Subject: Re: mission
Author:
Posted on: 2019-08-05 13:25:00 UTC
I figured a long time ago that the PPC had adapted the Human Factor from Evil of the Daleks for use on Orc recruits.
Subject: Re: mission
Author:
Posted on: 2019-08-05 13:25:00 UTC
I figured a long time ago that the PPC had adapted the Human Factor from Evil of the Daleks for use on Orc recruits.
About eight years after I got Permission to write for the PPC, I've finally written a mission!
"The Heir of the Phoenix" (and also on GDocs), in which Peregrin and Taq deal with a phoenix princess Sue who replaces Hermione and is Fawkes's daughter.
Thank you to Calliope and Iximaz for betaing!
Feedback in very much appreciated, though I'm fine with "I liked it but can't think of much to say at the moment" and things like that as responses.
- Tomash
I liked it but can't think of much to say at the moment, not anything that hasn’t been said already anyway.
I noticed that you missed the last error spotted by doctorlit:
Peregrin, however, had quite forgotten what he had been doing what the console went off
Shouldn’t this be "when"?
HG
While I don't have a good visual image of Peregrin or Taq, I do get a very clear sense of what they're like just from their dialogue and mannerisms. You might want to consider working in some descriptive details about them, in the next story if not this one. I know we tend to be gun-shy about descriptions after all the urple prose and costume porn we're subjected to, but some is good. {= )
Some technical things I caught:
> Taq said,“Hey, boss,
Missing space between the comma and open quote mark.
> charges.” Peregrin said quietly.
and
> her supposed parents.” he said.
Should be a comma after "charges" and after "parents".
> Once everyone looked younger and, in Taq’s case, more human, he pulled up the portal and stepped through into the fic, with Taq following closely behind him.
This sentence has a couple readability issues. I'd fix as follows:
>> Once both agents looked younger and, in Taq’s case, more human, Peregrin pulled up the portal and stepped through into the fic. Taq followed closely behind him.
"Everyone" --> "both agents" is more of a style choice, but I figured I'd throw it in while I was at it. {= P
And, the big one: when you're using smart quotes, it's kind and decent and good to make sure you have apostrophes where you need apostrophes, not open single-quote marks, which should only be used to open a quotation. Since you're using them so very much in Taq's dialogue, it's especially noticeable that lots of them are backwards. ^^; For an example that should show this clearly:
> Oh, ‘n ‘er dad’s Fawkes. ‘E got renamed too.
Should look like:
>> Oh, ’n ’er dad’s Fawkes. ’E got renamed, too.
(Plus a comma.) The benefit of this is that it will be more clear when you're actually starting a nested quotation, as in the following line:
> “‘M addin’ ‘changin’ hair color twice in one day’ to the list.”
>> “’M addin’ ‘changin’ hair color twice in one day’ to the list.”
On to random commentary!
> Nearby, a bread roll in a straw hat walked past the train on one leg and one arm.
Is that a RollFeet cameo? {= D Either that or I have no idea what's going on in that line. Actually, I don't know what's going on in that line either way, but if it's RollFeet I don't much mind.
> how Ron was letting his predigests influence him.
I mean, they say you are what you eat...
> Jason Mason
That is a perfectly normal given name and a perfectly normal surname. Technically, there's nothing wrong with it. It just sounds so silly that no one in their right mind would ever name a child that. {X D My best guess is that Draco is being a jerk, and/or that's what he really thinks Muggle names are like, having never interacted with any Muggles.
>Taq caught a glimpse of the Headmaster, winced, and looked away. “And I was just gettin’ to the big fight with Voldemort,” he grumbled as he put his book away.
>
>Taq’s comment startled Peregrin away from his work. “Hm?” he said, looking around in confusion. “Oh, yes, mission soon. Thank you for the reminder.”
Was that passage meant to feel like a bit of a time warp back to the beginning of the story?
... I feel like there was something else, but I don't recall. I will close by saying I particularly like the occasional lapses of Peregrin's speech. You don't leave out anything really important, you show his absent-mindedness, and you don't do it too often. That makes it fun. ^^
~Neshomeh
Inadequate physical descriptions seems to be a known failure mode of mine. It's something I'll need to work on in the future.
Thank you for spotting the various typos. It looks like I definitely didn't fully eradicate my Programmer's Quoting, despite my best efforts.
Do you have thoughts on how to fix the smart quotes problem? I didn't even notice it was an issue until I zoomed way into the document and stared at my single quotes/apostrophes very carefully.
Re roll: that's the result of the Sue watching country side roll on pass her window. I'm willing to retroactively declare it a RollFeet cameo, since that would explain why Toey has been haunting this mission :)
Jason Mason got poked at since it's as you said, silly enough that no one would actually named their kid that and my beta readers were WTFing at it. Your interpretation of the situation is definitely also valid, though.
... I didn't plan on that feeling like a time warp back to the beginning, but I suppose I don't mind taking credit for accidentally being cleverer than planned.
I'm glad you liked it overall, and thank you for pointing out some issues I should keep an eye on in the future!
- Tomash
Oh, you've made an interesting pair of agents here. I like the presentation of an Orc who isn't animalistic and violent, and in fact, likes reading and learning. Considering Tolkien himself was uncomfortable with the "always chaotic evil" presentation of them in his own writing, I think this is a nice way to give the species overall a bit of an update. I also like the dynamic between your agents, with Taq inherently looking for a "lord" of sorts to follow, and Peregrin very clearly doing everything in his power to treat Taq as an equal. It's a different agent interaction than we tend to see, and it makes for fun planning moments throughout the mission, with both agents bringing something to the table. A very unique pair to read about, indeed!
And now welcome to your Very First doctorlit-lists-your-typos moment! Enjoy!
"Peregrin added them his list."
" . . . to his list."
"This lead to Fawke’s human form being controlled by puppet strings held by the mini-Aragog."
Actually, I'm not sure this one's wrong. While reading, I interpreted the mini doing the puppetry to be the already mentioned Fawks, but maybe Fawke was a new mini here? If you did mean to use Fawkes's real name here, though, it would be "Fawkes's" since it needs both the "s" from the name and the one to show possession.
"When he’d finished announcing Hermoine’s real heritage and who Fawkes was, said phoenix flew in and then transformed back to human."
"Then Peregrin went over to the Sue and, magining to aim correctly this time, revived her."
"Peregrin, however, had quite forgotten what he had been doing what the console went off, and didn’t have any good ideas at the moment, so he reverted to his usual pastime—wandering the halls until something came up."
—doctorlit, off to collect scorpions now
I figured a long time ago that the PPC had adapted the Human Factor from Evil of the Daleks for use on Orc recruits.
that the pile of "nature red in tooth and claw", aggressive self-interest, limited resources, violent tendencies, hate, and and so on that Melkor tossed onto orcs wasn't enough to de-people them completely, and that there's something there other than Always Chaotic Evil, because that's just not possible to do.
Sure, the PPC's got a bunch of work to do with orc recruits (if nothing else, there's some de-radicalization that needs doing to avoid excessive bar fights with elves), but there's still fundamentally someone there under the usual mook traits.
(Is this is a very Me interpretation of orcs? Heck yeah it is.)
- Tomash
elves are off the menu, boys!
That seems to be a trend among the people who've read this thing, and I hope to continue providing more of this isteresting dynamic , where it's coming from for both characters, and how it evolves over time in future work.
Thank you for catching more typos - there's always some that slip through, and they're tricky little things!
Good hunting! (on the scorpions)
- Tomash
Nice mission! I liked the character development of Taq here. I found a few typos here and there (Taq and Peregrin disguising themselves as "Hogwart" students, Ginny being Zilla's "best friend new," and Peregrin casting "Perfectus Totalis"), but the substance of the mission was full of all the funny gags we know and love. Well done!
Thanks for catching those typos - they've been fixed.
A lot of folks seem to like the character interactions, so I'm and it's nice to hear that I managed to get something funny out of the fic (I know I snarked at it a bunch).
Thanks for the encouragement and the feedback!
The reasoning in the fic makes as much sense as a Renegade Dalek Quidditch team*.
I wonder what sorts of intervals those hinges squeaked out. Would they even fit a 12-tone equal temperament scale? Probably not all of them.
* They are the ones that need special equipment just to elevate; c.f. Planet of the Daleks)
The sort of thing where there's probably a note the Words are going for but you can't quite tell because it's hurting your brain via your ears.
- Tomash