Subject: Okay dokay, let's see.
Posted on: 2020-05-22 11:51:42 UTC

I recognise your name, and Zing seems to recognise you. I think that qualifies as community engagement.

I always start by reading the stories; it lets me form an image of the characters before you tell me what they should seem like. So:

Control prompt:

It's shocking to hear me say this, because I usually go the other way, but I think you might not have [i]enough[/i] narrative for the amount of dialogue. You're leaving a lot of questions unaddressed. Example: why does Ghost go on a hyper-specific tangent about curses, and what is up with Other Character's response to that - why does she think being scared of ghosts makes her 'that stupid', and what is Ghost reading into her tone? Why does he say 'you're not wrong' when, er, she's exactly right? And what was the familiar book?

Creative prompt:

This one hangs together much better (and is [i]hilarious[i]), but still has moments where I feel like you're hoping we can read your mind. If there's something you want to be sure your reader gets, you need to put it down on the page. As an example:

Ghost’s eyes widened as he took in the equipment in the wild-haired, wide-eyed agent’s hands.

A soft, ominous clanking made Ghost turn around. The very sight of it sent him screaming and running, leaving his instrument and heavy tome behind, as the murderous agent hurled a crossbow bolt after him.

What was the clanking behind him? What was the 'heavy tome'? Does 'hurled' imply that the agent didn't fire the crossbow? It's all just that little bit confusing.


Honestly, they look fine. :) I don't see anything to cause concern: you've described them clearly enough to work with, but not so extensively that you lock yourself in. I feel like Hedda has the words 'daughter of...' looming in her future. :)

Overall: some stuff to work on, but nothing deal-breaking. Permission Granted - have fun!


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