Subject: Re: My thoughts.
Author:
Posted on: 2012-10-20 12:12:00 UTC
All right. I have to admit, grammar is not my forte and the piece is short, but of the stuff I have written right now, it's the only one that's finished without being horribly dark and/or depressing.
My procrastination has been beaten into submission and the butterflies that have nested in my stomach are sufficiently fluttering, so here it is. Any sort of comment or constructive criticism that you may have would be wonderful, so be as harsh as you like.
My Permission piece
Agent Bios
and the piece I wish to spork .
Thanks go to TheMadHatteress for being an awesome beta.
*Crosses fingers*
The two unnamed agents were fairly well characterized, which was one thing that I know is a problem with unnamed characters sometimes.
I noticed you had a lot of "as if" statements, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but something to be mindful of, because it affects your tone and your pacing without you realizing it. It makes statements less definite, and it can take the punch out of a paragraph.
However, if it were up to me, I'd hand you the internet and say go for it. Especially because skimming that sporkable fic is beginning to annoy me, less because of any specific errors than because the entire thing seems like it was barfed out at two a. m. without any respect for canon.
The unnamed agents are unnamed because... well... their only purpose is to bring Will to the PPC. Perhaps they'll do something else one day.
Until I read your comment, I really had no idea how often I was doing that, which is odd because I'm usually a stickler for not using the same word or phrase twice in close proximity with one another. I believe it was the result of wanting to describe ridiculous things as nonchalantly as possible.
Hmmm... yeah, I can see that, but using it more than occasionally, at least in third person omniscient dialogue, is something that I usually catch on to and am distracted by really quick. I figure an omniscient narrator can afford to give definite statements because they really do know what's going on.
I love your Agents; they have a wonderful dynamic and a great description, and I'm delighted to see another Potterverse semi-fic blip recruit around. (For info on at least one of the others, check out Agent William Marshall.) Will Rose in particular has definitely caught my interest and I'd like to see more about him.
As for your Permission piece, I liked it as far as it went, but it's a very short piece - I think it could have done to be a little longer, maybe going into more depth about the situation after they recruited Will. I also noticed a few minor things your beta-reader didn't catch. For example:
"Hmm," the man looked thoughtful. should have been "Hmm." The man looked thoughtful. because a comma at the end of speech marks indicates that the speaker's next action will relate to having said something (i.e. spoke, murmured, yelled).
Then, with no warning whatsoever, he announced "I REALLY HOPE THAT THE VILLAIN DOESN’T COME OUT OF THE DARKNESS AND FIND US SOON, BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE OUR LIVES RATHER MISERABLE!"
Here, you missed out the comma before the opening speech mark (it should have gone after "announced").
And there are a few other very small errors here and there. I'd like to ask that you take another look, maybe get a secondary beta in (because two heads are always better than one). I would also love to see this piece expanded somewhat. It's a very short piece, so it's hard to get an idea of how you'll manage with longer ones.
So in my opinion, Permission temporarily denied, sad as I am to say it. Polish things up a bit and I'll be more than happy to take another look. I do hope you'll take my recommendations on board; your writing's very enjoyable, and I would like to see it become better.
All right. I have to admit, grammar is not my forte and the piece is short, but of the stuff I have written right now, it's the only one that's finished without being horribly dark and/or depressing.
If you need another beta, I might be of use. You can drop the GDoc in my inbox (sur DOT nhm AT gmail DOT com). If I won't have any GDerps, that is.
Your Agents look okay, and I like the fic. The bit with that male Agent trying to invoke the Ironic Overpower to find the villain was fun. I don't have a Hat, but I like the pieces.