Excellent

New Floaters Interlude! by HerrWozzeck on 2012-03-01 22:36:00 UTC Reply

In which Anneli, Cindy, and Xanthus deal with the aftermath of their Subject 23 mission:

https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=194UoSF08Uo29q1cYhijwzhWpukedSAYn90ZApxYiZUQ

This interlude also includes a rather lengthy scene involving Ilraen-Aroline-Fothergill, with whom I collaborated on Neshomeh with. Thanks very much, Nesh! :D

So anyway, this is the return to my Floaters RC after their recent mission to assassinate Subject 23.

I hope you guys enjoy!

Re: Interlude by doctorlit on 2012-03-02 05:24:00 UTC Reply

There was some tricky, serious dialogue in this interlude. It's difficult to get characters talking when they're all trying to dance around a problem like this, but I think you handled it well and kept everyone's lines realistic.

I also liked the dream sequence opening. The details were very vivid, which brought to life, for me, why it was so harrowing for Cindy.

Now, uh . . . I'm a little disappointed in Xanthus and Anneli for never thinking to bring Cindy to FicPsych. I understand them wanting to take care of her on her own, and I realize she would have resisted every step of the way. However, I still think the other two agents should have at least brought it up as a possibility. It just seems a little overly stubborn to me that they never even discuss trying to get Cindy there.

Finally, some mistakes I caught:

A "to" is missing from here somewhere. (strive not to repeat)

The ending . . . uh, greater than sign? Andalite . . . talky . . . thingy. Is, uh, missing. Off the end there. (>)

(Wow. The Board does not like Andalite dialogue.)

FicPsych by Neshomeh on 2012-03-02 17:30:00 UTC Reply

I'm kind of surprised it never occurred to me to get FicPsych involved, now that you mention it. On the other hand, though, even if I knew a friend of mine was having trouble, if they wouldn't talk to me about it I'm not sure my next reaction would be "okay then, I must make them get therapy." That's kind of a personal decision, and making a suggestion like that to someone who's already in a sensitive state might alienate them even further.

I mean, if it looked like Cindy was suicidal or otherwise likely to harm herself, then yeah, they should have called for help, but that wasn't the case. I think it's plausible that they were so wrapped up in their worries that an outside solution couldn't occur to them. These things happen.

Also, they can't stubbornly not do something that was never even brought up. {= P

Otherwise, thanks for the catch on "to."

Like Herr says, the greater-than is deliberately absent there, following the rule for paragraph breaks within a single speech. It does look weird with different punctuation, though, I agree. O.o

~Neshomeh

Re: Interlude feedback by doctorlit on 2012-03-03 01:38:00 UTC Reply

I guess for me, the whole torture-of-a-friend thing would feel like something I couldn't deal with on my own, so my instinct would have been to turn to FicPsych. But again, that's my personal thought process, and probably not relevant to people with better emotional/social skills than me (read: all real and fictional persons).

Sorry about the confusion with the >. I didn't catch that Ilrean's dialogue continued from there.

Hmm by Neshomeh on 2012-03-03 19:18:00 UTC Reply

I think that's definitely valid, but I don't know that it applies to Xanthus and Anneli. The fact that it doesn't come up in the narrative may be an issue—something to point out that they just never thought of it, and why, mightn't have gone amiss, though I don't personally find it necessary—but I think a case can be made for any psychological reaction you can think of. I'm taking issue with judging the characters as people rather than judging the narrative choice. Does that make sense?

~Neshomeh

Thanks for the feedback! by HerrWozzeck on 2012-03-02 13:52:00 UTC Reply

Yeah, the dialogue gave me a bit of a hard time with trying to make it flow naturally, especially as it got closer to Cindy and Ilraen's conversation.

Hm... I'll admit I never thought about FicPsych and how they'd fit in until the neuralyzation bit involving Thane. So blame that on me. I added a short blurb, so hopefully that'll do it.

I added the 'to' that was missing there. As for the missing greater than sign, it's not there because it segues immediately into the next line of dialogue, which is also from Ilraen.

Excellent by StarAlbatross on 2012-03-02 02:13:00 UTC Reply

That was a most Excellent piece of writing. Very emotional and very well done. Most definitely entertaining to read!

In short, Excellent Job!