While I don't have a good visual image of Peregrin or Taq, I do get a very clear sense of what they're like just from their dialogue and mannerisms. You might want to consider working in some descriptive details about them, in the next story if not this one. I know we tend to be gun-shy about descriptions after all the urple prose and costume porn we're subjected to, but some is good. {= )
Some technical things I caught:
> Taq said,“Hey, boss,
Missing space between the comma and open quote mark.
> charges.” Peregrin said quietly.
and
> her supposed parents.” he said.
Should be a comma after "charges" and after "parents".
> Once everyone looked younger and, in Taq’s case, more human, he pulled up the portal and stepped through into the fic, with Taq following closely behind him.
This sentence has a couple readability issues. I'd fix as follows:
>> Once both agents looked younger and, in Taq’s case, more human, Peregrin pulled up the portal and stepped through into the fic. Taq followed closely behind him.
"Everyone" --> "both agents" is more of a style choice, but I figured I'd throw it in while I was at it. {= P
And, the big one: when you're using smart quotes, it's kind and decent and good to make sure you have apostrophes where you need apostrophes, not open single-quote marks, which should only be used to open a quotation. Since you're using them so very much in Taq's dialogue, it's especially noticeable that lots of them are backwards. ^^; For an example that should show this clearly:
> Oh, ‘n ‘er dad’s Fawkes. ‘E got renamed too.
Should look like:
>> Oh, ’n ’er dad’s Fawkes. ’E got renamed, too.
(Plus a comma.) The benefit of this is that it will be more clear when you're actually starting a nested quotation, as in the following line:
> “‘M addin’ ‘changin’ hair color twice in one day’ to the list.”
>> “’M addin’ ‘changin’ hair color twice in one day’ to the list.”
On to random commentary!
> Nearby, a bread roll in a straw hat walked past the train on one leg and one arm.
Is that a RollFeet cameo? {= D Either that or I have no idea what's going on in that line. Actually, I don't know what's going on in that line either way, but if it's RollFeet I don't much mind.
> how Ron was letting his predigests influence him.
I mean, they say you are what you eat...
> Jason Mason
That is a perfectly normal given name and a perfectly normal surname. Technically, there's nothing wrong with it. It just sounds so silly that no one in their right mind would ever name a child that. {X D My best guess is that Draco is being a jerk, and/or that's what he really thinks Muggle names are like, having never interacted with any Muggles.
>Taq caught a glimpse of the Headmaster, winced, and looked away. “And I was just gettin’ to the big fight with Voldemort,” he grumbled as he put his book away.
>
>Taq’s comment startled Peregrin away from his work. “Hm?” he said, looking around in confusion. “Oh, yes, mission soon. Thank you for the reminder.”
Was that passage meant to feel like a bit of a time warp back to the beginning of the story?
... I feel like there was something else, but I don't recall. I will close by saying I particularly like the occasional lapses of Peregrin's speech. You don't leave out anything really important, you show his absent-mindedness, and you don't do it too often. That makes it fun. ^^
~Neshomeh