And the other two:

Subject: And the other two:
Author: Lily Winterwood
Posted on: 2021-12-26 06:15:31 UTC

“Console, Tell Me”, to the tune of “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande:

Console, tell me what mission is this?
Don’t make me go into a fic where my favourite is messed with
Console, tell me my favourite is spared
Don’t make me watch them fall in love with some Mary Sue, again

Gotta go into a fic
And I‘m trying to play it cool
But it’s hard to focus when I see my fave across the room
Some pop song is playing now
Which is odd for Middle-earth
I’m avoiding being noticed until I know that it’s

Canon getting ruptured
So the Duty I can carry out, oh

Console, tell me what mission is this?
Don’t make me go into a fic where my favourite is messed with
Console, tell me my favourite is spared
Don’t make me watch them get possessed by some Bad Slash wraith, again

I’ve been down this road before
With a Dark F*ck Sherlock Holmes
And a woobie Watson crying into his soft white jumper
I’ve got all my canon books
And a Beeblock DVD
And I’ll call on Conan Doyle for the power of the

Canon getting ruptured
So the Duty I can carry out, oh

Console, tell me what mission is this?
Don’t make me go into a fic where my favourite is messed with
Console, tell me my favourite is spared
Don’t make me watch them get replaced by some horrible badfic

Oh I wanna see them in character, like oh-woh
Not some duplicate going through the motions, oh-woh
Gotta stay and collect the charge
Why is this mission so hard?
Oh Glaurung
(Console tell me, console tell me)
If they will be, if they will be spared
(Console tell me, console tell me)
Oh woah

Console, tell me (Console, tell me) what mission is this? (‘Cause I need to know)
Don’t make me go into a fic where my favourite is messed with
Console, tell me (Tell me) my favourite is spared (Please spare them)
Don’t make me watch them get replaced by some horrible badfic

Console, tell me (Tell me) what mission is this? (What mission)
Don’t make me go into a fic where my favourite is messed with (Leave my favourite, leave my fave alone)
Console, tell me (Tell me) my favourite is spared (Are they spared?)
Don’t make me watch them get replaced by some horrible badfic

“Dearest Upstairs”, to the tune of “Santa Baby”

Dearest Upstairs, just slip a good fic into the queue for me
Keep my sanity keen
Dearest Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now

Dearest Upstairs, a type-40 DoSAT TARDIS, too
Bright blue
I’m relying on you
Dearest Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now

Think of all the fun and thrills
Think of all the badfics that I haven’t killed
Next year I could be just as good
If this list’s items you could fill

Dearest Upstairs, I want a flat in sunny New Cal, right now
I won’t torch up my pals
Dearest Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now

Darling Upstairs, one little thing I really need: the Bleep
A plothole-ful would be nice
Darling Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now

Lovely Upstairs, and fill a crate with Swiss chocolate and tea
Leave it in my RC
Lovely Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now

Give me time off in Middle-earth
Or a leisure planet out in Whoniverse
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me

Dearest Upstairs, just one more thing I want from this place — a raise
I don’t mean with your fronds
Dearest Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now
Putting down the flamethrower now
Putting… it down.

(and then this agent is dragged away kicking and screaming haha)

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The Grinch is Sandy Claws: A Christmas Conspiracy by Huinesoron on 2021-12-25 13:15:25 UTC Reply

Two of the most famous Christmas films ever are The Nightmare Before Christmas and How the Grinch Stole Christmas (of which there is only one version, and I will bite you if you argue). But did you know that these two movies are in fact... a series?

Yes, it's true. The mean, grumpy old Grinch is actually one and the same as the "Sandy Claws" kidnapped by Hallowe'en Town. After his change of heart, Whoville became Christmas-town, and the costume he had sewn to imitate the fictional Santa became his own trademark. (Fictional? Of course! The Grinch steals every Who's stocking, but those stockings are clearly empty; if Santa was real, he would have come by after the Grinch's visit and provided at least some presents!)

Want the proof? Of course you want the proof.

Our first views of the town in the two movies. Note the arrangement - a circle of houses around a central tree - and the backdrop of snowy hills leading to mountains. The only difference is that big house with the tower - but that's where Jack first sees Sandy Claws. That's the Grinch's new residence!

The great big electro Whocarnioflux (sp?) is a direct ancestor of the penguin-powered song-wagon on the right. Clearly, given the Grinch's dislike of too much noise, noise, noise, NOISE, the considerate Whos toned things down a bit (though they still love to sing). The various railways in Christmas-town are just more of the same technology.

Their children even sleep the same way! Has any family since the writing of There Were Ten In The Bed actually put all its children side by side in a wide bed? Only in Whoville/Christmas-town! They've got the same little noses and all, and their red hats are clearly to hide their antennae.

Finally, there's the big man himself. I will grant that there are some slight differences between the two renditions, though no more than a few decades out of that drafty old cave can account for. But do you know what they have in common, that sets them apart from every other image of Santa ever?

Neither of them wear trousers.

Case closed. Merry Christmas, I hope the Grinch brought you something nice.

Merry Grinchmas! ^_^ (Also, a filk!) by Neshomeh on 2021-12-25 17:28:07 UTC Reply
Now I'm wondering if the whole Sandy Claws guise is one big suit. O.o

Meanwhile, late as usual, I've updated the Holiday Songbook with last year's filks! Cheers to Kittyauthor, Tawaki, and Thoth for participating.

It might be a bit late for the Filk Game this year, but I actually have one to share:

AGENTS, GO WHERE I SEND THEE
To the tune of "Children, Go Where I Send Thee" (trad. African-American)

Agents, go where I send thee.
How shall I send thee?
I'm gonna send thee one by one.
One for the Urple Lady,
And more (more!), more! Duty never ends.

Agents, go where I send thee.
How shall I send thee?
I'm gonna send thee two by two.
Two for pairings mangled,
One for the Urple Lady,
And more (more!), more! Duty never ends.

... Three for canons tangled
... Four for the gore we'll stand no more
... Five for the misplaced creatures
... Six for the fics that spellcheck won't fix
... Seven for our brains breaking Rule Thirty-Seven*
... Eight for a spate of angst by the crate
... Nine for the time bent out of line
... Ten for the lands uncanon
... Eleven for the power-levels creeping
... Twelve for the blatant rip-offs

* Rule of the Internet #37: You cannot divide by zero.

Each line is a reference to a different Action department. Can you guess them all? ^_^

Feel free to write your own filk if you want to! The following guidelines apply:
1. Pick a seasonal tune that strikes your fancy—anything you like, even if it's been used for this before.
2. Write new words for it with a PPC theme.
  2a. I encourage you to seek for a topic that does not involve Sue-slaying, because we have lots of filks about that. If that's what the muse dictates, though, go for it.
  2b. This year, I can't think of a specific prompt, so... go nuts!
3. Post your filk here in this thread for us to enjoy and comment on. (Generally speaking, if you post something, it's good manners to comment on someone else's thing, too.)
4. If so inclined, share a recording of yourself singing a filk or two.
5. When all's said, sung, and done, I'll add this year's entries to the PPC Holiday Songbook unless you specify otherwise.
Merry Christmas to those who celebrate, Happy Saturday to those who don't!

~Neshomeh

Filks? Filks! by Midnight on 2021-12-26 23:44:30 UTC Edited Reply

To be sung to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman. Many sympathies, I can’t write filks to save my life, but I tried.

God rest ye merry agents

Let nothing you dismay

Remember that Bleeprin

Was given to us this day

To save us all from badfics pow'r

When we were gone insane

Oh tidings of misery and pain

Misery and pain

Oh tidings of misery and pain

In the General Store, in Headquarters

This blessed Bleeprin was sold

And laid within the dusty vaults

Of this blessed place

The which the miserable agents

Did nothing take in scorn

Oh tidings of misery and pain

Misery and pain

Oh tidings of misery and pain

Fear not then, said Leto Haven

Let nothing you affright

For Bleeprin’s bought upon this day

To free all those who trust in it

From badfic born insanity

Oh tidings of misery and pain

Misery and pain

Oh tidings of misery and pain

God rest ye merry agents

Let nothing you dismay

Remember that Bleeprin

Was given to us this day

To save us all from badfics pow'r

When we were gone insane

Oh tidings of misery and pain

Misery and pain

Oh tidings of misery and pain
Filks? I have some laying around here somewhere... by ClaireBook1 on 2021-12-26 20:43:53 UTC Edited Reply

To the tune of O Come, O Come, Emmanuel:

O come, o come ye hobbits fat

About the Ring, you need to answer that

The Dark Lord wants to find it again

And to the Shire his Nazgul send.

Frodo, Frodo, to Mordor you must go

To melt the Ring in Mount Doom's fiery glow.

Another filk - this one is Greensleeves by ClaireBook1 on 2022-01-08 19:47:39 UTC Reply

Alas, canon, they do you wrong

And mess with you so shamelessly

But we have loved you for so long

Delighting in your histories

Canon is our delight

Canon what we fight for

Canon is what we love

But Sues would make it Glittery

Allow me to contribute: Drun-ken Saaaaailoooor! by Ki no Shirayuki on 2022-01-08 21:46:29 UTC Edited Reply
Intro: What do we do with a broken canon?

Chorus: Wey-hey and up spork rises!

Verses:
- Strip all the glitter and chuck it in a dumpster.
- Facepalm at bad spelling and awful grammar.
- Wipe Hot Topic out of Harry Potter.
… and that's all I have, at least for now.

Nice! by Neshomeh on 2021-12-26 21:47:40 UTC Reply

That's one of my favorite carols. Good job on the scansion! I'd love to see another verse or two. {= )

~Neshomeh

I will write more verses as soon as I can think of them. (nm) by ClaireBook1 on 2021-12-27 18:14:02 UTC Reply

On the topic of song parodies, by Ki no Shirayuki on 2021-12-26 10:31:46 UTC Plug Reply

Behold, legolas by laura: the opera, which I did not write, but is too hilarious not to share, and not only because it contains a parody of the infamous "taking the hobbits to Isengard" remix meme.
Hold onto your hats, by Lily Winterwood on 2021-12-25 18:38:07 UTC Edited Reply

because I’ve got a couple filks percolating in my notes.

First, to the tune of the Dreidel Song, “I Have A Legendary”:

I have a Legendary
Where ‘goffik’ girls are in
We’re not sure if it’s troll fic
But it makes my head spin

Oh badfic, badfic, badfic
I cannot look away
I’ll have to eat some Bleeprin
And then this fic I’ll slay

Another Legendary
With million words of dreck
Made Wangxian clones a-plenty
And AO3 got wrecked

Oh badfic, badfic, badfic
I cannot look away
I’ll have to eat some Bleeprin
And then this fic I’ll slay

This Legendary Badfic
Has Harry partly kissed
He gets a dryad army
And other things to miss

Oh badfic, badfic, badfic
I cannot look away
I’ll have to eat some Bleeprin
And then this fic I’ll slay

(Feel free to add your own stanzas about the Legendary Badfics closest to your hearts :P)

(Additional note about stanza two: I don’t think the Board ever did a vote on STWWX being Legendary but personally, I feel like if your fic more or less led to a critical restructuring of a fanfiction website’s tagging policies, you’re basically the author of a Legendary.)

Anyway: departments listed: Mary Sues, Bad Slash, Implausible Crossovers, Disturbing Acts of Violence, Misplaced Flora and Fauna, Technical Errors, …not sure on this one. DoWT? Bad Angst, Temporal Offenses, Geographical Aberrations, ESAS?? and… Plagiarism? Will have to find a recording of this song though!

ETA: Zing contributed the PKH lines and I forgot to mention that at checks clock 4AM yesterday. Whoops haha

And the other two: by Lily Winterwood on 2021-12-26 06:15:31 UTC Reply

“Console, Tell Me”, to the tune of “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande:

Console, tell me what mission is this?
Don’t make me go into a fic where my favourite is messed with
Console, tell me my favourite is spared
Don’t make me watch them fall in love with some Mary Sue, again

Gotta go into a fic
And I‘m trying to play it cool
But it’s hard to focus when I see my fave across the room
Some pop song is playing now
Which is odd for Middle-earth
I’m avoiding being noticed until I know that it’s

Canon getting ruptured
So the Duty I can carry out, oh

Console, tell me what mission is this?
Don’t make me go into a fic where my favourite is messed with
Console, tell me my favourite is spared
Don’t make me watch them get possessed by some Bad Slash wraith, again

I’ve been down this road before
With a Dark F*ck Sherlock Holmes
And a woobie Watson crying into his soft white jumper
I’ve got all my canon books
And a Beeblock DVD
And I’ll call on Conan Doyle for the power of the

Canon getting ruptured
So the Duty I can carry out, oh

Console, tell me what mission is this?
Don’t make me go into a fic where my favourite is messed with
Console, tell me my favourite is spared
Don’t make me watch them get replaced by some horrible badfic

Oh I wanna see them in character, like oh-woh
Not some duplicate going through the motions, oh-woh
Gotta stay and collect the charge
Why is this mission so hard?
Oh Glaurung
(Console tell me, console tell me)
If they will be, if they will be spared
(Console tell me, console tell me)
Oh woah

Console, tell me (Console, tell me) what mission is this? (‘Cause I need to know)
Don’t make me go into a fic where my favourite is messed with
Console, tell me (Tell me) my favourite is spared (Please spare them)
Don’t make me watch them get replaced by some horrible badfic

Console, tell me (Tell me) what mission is this? (What mission)
Don’t make me go into a fic where my favourite is messed with (Leave my favourite, leave my fave alone)
Console, tell me (Tell me) my favourite is spared (Are they spared?)
Don’t make me watch them get replaced by some horrible badfic

“Dearest Upstairs”, to the tune of “Santa Baby”

Dearest Upstairs, just slip a good fic into the queue for me
Keep my sanity keen
Dearest Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now

Dearest Upstairs, a type-40 DoSAT TARDIS, too
Bright blue
I’m relying on you
Dearest Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now

Think of all the fun and thrills
Think of all the badfics that I haven’t killed
Next year I could be just as good
If this list’s items you could fill

Dearest Upstairs, I want a flat in sunny New Cal, right now
I won’t torch up my pals
Dearest Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now

Darling Upstairs, one little thing I really need: the Bleep
A plothole-ful would be nice
Darling Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now

Lovely Upstairs, and fill a crate with Swiss chocolate and tea
Leave it in my RC
Lovely Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now

Give me time off in Middle-earth
Or a leisure planet out in Whoniverse
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me

Dearest Upstairs, just one more thing I want from this place — a raise
I don’t mean with your fronds
Dearest Upstairs, I’m putting down the flamethrower now
Putting down the flamethrower now
Putting… it down.

(and then this agent is dragged away kicking and screaming haha)

Wow, you've been busy. Yay, there will be a proper 2021 page in the Songbook! ^_^ by Neshomeh on 2021-12-26 21:58:06 UTC Reply

One question:

> Think of all the fun and thrills
> Think of all the badfics that I haven’t killed
> Next year I could be just as good

It doesn't seem like the agent has been that good if they haven't been killing badfics, so I wonder if there was a typo or something?

~Neshomeh

It could be a typo, by Lily Winterwood on 2021-12-26 23:18:05 UTC Reply

but I think I was thinking about the fics they’ve already killed and then all the ones left to kill and they’re like, make my working conditions better so I can kill more badfics? So maybe “think of all the badfics I’ve yet to kill”?