Subject: Good mission!
Author:
Posted on: 2021-11-27 23:50:31 UTC
I like seeing Kaguya interact more in the mission.
Also, 20 mousetraps is an awful prank.
~Ozzielot
- New mission + ✨adoptable rescuee✨ (read post for details) by on 2021-11-16 16:26:11 UTC Writing Reply
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New mission, part 1 by
on 2021-11-28 14:29:17 UTC
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Looks like the agents' journey is getting longer than expected. The badfic contains a fair amount of objectionable content, so beware.
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Just FYI... by
on 2021-12-02 13:15:41 UTC
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If you publish a new mission, you're allowed to make a new thread even if the old one hasn't dropped off yet. I'd recommend this as if you publish multiple missions on the same thread things can get confusing.
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re: mission part one by
on 2021-11-28 17:31:58 UTC
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Oh, intriguing! I like seeing the anger mode being used for plot instead of just a joke. And I'm curious about this new . . . Sue hunter? Whoever they turn out to be. Looking forward to part two.
One grammar nitpick: in the sentence
"The Bag of Holding at her side was nowhere to be found, and so was Kaguya."
It's a quirk of English, but since the trait that the bag and Kaguya share is absence, the "so" kind of switches into a "negative form," and becomes "and neither was Kaguya."—doctorlit
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Good mission! by
on 2021-11-27 23:50:31 UTC
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I like seeing Kaguya interact more in the mission.
Also, 20 mousetraps is an awful prank.
~Ozzielot
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Love this mission and its interlude! Very cool! by
on 2021-11-25 17:57:29 UTC
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Your sense of humor is very unique, as is your writing style. The fact that you went the extra mile with mouseover explanations and a theme for the blog is very good. Can't wait for more!
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2nd interlude by
on 2021-11-22 14:29:13 UTC
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The result of a plot bunny: a snippet of 'guya's hotel experiences in the past. Momo does not appear, though I also have plans for a solo interlude for her. Featuring the debut of a very special character.
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Yikes. Blacklist 10 in the above story and in this post! by
on 2021-11-23 01:54:01 UTC
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And you should really warn for that when you post. (Blacklist 10 being grooming underage characters for adult activities.) Not everyone can engage with that topic safely. I hate that that's based on an actual anecdote . . .
So yeah, not much else to say. The explanation of tea names in the mouseover is interesting, and I'm glad Kaguya's father was their to protect him.
Also, a couple spots where periods should be commas:
"'. . . if they wish to request room service from his son.' Takeo said calmly . . ."
"'. . . complained they weren't served fast enough.' said Takeo."—doctorlit
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😅 whoops, sorry about that by
on 2021-11-23 02:42:09 UTC
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Normally each post has "warning" tags if it has sensitive issues. Fixed now 😊 However, I'd argue this is harassment rather than grooming.
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re: mission by
on 2021-11-19 14:36:22 UTC
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I've never heard of Onmyōji, but I think you did a good job of explaining through the narration and agents' dialogue how far from canon this fic got. I can see what the author was going for, basically a trans-dimensional snatching to take Ichimokuren out of the video game, but using the in-universe term "human dimension" makes it pretty confusing. It is nice to see zookeepers show up in a fic for once, although wow do they seem to have a lot of time to chat at work! I'm a little sad that Uminari's keeper identity got erased by the reality room, but oh well.
As a general note about your spin-off, I like that you use the actual fic's chapter titles as dividers. It reinforces the feeling that the agents are actually in a story, and that they're more at its mercy than they are within their own narrative.
There were a few sentences I noticed where you had dialogue end with a period when leading into a dialogue tag. A comma should be used there instead. these are the ones I caught:
"'Kaguya-sama, I think I am about to barf.' Momoka added weakly."
"'We will explain later.' the man said to him."
"'Many warm greetings to you.' said Kaguya as though . . ."
"'Everything is fine.' said Kaguya."
—doctorlit, about to go zookeeper within the hour
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Ōtsu no Uminari sounds entertaining. by
on 2021-11-17 11:31:21 UTC
Edited
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I don't think I have the cultural competence to adopt him but I would be curious about his interactions with, say, a Chinese cultivator. (ETA because I meant to say this earlier and utterly forgot to: his inadvertent equating HQ with hell is hilarious
and very true.)That being said, interesting mission. Nella sounds like a pain with her horrid pranks. You do a nice job of sparing us most of the gory details, but I think I'd like to see a bit more Kaguya and Momoka interacting with each other rather than just complaining at the fic. It might help set the scene for bigger character arcs and trajectories throughout these missions, if that's something you're interested in doing. Based off of the ending scene in Medical, you've got an arc going for Momoka's worries about being helpless on a mission, so I look forward to seeing how she handles it and whether or not that does eventually equate to a change in her current dynamic with Kaguya.
(Another ETA I keep meaning to ask: since your characters are Japanese, what are their opinions regarding the Inconvenience Store? :'D)
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Thanks for the comment 😉 by
on 2021-11-17 12:14:36 UTC
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TBH, I actually had Liu Siyuan in mind when I wrote Uminari; I noticed Mr. Liu doesn't have a partner, so part of Uminari's characterization is based on what I thought would make a good partner for him. I understand if you don't want to adopt him though 😊
Well, I have planned character development for the agents, 'guya specifically, plus a nice surprise for them, but for the sake of not spoiling anything, I'll only say as much.
They'll probably end up liking the store 🤣 Oh wait, you've given me a nifty interlude idea. Thanks a whole hog for that, BTW 😉
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Well, if you hold onto him, by
on 2021-11-17 15:21:21 UTC
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then if there does come need for some sort of cowritten thing between us, we'll have a set ready to go. Looking forward to seeing the Incovenience Store shenanigans!
On another worldbuilding note: I have some things in forthcoming interludes that may interest you -- I created Nakamura's (the sushi place in New Cal) back in 2013 and I went back to flesh it out a bit more. There's also now a bubble tea store called PPTea. If you're interested in more details (since I don't want to spoil things too much), feel free to email me (lilywinterwood at gmail) or reach out on Discord, if you're there.
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So I just read your latest mission to the end, by
on 2021-11-20 13:42:26 UTC
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Does this mean assassinations are being phased out/banned now? Well damn 😅
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Not if you don't want to. by
on 2021-11-21 16:19:03 UTC
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No one person in this community gets to dictate major changes to the setting like that. That's why we banned Emergencies.
What Lily has done is set a precedent that provides an alternative to assassination—and I'll add that she did it very nicely, without making one option necessarily better or worse than the other. So, if you've got a strong case for de-glittering instead of assassinating, you can do that! If you've got a strong case for assassinating, you can absolutely still do that! It's up to your discretion.
~Neshomeh