My only "complaint" is that it feels like we've picked up in the middle, and I'd love to read the beginning.
That would be because I did! I'm writing the beginning right now. Well, for a definition of 'right now' that includes mental scribbling. I take it I should start a list of people who want to read it, then...
- "She squinted at the pages before her, then scowled at the dim red balls of light floating at various points between the shelves and the black clouds visible through the high windows."
I think you mean she scowled at the balls of light between the shelves and then scowled at the clouds outside, but it took some work to get there for me. The construction "between the shelves and the black clouds" could put the floating balls somewhere between the library and the sky—not terribly useful for the people trying to read. {= )
Hmm. Yes, I do believe you are correct. Would "[...]between the shelves, and at the black clouds[...]" have worked better?
- "'And what would be the reason for their discomfort?' Eleanor asked absently, continuing to scan the pages and on the right-hand one."
Not sure where you were going with the description from "continuing." Maybe "continuing to scan the right-hand page"?
Oof, yes, looking at that again it looks a bit mangled. I was trying to explain that she'd been on the left-hand page before, and was now on the right-hand one, but was still at the same pair of pages.
- The dialogue between "There is a seat on this side as well, Valerie" and "That does not look natural."
There seem to be two conversations happening in parallel here, one about behavior and the other about the lake. This happens a lot in writing, but isn't how people usually talk—there isn't enough time. Given a choice of topics, a person will respond to the thing they feel is most pressing, and the other person responds to that, etc. Here, you could easily have them banter about each other's behavior for a few lines and then bring it back to the lake when Val leans over the book to see the illustrations.
Hmmm. I do rather like it, but it would be easy enough to shift the lake comments down a bit... I'm trying to search my brain for examples of myself doing that but as far as I remember I haven't in actual speech, so I shall concede the point.
I loved the descriptions of the weather once they got to the lake. I could really imagine how heavy and cold the rain is, and hear it crashing down, muffling the girls' words and making them shout.
YES! Hahaha! I was so hoping I managed to get across the sheer thundering, pounding, deafening force of the storm and oh, look, I apparently did! WHOOOOO! Awesome!
Also... heh. "Royally screwed." I do believe that is a pune, or play-on-words. *g*
A pun, milady? You accuse me of making a pun? -dramatic gasp, clutching of pearls- How dare you! :D Why yes, it was a pun. It was a terrible pun and I love it, and I'm glad you like it too.
- Lielac