Subject: thank ye (nm)
Posted on: 2020-06-15 18:56:49 UTC
Subject: thank ye (nm)
First mission, I guess by
on 2020-06-15 00:24:24 UTC
After a few months of writing and beta stuff, I finally got it done. Yay, I guess?
Here we go, fingers crossed.
on 2020-06-21 01:57:35 UTC
- Ok, the "all quiet moments" line was funny
- You have a small error "small moue with" - probably want move
- As someone who's gone for archaic speech in a character, it's neat to see other people had the idea
- Not sure what happened in Jiwon's backstory, but it sounds like he might like some hugs
- Stupid fic is stupid
- Acknowledging reasonable elements of the fic is good
- The night vision bit is a good detail
- "desanitized" was a good bit. Heck, that entire segment was good
- Ow on the earthquake scene. Loud noises suck.
- That seemed like a pretty reasonable assassination method
- ... "not bad for a first mission". Yeah, that's a great start
Overall, that saw a nice mission, I like your agents (and the attention to detail on vaguely non-human folks) and you had a good number of funny moments.
You mentioned the mission being a bit long, and my recommendation there (and it may be off, having never played PvZ) is that you could've ended the mission a chapter or two earlier. However, since you had good jokes and weren't overquoting, it's not that big of a deal.
Looking forward to more!
Thank ye by
on 2020-06-21 18:12:59 UTC
Glad you liked it!
Comments though: "Moue" is kinda intentional, it's a sorta fun word. M o u e. Anyway, I didn't intentionally try to make Jiwon that sympathetic, but don't worry, backstory's nothing terrible. And yeah, I'll try to make any later missions a bit shorter.
But hey, thanks!
A Comment on “Moue” by
on 2020-06-21 12:32:26 UTC
Maybe OrangeFox meant move, but I’m not sure. I’m also not sure if you know, but moue is a word meaning “a pouting expression used to convey annoyance or distaste.” Just saying.
Re: mission by
on 2020-06-15 18:25:47 UTC
This is a good first mission. It showed off both agents' personalities in contrast with each other, and made use of their species' physical characteristics. (I'm amused to see an agent pair that both have to disguise themselves as humans in order to blend in on a mission!) I particularly like Agent Charlie, with their laid-back reactions of "cool" to stuff that most agents would be annoyed by.
A couple of suggestions: Not being familiar with Plants vs. Zombies, I wasn't sure what a "Chomper" was throughout most of the mission. I was thinking it was a zombie, since zombies are known for chomping, but then you named it as part of the plant faction near the end. I would advise either describing it a bit, or just stating that it's a plant early on. Also, since a lot of folks are offended by the term neurodivergent slur, I would warn in the opening notes that it's being quoted in the mission.
And a few mistakes:
"Jiwon lifted a leg out of the glitter river to look at his shoe. 'Do you think these will come off when we drop disguises?'”
"Uncountable" nouns like liquid get referred to with "this" instead of "these."
"Pulling a waterskin out from their bag, Charlie drank deeply, washing down the stomach acid in their mouth."
I may just be speaking for myself here, but I think most people would swish the water around their mouth and spit out the acid, rather than drink it back down.
And lastly, there are two sentences where Jiwon got Charlie's gender-neutral pronoun instead of his own:
"Jiwon blanched and ran a good distance back down the corridor, away from the smell. Charlie glanced down after them . . ."
“'It’s fine,' Jiwon grunted, rolling onto their back."
—doctorlit found it disorienting to read about a sunflower character who wasn't the Official
on 2020-06-15 19:03:25 UTC
Didn't catch most of the typos actually, so thanks!
Also, I didn't think too hard about the vomit thing, but yeah, changed it to feel a bit more natural, I hope.
I decided to cut out the slurred part, seeing as it didn't have much importance to the mission at all and one of my betas suggested cropping things down anyway.
Glad you liked it, though!
Re: mission by
on 2020-06-15 14:48:41 UTC
While I don't know a lot about Plants Vs Zombies, this was thoroughly enjoyable and easy to follow (not that the badfic was helping any with the latter). Charlie and Jiwon's dynamic is wonderful, and several of Charlie's lines made me laugh aloud.