Subject: To clarify
Author:
Posted on: 2021-06-20 21:47:05 UTC
It was that one flashback that left me thinking you had left the italics on in one spot
Subject: To clarify
Author:
Posted on: 2021-06-20 21:47:05 UTC
It was that one flashback that left me thinking you had left the italics on in one spot
Got the courage to reread, fiddle with, then post an interlude I've been (figuratively) sitting on for a while. It was written sometime in 2020 (judging by Discord DMs, it was written in December 2020), but I thought it was bad so I didn't publish it after the betaing.
So, uh, here it is. Hope you guys enjoy!
Even though it's short, I think you got a lot of Crow's personality across, as well as establishing her relationships with O'Ryan and Kitty. If I were one of the two, I would have wanted to ask a bit more of the specifics of Crow's transformation (aka, the danger level), but I suppose if none of the characters are worried, I won't be either!
Some typos?
"He smiled, reminded of the many times when a new student comes to the school and didn't know much, particularly Emily."
The verb tenses don't match here. I suspect you wanted "came" rather than "comes" since O'Ryan is thinking about his past?
"As usual, Marquis de Sod got to the point."
You missed the "the" before the Marquis's name.
—doctorlit almost pointed out that the joke dog Molly was referred to with a male pronoun, but then he realized that gender-specific names are meaningless anyway, and it's perfectly fine for a male character to be named Molly, plus maybe the dog got named before the owner knew the gender anyway, besides, it's just a made up dog in a joke, and maybe Crow just misspoke out of nervousness, and now it's just too much second-guessing altogether and doctorlit is abandoning the post now
Fixed the typos! Thanks, Doc!
-kA, who didn't refer to Molly as male on purpose and is going to play that off as Crow misspoke because they're nervous. Also, Crow would've said if there was any danger to O'Ryan about being a werewolf, which is why O'Ryan wasn't worried.
My main note was that I got a bit lost in the "new student" bit, and it seemed like there were excessive italics, but the story was understandable with that confusion. I also needed to give the "on his back trying to get up" line a re-read, since it was something of a garden path sentence for me.
Overall, I don't have particularly strong thoughts on this interlude, but I thought I should at least reply that I've read it.
I'm glad you read it and thank you for the feedback. I'll try and cut back on the italics in the future.
-kA, who is tired at the moment and can't thoroughly think, but will reply better once they can think.
It was that one flashback that left me thinking you had left the italics on in one spot
I did italics because I thought that was the way to do a flashback. Is there a different way to do that, besides not including it?
It just wasn't clear from context that this was a flashback until I'd reread things