat along. "Please, sit."
Kaitlyn swung down into the chair and squirmed to get, if not comfortable, at least not in actual pain. "Thanks. So when is your birthday?"
Huinesoron shook his head slowly. "You interrupt my first proper meal in days to ask that? I don't-" He stopped, grimaced. "Please, clarify your reason for me."
"Well, at least you're trying," Kaitlyn murmured. "I see a friend eating a thoroughly miserable salad with a face like a... moping... face..." She waved a hand through the air. "Forget the simile. Point is, I figured no-one remembering your birthday would be the most tragic reason for that, so I wanted to check and make sure."
Huinesoron's brow was deeply furrowed. "I don't think I followed all of that."
Kaitlyn winked at him. "That's what you get for trying to work in a foreign language," she said. "So when's your birthday?"
The elf carefully refrained from rolling his eyes. "First of all," he said, "elves don't celebrate birthdays - we celebrate the day of your begetting." Kaitlyn opened her mouth, a malicious twinkle in her eyes, and he hurried on. "Secondly, I was born before the Moon or Sun first rose; we kept no count of the years in that time, nor is it simple to convert from days of the Sun to days of the Trees."
"Hmm." Kaitlyn mulled this over. "So you don't know when your birthday is?"
"I suppose not." Huinesoron picked up his fork, twirling it between his fingers. "I fully expect to be called away soon, so if you don't mind, I'll eat while we talk-"
"No!" Kaitlyn snatched the plate away with a look of disgust. "You can't eat this! It's way too depressing-looking."
Huinesoron examined his salad, which consisted in large part of slightly wilted lettuce. "I suppose," he allowed, "but have you seen the purported meat in this place? I'd rather my food didn't actively attack me."
"Who said anything about meat?" Kaitlyn asked, grinning. "Have you seen the mushrooms? I think there must be a hobbit working in the kitchens; I'll get them to whip you up a special birthday-sized portion."
The elf blinked. "But it's not my birthday."
"Nah-uh!" Kaitlyn swung an accusing finger towards him. "You don't know that, you just got through telling me you don't know that. So it might be."
"... fine." Huinesoron put down his fork and smiled politely at her. "So I'm familiar with mortal traditions - this means I get a present, yes?"
Kaitlyn sniffed and tossed her hair. "Only if one follows human customs," she said. "Myself, I much prefer to take the Hobbittest path in all things - which means you owe me a present." She smirked, held out her hand towards him. "Come on - don't be stingy, birthday boy; it only comes round once a year, after all!"
~
^_^
(Technically speaking, this should be considered a Driftwood side-story.)
hS -
I enjoyed that! by
on 2019-01-17 07:32:00 UTC
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Mainly because it contained Middle-earth references, of course. And because it was cute and fluffy.
And, just for fun, my (very inaccurate) estimate of Agent hS’s age (assuming he actually lived all those years and didn’t fall through a plot hole from Middle-earth)
I have absolutely no idea how long he spent in Valinor. Two thousand years? I take it he did leave Middle-earth, so:
The LOTR wiki says that the First Age was approximately 590 years long, which is at least better than my last estimate.
The appendices inform me that the Second Age was 3441 years long and the Third Age was 3021 years long.
This is where we get into the whole “how long is there between the end of the Third Age and the present” thing. I don’t have much of an idea, so I’m going to say fifteen thousand years.
So that gives me (hopefully my mental arithmetic works) 2000+590+3441+3021+15000= (oh, stuff it, I’ll use a calculator) 24052, which I’ll round to 24000 years
How did I do? Am I vaguely along the right lines? Probably not, but it’s good fun anyway. -
The Age of the Elf. by
on 2019-01-17 09:46:00 UTC
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(It's like the Age of the Dinosaurs: "Never before... has life on Earth... been this pretty.")
What you've got there is a pretty good estimate of Agent Dafydd's age: he lived through all of that stuff as Maglor. His age is actually going to be crucial to figuring out Agent Huinesoron's, so let's go over this piece by piece.
1/ How old were the Feanorian boys when the Trees died? Tolkien Gateway handily has a timeline of the Ages of the Trees, which tells us that Feanor was born in the adjusted Year of the Sun 11,201, and made the Silmarils in 13,894. Somewhere in that ~2600 years, his kids were born - but when?
There's several approaches to take here, but I'm going to take the simplest: Maedhros and Fingon were friends, which suggests they're about the same age. The timeline has Fingon's siblings born in 12,457 and 13,051, which suggests Fingon might have been born around 12,000.
That actually seems a bit early: Finarfin hadn't even gotten married at that point, and Finrod acts like a contemporary of at least the middle Feanorions. So perhaps we should assume Aredhel was a late birth, and take the spacing of Finarfin's children, who were all born in that same period. Dividing that up gives us ~150 years between children, placing Fingon and Maedhros in 12,300 (just after Finarfin's wedding), and Maglor in 12,450.
The Sun and Moon rose in 14,373, so your estimate of 2000 years in Valinor is spot on for Maglor.
2/ How long is there between the end of the Third Age and the present day? Tolkien estimated 6000 years (I wonder which Archbishop of Armagh he got that from... ^_~) so let's just accept that. That puts Dafydd's age at 15,000 years, but a different Third-Age-to-Now number would change that.
3/ Why do I keep going on about Dafydd? Because of the interesting fact that Agent Huinesoron had a friend who was friends with Maglor. That means they're about the same age; hS is probably a little younger, let's call it 1800 years before the Sun rose.
4/ What happened next? For 455 years, hS lived in the cities of Finrod Felagund. And then... he died. Yes, there's a story to that; it's in an upcoming mission.
(Running age: 1800+455 = 2255 years.)
How long did he stay dead? We know that Finrod was released from Mandos before the end of the First Age, and Glorfindel by the middle of the Second, but they were very special cases. There's no indication that anyone else got out by the end of the Third Age - which is when the last of the renegade Noldor returned, which would be a good time to reconsider things. So let's guess at ~100 of the Fourth Age for hS's release.
We don't count time while dead in his age (... obviously?), so he picks up at 2255. He pokes around in Valinor for a bit, indulging his interest in geology and archaeology - but those disciplines are kind of pointless when you can just ask the people who lived there - and the Power who made the rocks in the first place. How long could you handle that - 200 years maybe?
And then he steals a boat and leaves.
(That's not quite as bad as it sounds - hS is half-Teleri, so he had a hand in building said boat. In fact, let's add 50 years for that 'interest' to get him far enough for his plan to work.)
At age 2500, Huinesoron returns to Middle-earth. If we take Tolkien's figures, it's now ~3600 BC. Stonehenge has not yet been built, horses are on the verge of domestication in Russia, and what was once Middle-earth is about to enter the Bronze Age. It's about 400 years to the time of the Pharoahs.
Alternately, it's less than 130 years since the death of Eldarion of the Reunited Kingdom. Unless the New Shadow affair ended with the complete destruction of Numenorean civilisation, Minas Tirith should still be thriving. A quick speculation: maybe Gondor gets hit by a cataclysm around 350 years from now, wiping it from the map, and the survivors flee to northern Harad to become the First Dynasty of Egypt?
Anyway, that doesn't matter, for one simple reason: Huinesoron still uses Quenya as his preferred language. That's the act of someone whose most recent long residence was in Valinor, not someone who spent thousands of years watching mortal civilisation grow. I don't know how he wound up in HQ, but I estimate he did so within 100 years of landing on the Hither Shore.
Agent Huinesoron joined the PPC about 20 years ago (give or take 5). Adding everything together, his age comes to 2620. That makes him probably older than our Time Lords, but I wouldn't be surprised to find an older active agent among the non-human population of HQ.
hS -
See, the problem with this... by
on 2019-01-18 21:32:00 UTC
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...is that I'm not sure I ever figured out exact ages for my Calaquendi agents, and now I'm curious. I...*think* they're closer in age to Fëanor's kids than to Fëanor himself, but having never considered it, I don't actually know. To add to that, I don't even know for sure that they're the same age! It would make just as much sense for them to have an age gap!
Seems like an odd thing not to have figured out, in retrospect, but at least I/Lily did figure out roughly where they were when. That's something.
At any rate: in terms of age when in the PPC, they should be younger than Dafydd, whether or not they were born earlier, but possibly older than hS? They didn't die, but they also made it to the very end of the First Age and no further, IIRC. And that's the best I can do without taking a long look at both the timeline and my notes.
Still, of all the things not to know...
And, of course, happy birthday! To Neshomeh as well, should she happen to be reading this...May you have a wonderful year ahead!
~Z -
That only gives them... by
on 2019-01-20 13:27:00 UTC
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... an extra hundred years on hS in the First Age. He makes that back with his stuff in the Fourth, I think. So it does hinge on when they were born.
And there's other old agents, too! We have another copy of Maglor (Hawthorne), who comes from the First Age. It looks like Jacques is pre-2000-years-underground Jack Harkness, but don't we have other Harknesses? The Time Lords are all multiple hundreds, though I don't know that any have topped a thousand. And what about the seriously non-human agents? We have at least two dragons...
I feel like there's a definite fic in Doctor Cornelius going on about being the oldest agent, only to be hit with a long string of 'ahems' from this bunch. ^_^
hS -
We do have at least one Time Lord who fits the bill: by
on 2019-01-20 22:00:00 UTC
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The Guardsman. 4156 years old from a linear standpoint, not counting all the recursive timelines in the Time War.
I'm not sure how old the Agent and the Disentangler are (besides "old as balls"), but they were the only Time Lords who weren't visibly affected by the de-aging potion in "Gallifrey Shrinks"...
As for nonhuman agents, I have that one defunct draenei agent—Arinellya in Bad Slash—who I really need to brush off and give a fresh coat of paint to sometime. She's somewhere around 8000 years old but the exact number eludes her. -
That was cute! by
on 2019-01-16 23:50:00 UTC
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I still think Kaitlyn is one of my favorite agents you've created. She's just so lighthearted and bubbly.
now break her slowly with angst
Now I'm curious, though—even though Agent hS doesn't keep track of his age, what would be his ballpark estimate? -
Oh yeah, and: by
on 2019-01-16 21:42:00 UTC
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I guess I'm 33 today?
Which, as Agent Kaitlyn would certainly point out, is Hobbit coming-of-age. So it's apinthalf-pint of 1420 beer for everyone on me!
hS -
HOPP HOBB BIRTH TO YOU, hS! (nm) by
on 2019-01-18 19:44:00 UTC
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*slaps forehead* How did I not see that? by
on 2019-01-17 00:57:00 UTC
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In retrospect, duh!
... I always forget you're younger than me. Apparently I came of age without notice seven months ago. No beer for me, but if anyone wants to upgrade to a full pint, I'll belatedly chip in, and throw in some seed cake to boot. ^_^
Happy birthday!
~Neshomeh -
It comes in pints?! by
on 2019-01-17 10:47:00 UTC
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etc etc
(Which is actually evidence that 'coming of age' has nothing to do with drinking age - Pippin was only 28 or so during the Quest, and yet drank quite happily. Best guess, knowing Hobbits, is that it's the age you're allowed to sign contracts.)
If it helps, I always forget I'm younger than you, too. ^_~
hS -
Whaaaaaat? Happy birthday! (nm) by
on 2019-01-16 23:33:00 UTC
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Happy birthday, you ridiculous elf. by
on 2019-01-16 22:49:00 UTC
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Waiting patiently for my present.
--Kaitlyn, infinitely patient -
Awww. by
on 2019-01-16 15:51:00 UTC
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Hehe. Another instance of a self-appointed friend of a grouchy person ambushing him in the Cafeteria to give him some love whether he likes it or not. A fine tradition. I love it. And of course, Kaitlyn has her own unique approach to the situation. ^^
Yay for more Agent!hS, too! ... Did I tell you I started <a href="https://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Huinesoron(agent)">an article for him? I forgot about it for a while. >.>
~Neshomeh -
Now I want to know... by
on 2019-01-16 15:57:00 UTC
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... just how many previous examples there are?
It's an interesting quirk of my writings that there are very few simple friendships between my agents. Mostly they're either partners/ex-partners, or related in some way. (This is a knock-on effect from the time period I thought I needed to get every single one of them married off.) It's quite refreshing to get to just write Agents hS and Kaitlyn running into each other and being... friends.
Article! Thank you! I've been putting that off since forever, because I know it's going to be a nightmare to write. Maybe this will be the prompt to get me doing so. Thank you!
hS -
Well, just the one that I know of. by
on 2019-01-16 16:11:00 UTC
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And only because I wrote it. But it would be funny if there were more. {= )
... You know, I think it might be pretty common to set up one's characters for pairing off and/or (possibly) having kids? I don't know why, but I see it all the time, and even I seem to be doing it fairly consistently, though less formally. Either there are relationships or there are pointedly not relationships. Must be a human thing?
You're welcome!
~Neshomeh -
That... is an adorable story. by
on 2019-01-17 13:26:00 UTC
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I certainly hope it's a tradition. Though I assume part of the tradition is that a given writer can't do it more than once. (Otherwise, you understand, I will probably write a dozen more.)
Is it a human thing? I think it's probably a combination of two (well, three) things:
1/ A Human Thing. We've got a culture which places immense value on romantic relationships, to the point where people who aren't in one get asked why. They're seen as the end-state for your closest friendship, so when your writing consists of your characters getting to know each other, there's a tendency to slide that way.
2/ which actually probably comes first: writers in relationships teeeeend to have difficulty keeping their characters from falling into them as well. There've been a lot of couples in the PPC over the years, and some of them - Kaitlyn and I included - have written fairly prominent agents. It's not hard to imagine newer PPCers seeing at something that Should happen to their agents.
3/ which I think applies exclusively to me: some people just like making up family trees. ^_^
hS -
It's because we're all filthy gutterbrained monkeys. ^_^ (nm) by
on 2019-01-16 17:23:00 UTC
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Oh yeah. ^. ^ (nm) by
on 2019-01-17 00:58:00 UTC
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...How did you forget? :-P (nm) by
on 2019-01-17 02:20:00 UTC
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It's my fault. I really should drop by more often. ;) (nm) by
on 2019-01-17 03:35:00 UTC
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(( Wait, that's not the name I thought it was. Oops! )) (nm) by
on 2019-01-17 05:36:00 UTC
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((Too late! :P)) (nm) by
on 2019-01-17 09:09:00 UTC
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Speaking of which... by
on 2019-01-17 05:33:00 UTC
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Weren't we supposed to get coffee sometime? ;)
~Jenni -
Not that I know of, but... by
on 2019-01-17 09:09:00 UTC
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...I'm certainly not about to turn down an invitation like that! What do you say to tomorrow? ;P
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*dangit, author* by
on 2019-01-17 14:04:00 UTC
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... And that's how I got written up for egregious fraternizing with canon characters! Wanna get a jump on the No-Drool Videos with me? They're actually kind of fascinating. ^_^
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Sure, why not? by
on 2019-01-17 16:53:00 UTC
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This is turning out to be one of the most interesting dates I've had in a while!
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And then there was a ficlet. by
on 2019-01-17 19:22:00 UTC
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Surprisingly, getting into the department without being seen had been easy. Jenni had her suspicions about this, but seeing as it had been too late to back out gracefully from the word go, she surrendered to the moment. Why not? It wasn't like this was some sort of premeditated, lust-fueled plot to get into his pants. It was an accident. A happy, raunchy accident between two happy, raunchy people. No harm, no foul, right? And Jack was the British image of a cocky, handsome American fly-boy. He was fun.
Of course, the Powers That Be couldn't simply let them get away with it. Oh, no. Upon exiting Room B-9, slightly disheveled and grinning, they ran smack into Head Nurse Suzine.
Suzine narrowed her eyes in immediate suspicion. "Nurse Robinson...?"
"Uh-oh," said Jack. "Are we in trouble?"
Face frozen in its rictus, Jenni latched onto Jack's arm. "I found him!"
"What?" said Suzine.
"What?" laughed Jack.
"Jack, you naughty boy," Jenni said, shaking a finger at him. "You can't go wandering off like that! Come on, back to your room!"
"Um..." said Jack.
Suzine crossed her arms and didn't budge. "You... found him."
"Yes."
"In Section B."
"Yes."
"Wearing a cocktail dress."
"Totally random happenstance," said Jenni, wishing she'd gone with fewer sequins.
"Hey, I'm starting to feel a little sidelined here," said Jack.
Jenni made what she hoped came off as an apologetic grimace and not obvious guilt to both her date and her boss.
Suzine's skepticism was etched on her face like a stone carving. "Riiight. Captain Harkness, why don't you come along with me? I think there's an immediate release form with your name on it."
She made a curt gesture. Jenni let go of Jack's arm, and he, having the sense not to piss off someone who could get away with wearing those heels with that skirt, shrugged and went along.
"Nurse Robinson, I'll see you in the Kudzu's office in fifteen minutes," said the Head Nurse before turning away.
Jack looked over his shoulder, raised a hand with the thumb and pinky spread apart, and mouthed "Call me!"
Jenni waved. Once they'd rounded the corner, she slumped off to Section C and her impending doom.
About twenty minutes later, she stood in front of the Kudzu Vine with Suzine glaring at her from the side.
And you say this was a case of mistaken identity? said the Flower.
"Yes, Ma'am."
Why did you not say so and excuse yourself in the first place?
"Embarrassment and stupidity, Ma'am."
I see. And why did you not simply tell Nurse Suzine the truth right away?
"Panic, Ma'am."
The Kudzu rustled its many leaves, giving the impression of a disappointed sigh. I thought you were more mature than that, Nurse Robinson.
Suzine gave a cough that sounded suspiciously like "Yeah right."
Jenni pressed her lips together, but held her tongue.
Dear oh dear. What are we to do with you? Clearly No-Drool Videos will not be an effective remedy. Unless... If it were possible for a vine to smirk, the Kudzu was doing it. Perhaps, with your clear expertise in this area, you might be able to suggest some... improvements to the regimen?
Jenni winced. Ellipsis improvements. Dear oh dear indeed. "You want me to come up with something so awful it will put off the likes of myself? That... seems pretty cruel. To everyone else."
Oh, don't think of it like that. Consider it a public service. A small contribution on your behalf for the sake of a PPC free of wanton lusting. We will have to mount a plaque on the wall to honor your dedication. Won't that be nice?
Jenni went *wibble*.
Then that settles it. You're dismissed. I know you'll want to get to work right away.
"I hope it was worth it," said Suzine, who at least seemed somewhat taken aback herself.
Jenni muttered something incoherent and went to write her last will and testament.
Disclaimer: I don't know Jack's character especially well. I hope I managed not to throw him OOC in just a few lines of dialogue. ^_^;
~Neshomeh -
Case of mistaken identity, huh? ;) by
on 2019-01-18 17:19:00 UTC
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Sounds like a fun time all around, apart from the...consequences. What do you say we go for that coffee after all, and you tell me all about it? I'm a very good distraction from things like No-Drool Videos ;)
-J
((So that was a fun thread+ficlet :D glad I checked the Board! ~Z)) -
Unh. Yes, please. x.x by
on 2019-01-18 17:34:00 UTC
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At least this way my last memory before some poor agent justifiably murders me will be a good one!
~Also J
(( And yes, still interested in writing some sort of interlude sometime, with or without this having anything to do with it. ^_^ ~Neshomeh )) -
It's a date! by
on 2019-01-18 18:04:00 UTC
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Maybe you'd better swing by here, though--RC 5242. Just in case. I'd like to think most of FicPsych knows me well enough by now to recognize me, but given what just happened, it seems a better idea not to tempt fate...
-J
((Amazing! I'm absolutely still interested as well :) Let's talk ideas over email or whatever chat service we both use that's convenient? For me I think that's currently Discord, but I still have Gchat available for all I've barely been using it.And technically also AIM, but, uh. I haven't used *that* since I was talking to Araeph on it in 2013--oh *drat*, I forgot my own Boardaversery!~Z)) -
(( E-mail away! )) (nm) by
on 2019-01-19 02:42:00 UTC
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Bwahaha! by
on 2019-01-17 20:38:00 UTC
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That was excellent. Poor Jenni.
If Jack ever remembers, he is so looking her up in the future. :P -
They're both immortal, so... {= D (nm) by
on 2019-01-18 04:21:00 UTC
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It has been a long time... by
on 2019-01-17 20:36:00 UTC
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... since I saw someone go *wibble*.
This was fun. ^_^
hS -
I hereby dedicate this wibble to hS. {= ) (nm) by
on 2019-01-18 03:59:00 UTC
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Amusing trivia: by
on 2019-01-17 19:41:00 UTC
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As I hit "Post," I noticed the radio was playing that one sad, slow funeral processional. {X D
~Neshomeh -
It's better than a funeral amateur. (nm) by
on 2019-01-17 23:53:00 UTC
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It took me a minute to get that. Uuuuugh! {X D by
on 2019-01-18 04:19:00 UTC
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And, now that I'm home and can track it down, here's the piece I was talking about: Chopin's Funeral March.
~Neshomeh -
Its nice, and also very professional. (nm) by
on 2019-01-19 00:02:00 UTC
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