Subject: Not a PG but... pt 2
Posted on: 2021-06-18 17:25:50 UTC
Right, now that I've not got pesky things like work to worry about...
Deirdre. Ooh a completely Original Character, last person I'm aware of that went for that instead of someone from an existing canon or World One was... well... me actually, so welcome to the club! (warning: there is no actual club). Personally, I'd like to see more information on her, in the history section we have a lot of information on Deneb V and while that information is nice and interesting it doesn't really gives us more of a feel for Deirdre as a person (I also have a few questions about the setting and Deirdre, but rather than make this bit even bigger than it is, they're at the bottom). The other bit that I am wary of is, despite the slight power creep that there has been (or there feels to have been) in PPC Agents over the years just how powerful is she? PPC Agents as a whole generally fall on the more normal side of the spectrum, the idea isn't for them to go in all guns blazing and be able to hold their own against the 'Sue, but to be able defeat the Sue through other means. So where does Deirdre fall on that spectrum? This was one of the things that I had to think about quite a lot when I was making one of my Original Characters an agent, just how powerful is their superpower (my character was from a story that had similairites with the X-men for reference) and how does that fit in with the general tone of missions in the PPC. I'm not saying you've got anything wrong, I'm just saying to think about it.
Rebecca. Not really got a problem with Rebecca, the only thing I might question is her age, which might be a year or two on the low side, but it's nothing massive.
The Prompt(s). So, I'm going to admit, I haven't read the full thing, because its a mission (even if the badfic is made up), and personally I don't know how I feel about a mission being used as a Prompt response in a Permission Request. From what I have read, I'd like to see more of Onions (and Thraindul I guess, seeing as it appears like he only exists to cause the trouble that causes Rebecca to leave her old RC as he's not mentioned after that) and there's a very big chunk of exposition deposited in the first paragraph that I'm not a hundred percent certain is necessary, you could probably get away with ending the sentence "...and messing with his Exosuit." and then picking straight back up with "All of this was only..." (which I think needs an 'in' between 'only' and 'her'). We don't really need to know the rest of it, we can pick up on most of it by what's being inferred. The other thing I would pick up on (because I'm guilty of doing it too) is making sure that you space properly for speech, so speech should be it's own seperate paragraph instead of all being lumped into one.
The Badfic. I'm not going to say it's not bad. But I don't know if it's missionable or not. It's on the short side for one, and for the second, I don't know what the Agents would be doing there. I think it might be something for the DIC but even then I'm not certain there's enough there for the mission to be enjoyable and worth it, so to speak.
I think there's a solid base here, and it's a good first effort for a Permission Request, but there are areas that could be improved.
P. S. The questions from earlier re: Deirdre and Deneb V. How did the humans that were on Deneb V get there? Why are they considered a separate species? How did they get Magic to learn in the first place? How do they speak English (or if they don't, how does Deirdre)? How is Aragorn Deirdre's lust object (is it from the time that she's been in the PPC, did the inhabitants of Deneb V get certain bits of culture and media from Earth or is it through some other means)?