Subject: Re: mission
Posted on: 2020-06-25 13:28:49 UTC
Okay, finally time for review! Also, I read in the backwards order, because the short one fit into my lunch break better, soooooooo
“What’s Behind the Projector?”
This was just a fun story, overall! There are so many interesting story ideas that can be explored outside of missions, and I really enjoyed this one. Using Swamp Thing’s swamp as the outside HQ location is especially fun, since it’s not a popular location. It also makes me intrigued about the Creature’s identity. Is she an escaped DC native from the same swamp . . . but then how did she know what RAs do . . . I can’t wait to see more of her!
So Shawn was created from the words “science lad” . . . is he actually stuck as a lad forever? I’m torn between feeling bad that he’ll never look like an adult . . . and furiously jealous that he gets to not age. That’s the dream. #goals
The scene that caught my mind the most was when Sasha was talking to Lindsey immediately after Steven and Wallis left. The world view of a child who grew up in HQ is something to ponder. It makes sense that she would have difficulty grasping the effects of the Ironic Overpower, since it’s such an abstract concept. She might need to experience it messing with her directly as she grows older to start to understand. Her viewpoint on Suvians is interesting too. We recognize Suvians as being Wrong from the things they do to canon worlds. But Sasha only knows the term from her parents talking about them; to her, Suvians are just another knd of people who exist. She won’t recognize the reality-bending danger they pose without, again, seeing some concrete evidence of how they can affect things.
“How Will I Clean My Fur?”
First, I want to say that you used the title cleverly, getting some of Wallis’s inner thoughts to us in a way that can’t be done through his dialogue, heh.
Euarghuh, I don’t want to say much about the actual badfic. I think you handled it about as well as can be expected, telling us just enough to understand the beast without letting it take over the story. I . . . could have done without the white liquid, but I understand it was a bit too important to ignore, story-wise. Thank you for establishing that it isn’t what it . . . should be? Let’s just move on.
I loved the gags where Nurse Joy mistook Wallis for a Pokémon, and Flanders being inside a plothole inside a Poké Ball. Perfect! And I also love that when everyone returns home, the married couple are too worried about the mess each has caused themself to notice the other mess in the room.
And now . . . I’m sure you’ve missed doctorlit’s patented lists of typos that he sticks in his reviews . . . well wait no longer, because here we go!
First, here are some that appear in both stories:
“A ball of fur burst from it's nest beneath the sofa . . .”
That’s a possessive, not “it is,” so it would be written “its.”
“Wallis moaned, stalking across to the console against the rooms far wall.”
This one is possessive, so “room’s.”
“’ I'll give Lindsey 'the talk' you get that sorted . . .”
These phrases run together. I would put a comma right after “talk,” so we readers break them up in our minds.
“Both Sasha and Steven locked eyes and in unisom they said ‘I can explain.’”
A comma goes after “said” before the dialogue. Also, “unison.”
Next, the ones from “What’s Behind the Projector?”
In the author’s note: “I just have the honor to play in it’s Sandbox”
Another non-possessive “its.”
“’ . . . one I’ll have to ask the flowers one day.’”
“’ Why do we always have to do everything the flowers tell us to?’”
Missed the capital “F” on “Flowers” here.
“. . . turning out every draw and table top . . .”
“Finally they arrived at a nondescript door identically to all the others . . .”
Since “door” is a noun, it gets the adjective “identical” rather than the adverb.
“. . . the automatic lightning flickering for a moment before finally coming on.”
And finally, the set from “How Will I Clean My Fur?”
“. . . Ned walked up to the wall, and ‘accidentally’ brushed his gentialita against it.”
I’m not typing the word out.
“. . . depositing them unceremoniously on the floor of the Simpson’s house.”
Since the house is occupied by all the Simpsons, it gets written “the Simpsons’ house” or “the Simpsons’s house.”
“It didn’t take long to Neurolise Nurse Joy . . .”
“. . . but after the flash of the Neuroliser he headed back in . . .”
“Vines and weeds laying across every available surface.”
This isn’t a complete sentence as-is, but you can change “laying” to “lay” to make it one.
—doctorlit is very excited to get more Meta stories!