Subject: My thoughts.
Author:
Posted on: 2012-10-20 11:41:00 UTC
I love your Agents; they have a wonderful dynamic and a great description, and I'm delighted to see another Potterverse semi-fic blip recruit around. (For info on at least one of the others, check out Agent William Marshall.) Will Rose in particular has definitely caught my interest and I'd like to see more about him.
As for your Permission piece, I liked it as far as it went, but it's a very short piece - I think it could have done to be a little longer, maybe going into more depth about the situation after they recruited Will. I also noticed a few minor things your beta-reader didn't catch. For example:
"Hmm," the man looked thoughtful. should have been "Hmm." The man looked thoughtful. because a comma at the end of speech marks indicates that the speaker's next action will relate to having said something (i.e. spoke, murmured, yelled).
Then, with no warning whatsoever, he announced "I REALLY HOPE THAT THE VILLAIN DOESN’T COME OUT OF THE DARKNESS AND FIND US SOON, BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE OUR LIVES RATHER MISERABLE!"
Here, you missed out the comma before the opening speech mark (it should have gone after "announced").
And there are a few other very small errors here and there. I'd like to ask that you take another look, maybe get a secondary beta in (because two heads are always better than one). I would also love to see this piece expanded somewhat. It's a very short piece, so it's hard to get an idea of how you'll manage with longer ones.
So in my opinion, Permission temporarily denied, sad as I am to say it. Polish things up a bit and I'll be more than happy to take another look. I do hope you'll take my recommendations on board; your writing's very enjoyable, and I would like to see it become better.