Subject: Okay, here we go!
Posted on: 2021-10-11 18:27:36 UTC

Some thoughts as I read:

Oh, that opening line is great! Could be simplified for easier reading, but very good effect.

I appreciate the ridiculousness of Kaguya's "angry mode." I bet it's fun coming up with the silly things that happen around him. ^_^

Hm, charging for an image as a chapter header (as I read it) seems harsh. I think that's an appropriate place to have a picture. I guess the images are used in place of description later in the story, but in this first instance it isn't clear that's happening.

Urg, all those extra spaces around the punctuation marks in the fic's text. That is not a thing in English orthography. >.< The narration isn't suffering from run-on sentences, though; as you say later, all the short clauses and the repetition of words actually make it pretty choppy. Perhaps you meant "rambling narration"? Similar concept, easily confused.

I agree with hS's critique of the floating scene. As readers, we naturally trace lines of cause and effect from one sentence to the next, one paragraph to the next, so the description of the agents floating followed by Kaguya observing the extra spaces leads us to believe that he's remarking on it because he's realized that's why they are floating. That's why it's confusing when your narrator then tells us neither agent understands what's going on. (Also, I don't know why Kaguya is yelling at Momoka, since she didn't even say anything—and he must be yelling at her, because there's no one else he ought to be talking to.)

I don't blame the formless narrator for not wanting to describe the two characters turned into rooms. Oh dear. {X D

"as his eyes were glued on the Words" - You know, you're going to have to be careful using figurative language around Kaguya. I have no reason other than the thin shreds of my own sanity not to think his eyeballs are somehow literally stuck to the Words right now. Even though the Words don't even have a physical form (unless the agents brought a print-out, which I don't think they did).

I tried to Google monaka to figure out a) what it is, and b) why a dessert would have anything to do with divine retribution (per Momoka's interpretation of Kaguya's ranting). Instead I found out it's also the name of a Dragon Ball Super character. I was trying not to complain about using unfamiliar non-English words without explaining them, but I am now more confused than when I started.

"MUSCULAR MALES NAKED !" made me laugh. Can't fault Momoka's reaction, either. {= )

"lethargically raged" - Is this a badfic quote you forgot to color-code? Either way, I'd recommend expanding on exactly how the bad descriptions manifest in the characters' activities. What does "lethargic rage" look like in action?

Typo: "was lead by Sue-poster" should be "was led by Sue-poster."

"putting a non-sword on the team"; "turning the two naginata into walking posters" - Hold up, are "sword" and "naginata" terms for something besides literal swords in this world? It would help for that to be explained early on, and possibly for those terms to be set off by capital letters. When the Sue was described as going to "live with the sword" at the beginning, I thought it was just weird writing meaning she was going to get a magical and/or speshul weapon she'd have to learn about.

Does "BGM" stand for background music? If so, it's redundant to say Momoka thought she could hear it playing "in the background."

They just crumple the Sue-poster up? Ah, poetic justice for failure to use written descriptions. I love it. ^_^

"One portal cracked open, two agents out of the badfic for good." - There's a verb or something missing here. Perhaps "One portal cracked open; two agents [went out of / left] the badfic for good"? Note also that you should use a semicolon, not a comma, if you want to join two independent clauses like this. You could also use the conjunction "and" instead of a semicolon.

You told hS that Momoka is not bothered by Kaguya teasing her about struggling as a chibi, but you also describe that "She puffed her cheeks out in brief annoyance," which shows us she is bothered. Remember, the reader naturally draws connections between one line and the next like this. If you want us to see that it doesn't bother her, show us that she responds with a smile, or rolls her eyes, or something like that instead.

And that's the mission! Overall, it was fun. I like Kaguya's oblivious goofiness and Momoka's quiet competence, and I look forward to the moment Kaguya realizes how much of a dork he actually is. I understand that Momoka sees him through rose-tinted glasses, but I beg the formless narrator to remember that the fact that he can speak a language well and look cool at the climax does not negate the fact that he was ridiculous the whole rest of the time. This is not a bad thing! It's funny for a guy like that to take himself too seriously as long as he gets called out on it one way or another. {= )

I made some notes about punctuation and quotation marks, but there weren't that many mistakes, and this post is long enough already, so I'll put them in a separate post.

My critiques are mostly minor, technical ones that will absolutely improve with practice. Therefore, I agree with hS, and I hereby declare Permission Granted! Congratulations!


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