Subject: Re: interludes
Posted on: 2020-02-11 02:39:45 UTC
“Clearing the Air”
I’m glad the agents finally got this out of the way! It sounds like things only would have gotten worse for Liz if she didn’t discover her perception was being affected, so it’s good that Avery realized what was happening early enough for Liz to start working on it. And yes, mature conversations are the way to go!
It looks like you need to work on punctuation within quotations a bit. Any time we’ve got a dialogue tag like “the character said” following a line in quotations, that tag gets treated as part of the same sentence. So the dialogue part should end in a comma rather than a period. For example, in the line:
“’I’ll get over myself eventually.’ She immediately said . . .”
. . . The period after “eventually” should be a comma, and “she” should get a lowercase “s.” So it would look like:
“’I’ll get over myself eventually,’ she immediately said . . .”
Here are more spots where I saw the same thing in “Clearing the Air”:
“’Huh.’ Liz said, looking puzzled, then oddly relieved.’
“’I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.’ Avery apologized, biting their lip.”
“’It’ll be fine.’ Liz repeated. ‘Now that I’m aware of it, I’ll be able to recognize when my brain is being unreasonable. Even with a perception filter.’ She added, when Avery looked . . .”
“’Seems like the natural thing to do.’ Liz said, shrugging . . .”
I won’t have much in the way of review for this, since it’s a roleplay, but I still like the presentation of a quiet moment between folks who aren’t even close. It feels nice and calm.
I’m also amused by the little gag with the capital-B “Bite!”
—doctorlit used Read! It’s super-effective!