Yeesh. I mean, yeesh.
The opening was a bit slow, but it really picked up with the time crunching and the scramble to get everyone onto the bridge, and the further scramble inside HQ. I really appreciate the energy in that portion. (Or maybe I was just subconsciously grateful the smut was over?) And I understand the relatively slow start was necessary to explain the geography of the area so everyone could wind up in the same place. It was nice quick thinking on the agents’ parts to come up with stories to send all the different characters there, too.
Also, I love it when Luxury gets involved in these situations, because it shows that she has limits on what she considers acceptable.
May I list some errors?
First off, there are a few spots where you use periods in initials that we traditionally don’t use periods in because they’re used to often: RC, RA, and CAD. (Your use of D.O.R.K.S. is correct though.)
“Elena noticed her partner looking horrified, and remembered that Valka probably had noticed. It was something that would be hard to miss.”
I actually can’t tell what’s being talked about here from the context . . .
“The agents walked through the portal, but instead found themselves in the exact same place the next morning, and saw a knight Valka recognized as Kieran led four snipers upstairs.”
“lead” (the basic structure of the sentence is “she saw Kieran lead snipers upstairs”)
“Elena dragged Valka into the room and pushed the canons into it, before pulling her partner through. That portal simply led through a nearby wall, leaving the agents and canons alike a few feet in the air.”
“That portal” seems to come out of nowhere, since it’s never mentioned getting opened.
“There was no way for Astrid could plausibly be in an incest ship, but the absurd amount of description she was being given didn’t make sense . . .”
Either “no way Astrid could plausibly be” or “no way for Astrid to plausibly be”
“’Ika and Mist are still somewhere in Gallia, and Geoffrey and Lucia are either dead or hidden extremely well by this point.’”
“Ike”
“’They’re already dispatched a unit to execute you and your brother.’”
“They’ve”
“Sure enough, Makalov’s attempts to charge here only resulted in him getting himself trapped, and blocking the way for everyone else.”
I’m not 100% sure about this one, but I think you meant “charge her” instead of “charge here”?
“’Thou cannot be forgiven for the horrors of time thou hast brought, nor can the bizarra locations thou hast made!’”
“bizarre”
—doctorlit, yeeshing at this fic