Subject: This is much better! (Permission Conditionally Granted)
Posted on: 2021-10-02 19:56:37 UTC

I have but two moderate concerns and one minor one:

  1. These characters don't read as real-world humans to me, especially with Kaguya's tendency toward comedic misfortune. Switch their continuum of origin from World One to, e.g., the Big Eyes Small Mouth RPG system, though, and it's all perfectly fine. BESM even has the master-servant dynamic as a major feature of the game, IIRC. Note that this does not free said dynamic from being extremely cringey if not handled with due care and sensitivity.

    That said, I like the relationship between your characters as it appears here. The fact that Momoka chooses to work for the family out of a sense of obligation means she has agency in the decision, and it's not an unfamiliar trope to me. The fact that she shares interests with Kaguya as well as finding him attractive feels like a basis for a reasonably well-rounded relationship. (I wonder if he might have to learn not to take her for granted at some point, though, if she decides her obligation is fulfilled since she's not living with the family anymore, but supporting herself as an agent just like he is, and simply wants to be his friend... But I digress!)

  2. I worried that the SO came across a bit harsh, insisting that the agents take a punishment for something outside either of their control (more or less). The actual "punishment" seems like a good, pragmatic decision with the added benefit of comedy potential, though, so that's fine. If it was a deliberate attempt to set up a juxtaposition between expectations and reality, it wasn't clear, but definitely keep working that energy. If it wasn't deliberate, still keep that energy, but keep working on getting familiar with how the SO and other Flowers have been written by others.

  3. There are some SPaG issues scattered throughout the document, especially around punctuation with quotation marks. None of the mistakes are terrible, and this is a skill you (and your beta friend) will keep improving with practice, so I'm not too worried about it.

You are clearly very motivated and have put some effort into this, which is great. I still feel a little uncertain about how well you understand the PPC setting/mindset, but I don't want to discourage you—so, unless someone else has strong objections, I think I want to take a page out of hS's book here and say Permission Conditionally Granted. Go ahead and write your first mission, and let's see how that goes. I can't promise I'll be able to read it right away when the time comes, but I will try. {= )

~Neshomeh, borrowing company time for PG-ing.

(ETA: Noting the conditional status of this Permission in the subject line, because I felt some of you were cheering a bit too much to have actually read this post.)

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