Subject: re: mission
Posted on: 2021-11-19 14:36:22 UTC

I've never heard of Onmyōji, but I think you did a good job of explaining through the narration and agents' dialogue how far from canon this fic got. I can see what the author was going for, basically a trans-dimensional snatching to take Ichimokuren out of the video game, but using the in-universe term "human dimension" makes it pretty confusing. It is nice to see zookeepers show up in a fic for once, although wow do they seem to have a lot of time to chat at work! I'm a little sad that Uminari's keeper identity got erased by the reality room, but oh well.

As a general note about your spin-off, I like that you use the actual fic's chapter titles as dividers. It reinforces the feeling that the agents are actually in a story, and that they're more at its mercy than they are within their own narrative.

There were a few sentences I noticed where you had dialogue end with a period when leading into a dialogue tag. A comma should be used there instead. these are the ones I caught:

"'Kaguya-sama, I think I am about to barf.' Momoka added weakly."

"'We will explain later.' the man said to him."

"'Many warm greetings to you.' said Kaguya as though . . ."

"'Everything is fine.' said Kaguya."

—doctorlit, about to go zookeeper within the hour

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