Subject: Shut up moaning or we'll make you eat mac and cheese pizza again. (nm)
Author:
Posted on: 2020-07-15 14:08:50 UTC
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Plug: A PPC Agent's Guide to La Calédonie by
on 2020-07-06 14:12:44 UTC
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Some of you may remember that this time last year, Neshomeh posted to the Board asking for any details anyone had on the PPC city in New Caledonia. The thread got rather involved, and somewhere along the way I promised to update my distinctly shoddy Brief Guide to the city to match the new version.
Well, it's been precisely a year, but I've finally gotten my act together. I am very pleased to present the
TwentiethTwenty-First Anniversary edition of:A PPC Agent's Guide to La Calédonie
Featuring:
-A complete history of the city from a definitely trustworthy source who would never conceal anything.
-A whiny cartographer.
-Anti-advertising.
-Double... well, single-entendres.
-Secrets the Flowers don't want you to know!!!
-... and much, much more.
Also included is a link to Neshomeh's detailed Google Map, which includes details like the best local beaches (which may actually be mangrove swamps). On which note: if you know of anything which has come up in a story or RP, but has not made it onto the Map or into the Guide, please shout out! The Map is a constantly evolving process, and the Guide will be retconned if there are severe errors in it.
hS
(One pre-emptive thing: the Canon Nursery School is not interpreted as being in New Cal. It was shut down before the city was founded.)
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In regards to *certain* comments in the recent guide. by
on 2020-07-15 02:23:13 UTC
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Dear Publishers of the Guide to La Calédonie,
I would like to, on behalf of all Agents hailing from various versions of Italy, issue a formal complaint about a certain descriptor used in your recent guide. I am extremely insulted that you would choose to allow the phrase "Real American Pizza" to be recorded in print. The Neapolitans may be terrible football players who lose to Rome constantly, but even I will admit they make the only Pizza worthy of the term. I am highly tempted to come down there and give Agent Luxury a piece of my mind.
Aspetta. Questo è Agente Luxury. Lo prenderebbe come un invito.
Nevermind, I won't give her a piece of my mind.
Signed, Agent Alexander Hawke.
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Shut up moaning or we'll make you eat mac and cheese pizza again. (nm) by
on 2020-07-15 14:08:50 UTC
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When was that? (nm) by
on 2020-07-19 21:33:59 UTC
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The many times. (nm) by
on 2020-07-19 23:52:25 UTC
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It may interest you to know... by
on 2020-07-15 07:38:11 UTC
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... that 'Real' in that line was Neshomeh's addition.
I wrote 'proper'. XD
hS
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And I stand by it, too! by
on 2020-07-15 15:55:40 UTC
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Y'all, nobody can claim ownership of the concept of toppings on flatbread. Lots of cultures have that.
However, there would be no tomato products on flatbread if it weren't for America, seeing as tomatoes come from here, so there would be no real pizza without us. You lot ought to be grateful we let you have them and quit whining. {; P
~Neshomeh
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Continuity breach detected - manual repair required by
on 2020-07-15 02:39:40 UTC
Edited
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To: alhawke@rc369.dte-g
Internal monitoring has detected that your message with subject "In regards to certain comments in the recent guide." has been misdirected to an external service that is not vetted to contain references to the reality or internal workings of PPC (without approval).
Ordinarily, such breaches would be automatically repaired, but we have been unable to do so in this case.
Please remove your message, or edit it to remove mentions of the PPC. If necessary, clarify that the PPC is fictional or a weird joke
If you have trouble doing this, please contact continuity-support@dosat and reference incident #844119
**This is an automated message. Do not reply to this email. I can't check them.**
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*Che Cosa?* by
on 2020-07-15 02:50:04 UTC
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This isn't my email box. What's going on here? Ce'rana, did you do this?
I just know this is your fault somehow.
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(( A few hours later )) Interdimensional weirdness by
on 2020-07-15 05:09:00 UTC
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Hi Alex,
It looks like your complaints about the New Cal guide got onto some discussion board that's about the PPC. From what I can work out, Security's figured they're pretty harmless since they think we're fictional, but that stops working if Agents post there.
I'm still looking into how this could've happened, but, in the meantime, could you try and fix this? I can't get access to their systems.
If you remember, I'd also like to know how you sent that message in the first place.
Thanks,
--
Technician Tomash
DoSAT, he/him -
Everybody ignore all this. Nothing is happening here. (nm) by
on 2020-07-15 05:21:40 UTC
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Re: interdimesniosal weirdness by
on 2020-07-15 22:28:24 UTC
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To: alhawke@rc369.dte-g
Hey,
I just heard back from the Weeds, and they said there's not actually much to worry about, since everyone'll on that site will think you're a roleplayer. Apparently that's what happende before, and that this is just the first time our automation picked up on it like this. Perils of innovation, I guess.
Looks like we're all good.
- Tomash
From: bugtrack@dosat
To: [undisclosed recipients], alhawke@rc369.dte-g
Subject: [#844294] Email routing issue - internal communications being posted to Internet (World One)I was following up on continuity breach incident #844119, and it looks like some of my emails to the agent involved have been seeing the same routing issue.
It's also not clear that this has resolved. I just sent an all-clear message since this is all pretty harmless, per External Security, and I haven't seen if it's shown up yet, but these things might take a while to copy in.
The problems start with the message that ended up at https://www.plotprotectors.org/posts/161924. A traceroute is attached, in case that helps.
Attachment: [traceroute-plotprotectors-cic_1.log]
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Breaking my radio silence... by
on 2020-07-12 19:48:16 UTC
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To say that it is very likely that Agent Luxury received an angry visit from a certain agent she trained back in 2009. He want it clear that the use of the sentence "real American pizza" is an oxymoron because "real" and "pizza" can only be in the same sentence if "italian" is in the middle.
And no, he's still not interested in her. He's got a girlfriend now, by the way. One armed with a shapeshifting magical energy sword, so Lux should be really careful to not get both of them angry.
That aside, it was a really nice piece. New Caledonia is... just there most of the time in PPC lore, so it was nice to see it get some love.
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Oh, believe me... by
on 2020-07-13 10:15:53 UTC
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... that line was written with the explicit intent of winding up Italy and everyone who knows it. ^_^ If I could have found a way to also annoy both sides of the 'thin or thick' argument in America itself, it would have been perfect.
I actually had a work trip to Rome back before, y'know... [gestures vaguely at 2020], and had some Real Italian Pizza for a meal or two. It was indeed very different to what we mere mortals use the name for. :)
Thank you for popping in; it means a lot.
hS
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I have read by
on 2020-07-12 05:40:16 UTC
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This was a quite helpful and informative guide.
I particularly liked Luxury's bit, and Tia's writing style.
All the work you put into this is appreciated!
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Oh, Tia. by
on 2020-07-13 10:17:59 UTC
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Tia is sixteen, and my goal with her piece was to capture how a sixteen-year-old writes an essay. She's probably actually reading a bit younger than that, but I doubt the PPC schools spend too much time on essays, plus she's at least bilingual (possibly tri-, depending on whether she remembers Galactic Basic), so her word-use can be a little odd.
hS
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Could we worse by
on 2020-07-14 16:20:49 UTC
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It could've been Peregrin's writing style, which, from a century or so of habit, comes out at least partially looking like mathematical research no matter what he's going for.
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It's been loads of fun working on this. {= D by
on 2020-07-10 00:40:36 UTC
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I wasn't much interested in the PPC city back when it was just a random collection of cartoon skyscrapers that popped up out of nowhere and had the name of a place I'd never heard of and knew nothing about. Now that it's grown up into something that could more conceivably exist in the very cool real place that is New Caledonia, it's much more intriguing. As hS said in a post below, I would really love to visit! I'd even settle for the real-world bits. ^_^ Someday, if we're sufficiently not-broke and not in the middle of a pandemic...
But for now, this guide makes it feel just a little bit closer.
~Neshomeh
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Re: travel guide by
on 2020-07-09 13:49:33 UTC
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This if fun! I like that the New Caledonia city is becoming so fleshed out, even though I haven’t had reason to use it myself yet. It’s a great opportunity to tell different sorts of PPC stories, including ones set in the past, thanks to all the historical fleshing out you’ve done here.
I love the variety of voices you picked to use in this, and particularly enjoyed the shenanigans in Luxury’s and Leto’s portions, as well as all the plant-related expressions you used in Weed-37’s writing. I was very excited to “hear” from Undis again, too! I need to get around to burning those radio broadcasts to a CD at some point . . .
I didn’t get the reference Undis made that got redacted by Captain Dandy. Is that a preview for something you’re planning to write, or am I just failing in PPC knowledge?
—doctorlit, yearning for that bookstore
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Thanks! by
on 2020-07-09 14:26:26 UTC
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I've got to say, working through all of this has made me really wish I could go and visit. It's such a lovely city, other than, y'know, not existing. :D
Captain Dandy's censorship is because Undis was trying to point out the original map location of the door to HQ, and of the city itself. This is marked on the Google Map as "Mysterious Site", but exactly what it was in-universe is a mystery: it can't have been the Door, because Weed-37 tells us that the Door has always been in the farmlands. And there certainly can't have been a previous New Cal city on that steep mountain slope. But you can't help but feel there's something about that spot...
So yeah: nothing in the works, but it was an opportunity to add a bit of character and a bit of mystery, so I grabbed it with both fronds.
Hands. Because I am a bipedal mammal with limbs who doesn't photosynthesis at all. >_>
Weed-hS
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This is wonderful! by
on 2020-07-07 13:05:36 UTC
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I've got a small addition to propose that's been batted around in RP a while back: somewhere on one of the beaches (I never ended up specifying which) there's a sheltered cove with small cliffs along the water's edge. One of the cliffs has a sea cave in it; it's about the size of a small room and mostly full of ankle-deep water, but has a decent-sized dry shelf at the back. Someone's left a lantern on that dry shelf for visitors to use.
The cave doesn't have a name, and it's usually a pretty secluded place. It's a nice spot if, for whatever reason, you want some privacy on the beach, whether for a seaside tryst, an important conversation, or just a chance to relax.
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Question about beaches: by
on 2020-07-07 14:15:38 UTC
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You said 'one of the beaches (I never ended up specifying which)'. Has the RP scene been using the named bays in the area, or specifying them in some other way? I only stuck pins in Mueo, Nekoro, and Poya a few days ago, so if they need to move to account for what already exists I'm happy to do that. :)
hS
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They haven't been identified, I always ended up just saying "a beach" (nm) by
on 2020-07-07 20:10:11 UTC
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It sounds lovely! by
on 2020-07-07 14:13:31 UTC
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And like many lovely things, it is also difficult. ^_~
Okay. Forgive the patchwork map, but:
The three yellow icons are the local beaches: Mueo Bay, Nekoro Bay, and Poya Bay. Yellow and blue lines are paths down to them (yellow exist on OpenStreetMap, blue are plausible additions; 'blue' may be 'purple', forgive my colourblindness). Green thick lines are roughly the outlines of the mangrove swamps.
The two white loops are the best I can find for your cove. In the west, we have a hill right on the seashore, and right on Mueo Bay. There could plausibly be a cave in that hillside, which could plausibly be cliff-y. The downside is that the 'cove' is just the mouth of the Mueo, and is mangroves on most of the other sides.
In the east, there's a long stretch of what do appear to be cliffs running down the headland, and towards the top is a (semi-artificial, semi-open) cove-ish thing. It's not perfect (the geology really isn't right), but it's plausible.
My problem with that one is that it's 2 km down the beach! I mean, the beach itself is a good 12km from the city centre, so maybe that doesn't make much difference? I can tell you from experience that walking 2 km over sand and shingle would probably take closer to two hours than one, but if you're moving around in quicker ways, or don't mind the occasional temporal lacuna, I think this is your best bet.
The other problem is that walking to Poya Bay takes you right through the village of Nepou, whose people may want to use the beach too. Though... maybe those two problems solve themselves? If you're avoiding people, moving further down the beach is probably a good move.
It also allows for distinguishing the three beaches a bit more: Poya is the one with the cove, Nekoro is the one with the islands, and Mueo is the one with a decent-sized town (if you want to go shopping or whatnot). They all have their share of mangroves, mudflats, and sand.
Okay, I've convinced myself; I'll note the cove on the map. (We can always move it later if it's problematic.)
hS
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Hmm, if we're distinguishing the beaches more... by
on 2020-07-09 14:33:46 UTC
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... maybe it'd be worth adding a section on them to the guide? I don't mean to pile homework on you, just a thought.
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You say 'don't mean to'... by
on 2020-07-09 15:31:11 UTC
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... but then you go and suggest something that sounds really interesting. ^_~
I don't want to constrain people's creativity, so a full section on the beaches is probably a bad idea (especially since I don't know any of the stuff that's shown up in RPs!), but... oh, I know. ^_^
Beach, please! Agent Kayleigh Leonard, DBS
Um, hello? You can't just not talk about the beaches! Have you never been sunbathing, you weird radio person? Exasperated headshake! Looks like it's all up to me again.
Disappointed sigh - only I don't have time; got to run back to HQ for a mission. Oh, I know! The kids can handle it for me. Beam!
Muéo Bay Orville Leonard (age 9)
My best beach is Muéo because I like the walk down to it. You get to walk down the river (don't know its name) where the trees smell nice. Mummy says they smell of sandles but I think she's joking. Then I like to run around in the mud and climb the trees because Mummy says its okay to get messy if your having fun. The trees are called man-growves so I said the girls aren't alowed to climb them but then Jess hit me so now they are. Also you can go to Nepoui which is a town for muggles. They have chockolate sometimes. I like (and lik haha) chockolate.
Nekoro Bay Jess Leonard (age 9)
EW! Muéo is full of BITEY BUGS. Nekoro is the BEST BAY. You can go HOVVER-SPEEDBOAT-RACING because theres' NOONE THERE. You can play hide-an-seek for DAYS on the islands. And like Grimault has sand ALL THE WAY AROUND so you can just run as far as you want to get away from ANNOYYING BROTHERS. Also to get there there is an actural PATH with no mud.
Poya Bay Lindsey Leonard (age 9)
My favourite bay is Poya which is also called Porwi, and this is why I think it is the best. There is a road to get to it witch is the easiest way. There are cliffs to walk along which have nice trees. There is a beach under the cliffs which is long and sandy There is a cove where the water is warm and not rough. There is a cave in the cove which you can ecsplore. Because all the loud games are over in Nekoro Bay it is also peaceful. You can look over the bay and see the hills on the other side. That is why Poya Bay is my favourite bay.
Corrections and comments are all most welcome. :) This is pretty off-the-cuff, so there's probably a lot that could be improved.
(For those who think about these things: Lindsey, Jess, and Orville are all Kayleigh's natural children, were all born in 2011, and don't include any twins or triplets. She's never bothered to explain how she did that.)
hS
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Sorry for the late response, I've been sifting through a bunch of random projects by
on 2020-07-14 16:10:04 UTC
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Anywho, I really like that!
Just one thing occurred to me, though: if there are kids exploring the cave, and also people using the cave as private space, it'd proooooooobably be a good idea to have some kind of agreed-upon "stay out of the cave for a little bit" signal.
caves don't exactly have doorknobs to put socks onI'm open to ideas as to what the signal is; the only idea I really have myself is "another lantern by the entrance that you light if you want people to leave you alone maybe?" -
Of course you realize that's going to go wrong eventually. {= ) by
on 2020-07-15 00:16:14 UTC
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Scenario 1: The parents don't know about the signal and therefore can't warn the kids. The interesting cave is promptly explored.
Scenario 2: The parents do warn the kids, but don't tell them why. The interesting and mysterious cave is promptly explored.
Scenario 3: The parents tell the kids exactly why they're not to go exploring the cave if the lantern is lit. They probably listen—but their friends don't believe them. The interesting, mysterious, and forbidden cave that some kids are too chicken to explore is promptly explored.
Moral of the story: if you don't want to risk being intruded upon during private time, maybe don't have private time in a public place that anyone is free to wander into. {= )
~Neshomeh
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You forgot Scenario 4: by
on 2020-07-15 08:32:35 UTC
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Kayleigh is a troll and deliberately sends her three to be loud and annoying around the cave entrance whenever the lantern is lit. >:D
hS
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No system's ever perfect, of course! by
on 2020-07-16 12:41:26 UTC
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There's bound to be some intruders eventually, no matter what people try. Just figured something is better than nothing :)
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I can fit that in. by
on 2020-07-14 21:20:53 UTC
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To use your example: "There is a cave in the cove which you can ecsplore if the lantun is not lit." It's still quite vague, so I don't feel like I'm locking in something people might want to decide for themselves. It could, for example, simply mean 'if you can see someone's in there (because the light's on inside), stay out'.
... I have to ask, are people actually roleplaying smut on the chat, or is this just worldbuilding?
hS
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No one's been RPing smut in the chat by
on 2020-07-15 00:45:51 UTC
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There's been flirting here and there occasionally, but, well, we do have a rating, same as the Board.
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And an approximate visual reference. by
on 2020-07-07 18:03:26 UTC
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So I've put the cave on the northern tip of the cove, where the cliffs looked highest. This is roughly what it looks like:
(This is actually a different headland on the far side of Nepoui, which is why the landscape is completely different. But the geology is going to be similar.)
hS
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...So funny story. by
on 2020-07-06 15:13:12 UTC
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I opened the document and immediately saw the drawing you did of the village—which I've left half-digitised for, um. Oh god, years now? Oof. >.> Might have to finish that now that I've been reminded!
Excellent writeup (I loved the commentary by the agents :D) and I'll definitely be referring to this in the future.
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Oh, no worries! by
on 2020-07-07 08:07:47 UTC
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It's not even been a full year, somehow. Wait, does that mean the Gathering was last summer? That really doesn't sound right, but I promise it's true.
Anyway, I've got loads of projects that have sat idle for much longer than that. Don't fret about it. :)
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Out of curiousity, whose section did you enjoy the most? I had a lot of fun trying to write in different styles.
hS
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Favourite section? by
on 2020-07-08 23:56:04 UTC
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The dining entry, as done by Luxury! Not only did it supply the main sort of info stories (well, my stories, anyway) set in New Cal would use, but her gushing about the best date sites and best fig trees to [CENSORED] was a great read. XD
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Awesome! by
on 2020-07-09 13:29:48 UTC
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That was one of the sections that stalled me out the longest - it sat at about a sentence and a half for months - so I'm pleased to hear it was worthwhile! I admit that Ix and Lottie ran through my head while I was writing it. :)
That said, her idea about sneaking off-path in the Tparc Pterry? Yeah, that place is full of monkey-puzzle trees. Maybe certain Luxes who will go unnamed would be okay with that, but most people would rather stay away from the spiky things. Maybe go with the hotel; La Villa is nice (even if it's not officially named yet).
hS
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Lux, you went with the Tparc Pterry? D: by
on 2020-07-10 00:57:32 UTC
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I thought we liked the Arboretum best! I mean, you still have to check to make sure none of the plants are actually Plants, but I'm telling you people, under the klah trees is where it's at. Don't roll into the numbweed patch by mistake, though. It's exactly what it sounds like, and a real buzzkill. (Thank goodness they don't have any needlethorn bushes in there—they're also exactly what they sound like, and the needles can be launched like projectiles.)
(( I couldn't resist. ^_^ ~Neshomeh))