Yay! Now we both have Permission! throws confetti

throws confetti

I'm glad Neshomeh got here; I've been feeling a little guilty that I somehow responded to Kittyauthor's request on the same day (since when does same day turnaround happen??) but didn't have the time or energy to do yours as well, both on that day and since then. So, uh, a slight apology that you may or may not need? :)

Anyway: you did it! Hurray! Go forth and write :)

~Z

PS: They're five or so in the first prompt? That makes so much more sense. I liked the interaction well enough when I glanced through it, but without that bit of context it rang a bit strange, especially at the beginning. Childish 18-19 year olds do exist, but one generally doesn't set up playdates for them in the same way one does a small child, y'know? So I'm glad to have the age context now; it makes it all slot properly into place, and changes the last line from "they're going to fall into the PPC soon and be partner-buddies for a while!" to "aw, they're going to stay good friends as they grow up together!"

~Z, kind of sleepy and disclaiming the fact just in case, though I think it might be unnecessary.

(Ugh, I started writing a response to this and accidentally wiped it out. Starting over.)

I'll start by saying Permission Granted! The second prompt made me laugh, I like the characters together, and I've seen you around, so that's all good. The badfic looks suitably bad, too. Those run-on sentences, yikes! It reminds me of my own writing as a much younger person, tbh, but since the fic is five years old I'm not worried about it.

Now, I do have a sheaf of notes for you. Please don't be scared, most of the comments are minor things and a couple of them are good! {= )

Bios:

• Gamer's bio makes me raise my eyebrows. The first paragraph in particular has some pretty cliched stuff in it, and I don't see anything in the writing prompts to make me believe he deserves such over-the-top descriptions. He's a teenager from World One, not, like, Goku or something. Take it down a notch! Also, reading and tinkering with technology does not, sadly, guarantee intelligence. How does he tinker, exactly? Most kids tend to stop at the "taking things apart" step. Does Gamer build stuff? Does it work, or is it pretend stuff? (I'm reminded of my best friend at age six or so, who built a "satellite" in his closet out of Lego Technic pieces and other random bits of toys, with the goal of detecting alien life. We took it very seriously, but we were six, y'know? It was never going to actually work!) I like that you acknowledge that he's arrogant, though.

• Lilith's bio is more balanced, and I like that she's a foil to Gamer's tendency to be too full of himself. The line "eyes that seem to stare into your soul" is another big cliche, though. Watch out for stuff like that. Also, the combination of that with her excited smile sounds creepy! Is that what you intended?

• There's already a Response Center i, so I'm not sure you can get away with having a Response Center √-1, too. What about -i instead?

First prompt:

• I was extremely confused at first about why Gamer's parents were setting up an 18-year-old on a play date. It's possible that I wouldn't have been quite as confused if I'd read the story in the absence of the bios, but I still don't know how old the two kids are supposed to be. General writing advice: remember Person, Place, and Time (PPT). Make sure the reader can always identify who the characters are, what the setting is, and where in time they are, especially if it's the first scene or if the details change between scenes.

• Missing line break after the second paragraph.

• If you use American styling, periods and commas always go inside the quotation marks. “social interaction”. --> “social interaction.”

• I like the detail of Gamer being so unused to the outdoors that everything seems too bright.

• Returning to the concept of PPT, there's an issue with the T here. I'm not sure why the sun is setting right after they eat lunch. They've only been there a few hours, right? Since they packed lunch, they left home in the morning, right? Very confused.

• When using smart quotes, make sure your apostrophes are apostrophes, not opening single quotes. ‘bout --> ’bout

• I'm not sure what you mean by "he smiled a short reflection on the experience." I don't think a smile can create a short reflection. {= )

Second prompt:

• In general, I enjoyed this a lot. It was lighthearted and fun, and if I question the logistics a little bit, it's not so out there that I can't say to myself "It's the PPC, I should really just relax." ^_^

• I like that Gamer got smacked with the consequences of creating all those excess exclamation points.

• Missing line break before "The showerhead finally stopped."

• We have to talk about the conditional "were." See this page for more information, but in general, phrases like this: "as if it wasn’t connected" are written correctly as "as if it weren't connected." There are a few of these in this piece. (And the thing you called me on in my piece above is correct for the same reason. How red are your cheeks right now? ^_~ )

• Another American style issue: your em dashes should not have spaces on either side.

• "After you pranked me (stupid exclamation points...), I left the RC to send some water through the pipes and prank you." That parenthetical aside has no business being in that line of dialogue. Try saying the sentence out loud. Weird, isn't it? {= )

• The phrase is "you've got another think coming." (And the linked website is an excellent resource.)

And there you have it. In general, if you watch out for those over-the-top cliches, remember PPT, and have fun writing your characters, I think you're going to do just fine. ^_^

~Neshomeh