Subject: An interlude, or two.
Posted on: 2020-02-09 21:41:32 UTC
Subject: An interlude, or two.
An interlude, or two. by
on 2020-02-09 21:41:32 UTC
Re: Interludes by
on 2020-02-18 16:07:46 UTC
I don't like reading RP backlogs in Doc form, so I kinda skimmed over "Homesick," but I did like "Clearing the Air." While I didn't read your second mission to avoid Miraculous spoileys, I found the dynamic between Liz and Avery to be unique and interesting, and I related to Avery when he was discussing his problems with Liz, as well as him choosing to make a confession about his problems to someone else before they became worse. I can't wait to see how things work going forward.
Thoughts on the interludes by
on 2020-02-15 06:28:38 UTC
It took me a second reading to work out what was going on with the epithets, but overall I like "Clearing the Air". The A/N an the end is on point. I'm interesting in seeing how this shows up in character development going forward.
As to "Homesick", it's a nice slice of life. Ideally, I'd like to see it continued to Eleanor's story, but it works fine as it. (Also, I think you've got a "minx" where you wanted "mini" in there)
Re: Thoughts by
on 2020-02-15 06:58:50 UTC
I stopped "Homesick" at the cleanest point I could, narrative-wise. The roleplay did go on after that, but there weren't any good stopping points and the scenario fizzled out rather than coming to a close.
The use of minx is entirely purposeful. Vulpix is a minx, so far as a male fox can be. (Or it's just Liz referring to him as such as a term of frustrated endearment.)
Re: interludes by
on 2020-02-11 02:39:45 UTC
“Clearing the Air”
I’m glad the agents finally got this out of the way! It sounds like things only would have gotten worse for Liz if she didn’t discover her perception was being affected, so it’s good that Avery realized what was happening early enough for Liz to start working on it. And yes, mature conversations are the way to go!
It looks like you need to work on punctuation within quotations a bit. Any time we’ve got a dialogue tag like “the character said” following a line in quotations, that tag gets treated as part of the same sentence. So the dialogue part should end in a comma rather than a period. For example, in the line:
“’I’ll get over myself eventually.’ She immediately said . . .”
. . . The period after “eventually” should be a comma, and “she” should get a lowercase “s.” So it would look like:
“’I’ll get over myself eventually,’ she immediately said . . .”
Here are more spots where I saw the same thing in “Clearing the Air”:
“’Huh.’ Liz said, looking puzzled, then oddly relieved.’
“’I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.’ Avery apologized, biting their lip.”
“’It’ll be fine.’ Liz repeated. ‘Now that I’m aware of it, I’ll be able to recognize when my brain is being unreasonable. Even with a perception filter.’ She added, when Avery looked . . .”
“’Seems like the natural thing to do.’ Liz said, shrugging . . .”
I won’t have much in the way of review for this, since it’s a roleplay, but I still like the presentation of a quiet moment between folks who aren’t even close. It feels nice and calm.
I’m also amused by the little gag with the capital-B “Bite!”
—doctorlit used Read! It’s super-effective!