Oh. Oh, we’re M-rated now. I’m scared . . . And we open on a radio program that’s basically “Classically Abby” but for wizards? I’m scared-er . . .

(This is probably going to feel kind of rambly, but I took a lot of notes, and I’m more or less going in order so I don’t lose track.)

I know Héloïse is from canon, but I just wanted to note really quick that eagle owls are cool and handsome, and that I’m glad she got to appear here, too!

I am legitimately shocked to hear Lucius swinging more towards Silverstream than Gaunt! Lucius was the Voldemort hardliner in canon, but here, it seems Narcissa is the more dedicated one. I’m interested to see how that shakes out in the long run, especially given Narcissa’s “Family comes before ideology” here. Canon!Narcissa certainly would agree; how long will it be before Gaunt decides Draco is a problem, and how will Narcissa feel then? Oh, and Regulus is running? Nice! Third party Teddy Roosy victory for the win!

It's so easy to get sucked into the “fantasy racism” of Purebloods vs. Muggles, but the reactions Draco’s narration has to all the Muggle areas he passes through, and especially Harry’s neighborhood, really made the wealth vs. poverty element come slamming back into my mind. Draco has been taught to avoid and disdain people below a certain class status, even putting aside the anti-Muggle elements of his upbringing, and he’s literally never been anywhere where he could see trash on the sidewalk, or homeless people. More for Draco to deconstruct about the world! I also found it interesting that Rose and Gary saw Hermione as “posh,” too. I’ve never really thought of her that way (she is nerd, like me!), but just like with Draco, it comes down to perspective, doesn’t it? Oh, and related to that is Draco’s realization at the end about the difference between the two birthdays, and that Harry was enjoying the public pool party better than the mansion party. It’s about the people we love, Draco, not the expensive decorations and food!

My headcanon is that the public pool smells like Scouring Potion to Draco because Scouring Potion is literally just ordinary chlorine, and the wizarding community doesn’t realize making that potion is identical to practicing Muggle chemistry. Also, did Draco really just disparage flip-flops? I will NOT stand for this denigration of Muggle culture! You will learn to appreciate the flip-flops, boy!

So, you made me laugh out loud twice this chapter! First, “The men even had their chests bare, in front of their Muggle God and everything!” is hilarious because the idea that Draco’s upbringing is so repressed and controlled that he’s literally never seen another amab chest before is . . . well, now that I’ve typed it out, that’s pretty uh, sad. But the line still made me laugh, because being scandalized by that is just so, so silly! And the other is the “Oh. No.” after Harry starts losing his shirt. The abrupt switch from fairly neutral narration to the inner-thoughts-teenage-hormone-panic threw me completely off-guard and dropped me straight into hilarity! (But yeah, funny how making human bodies a taboo thing while kids are growing up makes it harder for them to react healthily and comfortably when they reach an age where they start getting attracted to those bodies, weird how that works!)

I know there’s potential that I’m going to regret this phrasing, considering what year we’re at, but I could legit kill Sirius Black right now. No hyperbole, I am so actually angry with him for tricking a teenage boy into wearing a bikini in public, like, does he not remember how painful it is at that age to be humiliated in front of one’s peers? I actually had to stop reading for a couple minutes and steel myself before continuing, because I was dreading the scene that was about to unfold. Your Draco is made of much firmer substance than me, because in this situation, I basically would have died right on the spot rather than have anyone look at me. (And yes, I know, clothing isn’t gendered, and we shouldn’t listen to social norms in determining who’s “allowed” to wear what, but I’m just saying that for me, the embarrassment would have stopped my heart.) It was great and hilarious for Draco to team up with Rose in order to torment Harry as a result though; and how far we’ve come, seeing Draco make such a natural alliance with a Muggle, and later chat casually with her about magic, besides!

Oof, Lily, should have picked up Draco’s clothes at Grimmauld Place before bringing him home! He was already late, but at least Lucius wouldn’t have seen the Muggle clothes . . .

New word you taught me: “chignon,” though my hair is much too short for such fancy thoughts! Oh, and I guess you also taught me “lido” as both an Italian word and a UK slang!

—doctorlit, coming down with an acute case of second-hand embarrassment

Oh, Pius Thicknesse, I always forget he exists, because he’s basically if Voldemort engineered himself an intentionally uninteresting background character. And it was always a bit ambiguous how down with the dark stuff he was, so seeing him running doesn’t feel much better than Gaunt himself. (I know he was under an Imperius Curse for most of Voldemort’s reign of terror, but he also expresses some pretty nasty Pureblood rhetoric when Harry meets him in the Ministry in Deathly Hallows, and I don’t know if an Imperius Curse would give its victim the caster’s opinions?) And looking at both his and Silverstream’s campaign messages: “law and order” “family values” “on both sides” Ah, yes, phrases that tell me not to vote for that candidate! (The last is a fairly new addition to that list!) Then again, the third option is a bigot who’s actively genociding a culture using his giant snake, and calling the culture he’s genociding bigots soooooo . . . guess I’m voting for Silverstream, how dull. How old do Ministers have to be? If Hermione ran on a platform of “slavery is bad actually,” she would get my vote for sure! I am digging those extremely unrestrictive voting laws, though. Long, open period to register, and seventeen-year-olds get in on the action! We should let seventeen-year-olds vote in the U.S. too!

A. Wolf. A wolf. The aurors told the police that the string of mysterious disappearances stretching back to the 1930s(?) was caused by a wolf. For ~70 years. Yes, dogs are famous for being one of those pets that outlive their owners all the time, it’s very tragic how many decades canines can live. Honestly . . .

Hagrid leaving came as quite a shock, because for a second, I thought he was leaving. But I see he’s actually getting some remedial schooling at last! Heck yeah, Hagrid! Get that education!

Oh boy. Sounds like the other Slytherin students are very much Done With tolerating Draco’s friendship with Gryffindors. Heading for a rough year, indeed . . .

—doctorlit is intrigued by that very different fifth year title!

Oh no, Prince . . . she’s getting sent on a double agent mission, just like Snape was, isn’t she? I hope she makes it through okay. She’s a lot more likeable than Snape, and I like the idea of her being part of Harry’s family—I mean, I guess she has been all along, huh? And it’s nice to see Lily returning Prince’s affection at last. It’s been clear that Prince loved Lily, and I kept seeing that “Lily Potter/Severus Snape” tag in the . . . tags . . . but I wasn’t sure if Lily loved her back until now. I’m fumbling for words, but I guess it just feels nice for them to be there for each other, knowing that a fascist crapstorm is brewing?

Oh hey, Marlene McKinnon is alive! For now! Nice to see an entire family not blotted from the earth! It’s the little victories.

I love our golden . . . quadruple? linking hands and swearing to work against Gaunt; felt very Stephen Kingish (in a good way). As always and everywhere, getting the youth to vote will be deeply critical, and that’s an angle the students are better equipped for than Dumbledore and the other older folks. Oh, the in-school Order meetings are about to turn even more divisive, aren’t they?

Why, Hermione, what is that you found upon the windowsill, Hermione? What have you got in your hand? Could it possibly maybe perhaps be, I don’t know . . . some variety of . . . BEETLE?! IS THAT A BEETLE HERMIONE HAVE YOU FIND A BEETLE HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH AHJMAHSGSDHWDUGYWEDIGHWE8OFUG

—doctorlit, normal and fine

Okay. Okay. I felt so very slapped in the face for a moment there, because when “Jacques” first pulled his wand on Harry, I thought Crouch Jr. had been Jacques for the entire year, and I really and truly couldn’t force my brain to accept that. It felt so wrong, not only because I was so sure Junior had been in Senior nope that phrasing is no longer okay impersonating Senior, but also because Jacques has just been so much fun all year, and also I hated the idea of one of our PPC boys being locked in a trunk all year . . . but now I just feel so dumb! Because of course Junior switched identities throughout the year. That’s actually easier than the original Junior remaining Moody all year! But yeah, thanks for that early morning crash into my senses, there!

I love Harry’s observation that the Knights view Gaunt as “some sort of Chosen One,” since it’s a turnabout from canon, where Harry is “chosen” rather literally as the “solution” to Trelawny’s prophecy. (Which I rather forgot about; did that prophecy just not occur in this timeline?) And it’s a lovely demonstration of why Chosen One plots can get kind of toxic, and assigning people a status of “most special child” can lead them to stop questioning their actions and goals in a healthy way, to say nothing of the possibility of collecting worshipful followers . . . oh, hello, parallels between Gaunt and Trump. it’s been a while!

For being such a dark chapter, I was filled with wonderful feelings when Dumbledore stood up to Fudge and put him in his place. What an absolute and fully justified power move! Fudge having the audacity to think of himself as “the very last defence you’ve got against tyranny” is so pathetic and cringey, I can’t imagine having that level of self-confidence. “Everyone in this community got a magic wand, but it’s me, the Wizarding World equivalent of a one-term U.S. president, the walking embodiment of middle management getting promoted beyond their competence level, the very goodest of boys with a title in front of my name, I’m the only hope this country has!” CRINGE. Still, going to be a hellish election next year, with potentially disastrous results. And the one in Heirs of Avalon could be bad, too! (Oh, hello, parallels!)

—doctorlit is even more concerned about Neville’s continued absence, considering Junior clearly had the Longbottoms on his mind before kidnapping Harry

The Third Task. Warning for a much more gruesome and bloody version of the character death that happens in the books, plus allusions/implications of other character deaths.

ETA it's chapter 19 I can't count haha

Yessssss, yessssssssssssss! I like reading me a little smart Harry! Hermione will always be my favorite of the three, but it’s nice seeing Harry manage to flex the brain parts a bit! He’s well on his way, as long as the adults in the room have to sense to listen and follow the trail. He’s even starting to notice that damn beetle, that damn beetle, that damn beetle! DON’T TRUST THE BEETLE HARRY, DENY THE BEETEL, STEP ON THE No, I suppose Skeeter doesn’t deserve that. (Not to express sympathy for two very nasty characters, but there must be a lot of fear involved in using one’s Animagus form when that form is a beetle or a rat. People already pay bugs and rodents a lot of negative attention, and I would be worried about anyone reaching for a shovel or shoe or something without me noticing, and not being able to defend myself with a spell . . . In Skeeter’s case, even an accidental misstep would be fatal!)

I had assumed that Beedle’s tales were old enough to be unchanged in this timeline, but wow, that is almost a complete morality flip of the original “Hairy Heart” story! I see your version only uses “a hairy heart” in its metaphorical form, possibly because of the association between hair and magical power/talent? It also eliminates the Horcrux metaphor from the original, which makes me wonder if Horcruxes even exist in Purityworld . . . clearly, even Gaunt hasn’t indulged, since he still looks fully human! I like how you tied one of the Beedle stories into the family history of some of the main characters; while I dislike the general concept of people being born cursed because a wand got pointed at some ancient ancestor, I know it’s canon to the universe, and it ties in with Astoria’s situation, too! (Also, I just popped back to “Pureblood Panopticon” to double check I wasn’t mixing up the Greengrass sisters’ names, and caught this line from Lockhart: “But unfortunately this time, when Lord Hydrus Privett finds out his beloved Heiress Dracaena Merrington was one of the haircutter’s victims, he’ll completely lose his mind with grief…” That’s some wild foreshadowing, Lily! But of course, with Lockhart being a story thief, he would be aware of the hairy heart story, and its ties to the Malfoy family, as well!)

Loved seeing the name correction with Mahoudokoro, too! I’ll try to memorize that as the proper spelling. I think Hamelin Books will be headcanon for me, as well!

—doctorlit still needs to sit down and watch A Very Potter Musical all the way through

so I don't know how effective the wizard Hague will be :P

I'm glad you picked up on all of those things. I thought it was important to finally show what happened in the Lord Slytherin Scandal, since there were so many questions before about what happened and how it led to Gaunt losing power the first time. It and the passage of the Muggleborn Protection Act all lay the groundwork for the differences between the wizarding world that Harry enters and the wizarding world that the older characters once inhabited. Some readers have been surprised that the Wizengamot would go so far as to pass the Muggleborn Protection Act, so I think this serves as an explanation for that! Dumbledore is, once again, acting For The Greater Good, even if he pretty much threw Sirius and the Longbottoms under the bus.

The fate of the Chamber Pensieve... will be uncovered in a later year! I think year 6 at latest?