Subject: Catches Confetti (nm)
Author:
Posted on: 2020-06-10 12:59:02 UTC
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Two In One Day? Permission Request! by
on 2020-06-07 00:36:54 UTC
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Permission request
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Alright, I think it's time for me to do this. I've been working on this for a while, and I think it's done.
Here's my permission request. If you need me, I'll be passed out in the corner from trepidation. I'll answer in the morning, EDT
One day I'm going to stop forgetting things when nervous. The badfic I'm missioning will be The Child of the Moon: The Lightning Thief. It starts with Artemis leaving a baby in the wilderness to die. Her baby. Which she had via non consensual methods. By a mortal. Her baby, the Stu, has a Cute Animal Friend, a wolf pup named Luna. He inserts himself into canon events (But he knows about being a demigod, knows about Grover and Percy, and doesn't tell them.). Not to mention, he copies a few chapter titles, and poorly bases the other chapters on existing ones. And that (Minus the copied chapters) is just the prologue and first chapter. A definite badfic.
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Congrats by
on 2020-06-10 18:13:02 UTC
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Yay! Now we both have Permission! throws confetti
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Catches Confetti Again by
on 2020-06-11 00:19:32 UTC
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Woohoo! Life is good!
(Wow. I’m getting good at catching confetti.)
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Congrats!! by
on 2020-06-10 07:34:54 UTC
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throws confetti
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Catches Confetti (nm) by
on 2020-06-10 12:59:02 UTC
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Congrats! :) by
on 2020-06-10 05:38:54 UTC
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I'm glad Neshomeh got here; I've been feeling a little guilty that I somehow responded to Kittyauthor's request on the same day (since when does same day turnaround happen??) but didn't have the time or energy to do yours as well, both on that day and since then. So, uh, a slight apology that you may or may not need? :)
Anyway: you did it! Hurray! Go forth and write :)
~Z
PS: They're five or so in the first prompt? That makes so much more sense. I liked the interaction well enough when I glanced through it, but without that bit of context it rang a bit strange, especially at the beginning. Childish 18-19 year olds do exist, but one generally doesn't set up playdates for them in the same way one does a small child, y'know? So I'm glad to have the age context now; it makes it all slot properly into place, and changes the last line from "they're going to fall into the PPC soon and be partner-buddies for a while!" to "aw, they're going to stay good friends as they grow up together!"
~Z, kind of sleepy and disclaiming the fact just in case, though I think it might be unnecessary.
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Oh, It's Fine ^_^ by
on 2020-06-10 16:18:15 UTC
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It's not like I was dying inside as I worried about whether I'd get permission. All is well. Too bad I forgot to clarify the ages though. I'm just happy that a PG got to my request. It is now time for some WRITING
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Let's see... by
on 2020-06-10 00:01:16 UTC
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(Ugh, I started writing a response to this and accidentally wiped it out. Starting over.)
I'll start by saying Permission Granted! The second prompt made me laugh, I like the characters together, and I've seen you around, so that's all good. The badfic looks suitably bad, too. Those run-on sentences, yikes! It reminds me of my own writing as a much younger person, tbh, but since the fic is five years old I'm not worried about it.
Now, I do have a sheaf of notes for you. Please don't be scared, most of the comments are minor things and a couple of them are good! {= )
Bios:
Gamer's bio makes me raise my eyebrows. The first paragraph in particular has some pretty cliched stuff in it, and I don't see anything in the writing prompts to make me believe he deserves such over-the-top descriptions. He's a teenager from World One, not, like, Goku or something. Take it down a notch! Also, reading and tinkering with technology does not, sadly, guarantee intelligence. How does he tinker, exactly? Most kids tend to stop at the "taking things apart" step. Does Gamer build stuff? Does it work, or is it pretend stuff? (I'm reminded of my best friend at age six or so, who built a "satellite" in his closet out of Lego Technic pieces and other random bits of toys, with the goal of detecting alien life. We took it very seriously, but we were six, y'know? It was never going to actually work!) I like that you acknowledge that he's arrogant, though.
Lilith's bio is more balanced, and I like that she's a foil to Gamer's tendency to be too full of himself. The line "eyes that seem to stare into your soul" is another big cliche, though. Watch out for stuff like that. Also, the combination of that with her excited smile sounds creepy! Is that what you intended?
There's already a Response Center i, so I'm not sure you can get away with having a Response Center √-1, too. What about -i instead?
First prompt:
I was extremely confused at first about why Gamer's parents were setting up an 18-year-old on a play date. It's possible that I wouldn't have been quite as confused if I'd read the story in the absence of the bios, but I still don't know how old the two kids are supposed to be. General writing advice: remember Person, Place, and Time (PPT). Make sure the reader can always identify who the characters are, what the setting is, and where in time they are, especially if it's the first scene or if the details change between scenes.
Missing line break after the second paragraph.
If you use American styling, periods and commas always go inside the quotation marks. “social interaction”. --> “social interaction.”
I like the detail of Gamer being so unused to the outdoors that everything seems too bright.
Returning to the concept of PPT, there's an issue with the T here. I'm not sure why the sun is setting right after they eat lunch. They've only been there a few hours, right? Since they packed lunch, they left home in the morning, right? Very confused.
When using smart quotes, make sure your apostrophes are apostrophes, not opening single quotes. ‘bout --> ’bout
I'm not sure what you mean by "he smiled a short reflection on the experience." I don't think a smile can create a short reflection. {= )
Second prompt:
In general, I enjoyed this a lot. It was lighthearted and fun, and if I question the logistics a little bit, it's not so out there that I can't say to myself "It's the PPC, I should really just relax." ^_^
I like that Gamer got smacked with the consequences of creating all those excess exclamation points.
Missing line break before "The showerhead finally stopped."
We have to talk about the conditional "were." See this page for more information, but in general, phrases like this: "as if it wasn’t connected" are written correctly as "as if it weren't connected." There are a few of these in this piece. (And the thing you called me on in my piece above is correct for the same reason. How red are your cheeks right now? ^_~ )
Another American style issue: your em dashes should not have spaces on either side.
"After you pranked me (stupid exclamation points...), I left the RC to send some water through the pipes and prank you." That parenthetical aside has no business being in that line of dialogue. Try saying the sentence out loud. Weird, isn't it? {= )
The phrase is "you've got another think coming." (And the linked website is an excellent resource.)
And there you have it. In general, if you watch out for those over-the-top cliches, remember PPT, and have fun writing your characters, I think you're going to do just fine. ^_^
~Neshomeh
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Oh yeah! by
on 2020-06-10 01:53:44 UTC
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Wow, thanks! Huh, I thought I’d have more to say about how happy I am to have permission, but there’s not much. Uhh... thanks again?
Oh, you do not understand, Neshomeh. Gamer is Goku.
Okay, he’s not, and is not intended to be. I see your points. I was going for building functional machines. Cliches are to be exterminated. Also, who needs complex numbers when you have negative complex numbers?
Oh, darn! They were actually young children (about 5). I had a sentence pointing that out, but it sounded really weird so I removed it. Relocating the information must’ve slipped through editing...
Whenever I think I have a mastery of English grammar, it’s like concepts I’ve never heard of appear just to spite me. A “conditional ‘were’” has never been brought to my attention in my life.
For the record, I read this article about the think/thing thing that now I think I should have another think about. Thing is more used nowadays so I thought I could go with the more common version. Then again, if think is really right, I think I have another think coming about the think/thing thing that I think I’m confused about. Though I’m thinking that the think/thing thing I’m trying to confuse you with is just another thing that I think I should go with the older definition for.
Whew, that was a mouthful. This was really jumbled up and probably could be improved. But do I feel like doing that? No. I feel like celebrating! 🎉 🥳
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There's always another obscure grammar rule just around the corner. by
on 2020-06-10 03:00:33 UTC
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Trust me, that never stops happening. The second you're convinced you know everything is the second the Ironic Overpower is going to nail you. It helps to remember Muphry's Law and stay
paranoidhumble. {= )IMO, if one really, desperately wanted to "correct" the phrase "if you think that, you've got another think coming," one would write "if you think that, you've got another thought coming," but what fun is that? "Thing" just totally misses the point, though.
You may think some things like the thought of "think vs. thing" thing may not be things worth thinking about, but if you buy that, then I've got a bridge to sell you.
^_~
~Neshomeh