Subject: Permission granted!
Author:
Posted on: 2012-09-26 05:30:00 UTC

Neshomeh's Comments:

(Because, as Phobos reminded me, I haven't done anything Permission-y in a while.)

I agree that there's a bit of over-description going on in the sample, but that's about the only criticism I can come up with (though I did catch a missing period at the end of the second paragraph). To repeat a piece of advice I was myself given at one point, you don't have to spend time on small details such as the precise behavior of an earbud cord. This description isn't vital for the reader to understand the scene—if Caroline is listening to an iPod with earbuds, it's safe to assume there's a cord extending from one to the other, behaving as cords normally do—so all it really does is slow things down. More important are bigger things such as her style of dress, which I don't think you mentioned.

Again, though, that's pretty much all I've got. I like your agents, and although I worry a little about Caroline and I hope she'll eventually stand up for herself and stop taking Veralyn's BS, I can happily look forward to that kind of character development in the spin-off. I think you've got a solid foundation for their relationship, with strong characterization on both sides, and wherever you take it should make for an interesting ride.

I wonder what kind of temper-tantrum Veralyn will throw when she finds out about Regulation 5C (no pets on missions). And I'm kind of fascinated by the existence of another half-blind agent with facial scarring, but that's neither here nor there.

Phobos' Comments:

I second what Nesh said. When you start to write missions, make sure you tell your beta(s) to be on the lookout for that sort of thing.

On a personal note, Barid and Brightbeard are happy that they have someone to potentially take some of their workload. Also, Barid is a Tailor/Enchanter and Brightbeard is a Miner/Blacksmith. There may be some sort of arrangement that could be reached, and perhaps a market for everyone's goods could be established. Also, if you ever decide to do a Warcraft mission, feel free to use Voltarmi.

~Phobos and Neshomeh

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