SECRET AGENTS


O'Neil, who had spent the last several hour

Orken, who was busy sorting through the contents of his backpack, rolled his eyes. "Yes, Agent Thomas, Agent Ilraen is an Andalite. I congratulate you for noticing that, and not letting your desire to greet him and invite him in get in the way. You know, silly things like manners."

I loved this bit of sarcasm. It's like Orken at his best. The kind of thing that makes me want to read more about him.


"If you wish to give up the notebook and continue your self-injury, Agent Ilraen is willing to note down charges."

This line made me laugh.



(This next section is pretty round about, but I think it works. It really did take me a long time to figure out what it was that was bugging me, and I thought maybe the process would be of some use. This was pretty hard to put my finger on, so it truly is a subtle thing. If I wasn't trying very hard to give some concrit here, I probably never would have mentioned it or given it enough thought to figure out what unsettled me.)

The argument between Ilraen and Orken felt off to me. I think I am supposed to be getting that Orken cares, but isn't wanting to show it. It was working, sort of, up until Thomas intervened. Then it just felt like Orken got to get off the hook with being pompous. He did apologize of course, but--I'm sorry that I can't pin point it exactly--the scene just left me feeling like Orken is a dick, but that I should be feeling that Orken is a Jerk with a Heart of Gold. It does get better at the wrap-up when they talk about it, but it still feels...forced? I'm sorry I'm not being more helpful here.

Orken kind of comes off a bit for the worse with O'Neil, too.

"If there was some way to communicate with him, things would be simpler. As it is, we have to guess. It isn't anything urgent, I assure you. We keep him well fed and he has free range of Thomas' side of the response center.

He just seems so...dismissive. Like if O'Neil's physical needs have been met that he isn't important enough to matter beyond that, so why bother trying to understand, or even give the mini some sympathy and understanding over the problem.

Actually, this might be part of the problem I had with their argument. Like, I know that Orken is scared that Thomas could go insane, so I know he cares and worries from the mission where Thomas OD'd and from the mission where his former partner did go insane. I know that's a real thing for Orken. In the argument none of his side feels like it is coming from there.

Orken shrugged. "He never asked for Bleeprin, and for the next couple weeks he can't have any, anyway. This seemed to keep him from doing anything too stupid—he has a thick head and has never done more than split it open a bit, and it's less likely to alert a Sue than him yelling about vegetables and Roman emperors. It isn't like he's slamming his head into things full force."

He makes mention of the previous incidents there, but I have this image in my head of someone who is standing there with a totally unconcerned look on his face, speaking in an unconcerned tone of voice, stating facts that are kind of distant from his caring. Maybe it is the shrug? Because of knowing more about Orken's past with insane partners, I feel like he should be reacting. At the same time I know he isn't the type to just start hugging and crying about it, but maybe if there was some observational note, like made by Ilraen or even Thomas (who is in much better position to know that Orken isn't as cool with insanity in partners as he seems).

Like Orken is being an unreliable narrator here, in my mind, but nothing in the text supports that, so I've gotten a dissonance. I think that is finally it. It took me a long while to work it out. It wasn't a huge one, or it would have been more obvious to me, but I think that is what I've been trying to get at.


He sighed. Apparently this was how the multiverse rewarded agents who thought they were ready for more responsibility. Ilraen had never seen a public service announcement, but just then he could have written one.

Best line ever!



COSMIC LOVE

Sar-Plasm™ started to ooze from the walls.
The Minbari looked at the goo on the walls. "Intern Bjørnsen, please inform Janitorial that Agent Supernumerary has been to visit. They will want to clean this up before it dries."
Random Fruit Cart-hahahahahaha. this line reminds that I need to work on more randomly hilarious moments. This is the PPC, of course there has to be a fruitcart involved in a chase. Thanks for this one.


Nume carefully plucked her arms away from him, wearing a look associated with removing an old banana peel that hadn't quite made it into the trash the first time.

Very nice description there.

I've read the other comments that said that Nume took the killing curse too well, but to me, he seems to take it very Nume-like. To me, Decima takes it awfully well. She seems more excitable than Nume, but basically doesn't comment on it. It could very well be a calm in the moment fall apart later kind of reaction, but she's still holding it together pretty well through the end of the mission.

I kind of like how Nume is more rattled by the loss of the RA than he immediately was over Decima most likely being dead. I'd say he could have been more surprised about her being alive than he was, but that could be part of his general not caring.

I have to say that you write the best jerk character I've read in the PPC. Especially since I don't really get the Jerk With a Heart of Gold vibe from Nume, more straight-up misanthrope. They definitely aren't easy to write.

I thought the magic through the plothole was inspired.

Loved the ending. Decima is not going to let Nume off easy over the closet incident is she? I look forward to their future meetings.

I liked it so far. Nothing special, but not bad either.

My two cent on the RA thing: It didn't bother me that the RA was hit, it bothered me that Nume seemed a bit like "yeah, whatever." I mean, Decima just survived an AK. The last time that happened, big things followed.

Re: the Killing Curse and the RA: when the Killing Curse hit Decima, I was expecting a big, teary, and dramatic climax. Finding out that "Oh, it hit the RA," was a bit of a letdown and broke the mood of the story.

Otherwise, the mission was very funny. I especially enjoyed Nume and Decima's banter in Malfoy Manor and the chase scene.

Keep up the good work!

I enjoyed reading this, Nume and Decima are pretty good together, though I doubt they think so! :P

As always, I really liked when an agent was talkign with a Flower, and Nume's talk with the Lichen was one of my favorites. And Reading Decima's session with Mirrad (Who I forgot was a male >.>;) was funny too. I like it when people use Fic Psyche for more then just mentions. Oh! And the slipper! :D


Yeah, reading agents doing things with other people aside from partners before or after a Mission is always fun. Though, the chase scene was really good. So, I guess agents doing stuff aside from a Mission can be fun. Good idea with the stand too, I got a good smile out of that.

'three jagger like scars' Just... Mick Jagger. I can't say anything else about how great that was.

As for questions/nitpicks, I was confused for a second over the fic bits not being bolded, but that is really just a personal preference. It was still really easy to tell the fic bits apart from the Mission text, so no real biggie.

With that said, though, I would have liked to have seen some more fic bits. Specifically, the babies name. It took me a minute to try and figure out what it could be, and I am still not really sure.

As for the Killing Curse bit, I went to the Wiki to see if it was even possible. I always assumed that the Killing Curse was bigger then what it is. Like, a small wave or something. my Suspension of Disbelief wasn't really stretched too much by it, but I did find it really odd that there wasn't more amazement/unbelievibleness over her that narrowly avoiding sure death.

Altogether, I really, really liked reading it. It didn't seem too long, and had more stuff then just the mission.

I look forward to more from Decima!

-not sure why the killing curse didn't kill Decima, not strong enough? Hmm, kinda agree with PC that it is kinda weird. I always thought that it couldn't be blocked by somethign so small, and that the killign curse was not a bolt?
-

Supernumerary and Decima make a surprisingly good agent pair/team (although I suspect Nume was being more reserved than he normally would because he knew the end of working with Decima was in sight; I doubt he would bite his tongue quite so much if they were permanent partners). I also liked seeing the beginning of a story arc with Decima and her difficulties in accomplishing exorcisms.

I would have liked to see more quotes from the badfic in the "Cosmic Love" mission. Being told what's going on by the narration isn't as fun.

Also, I'd just like to say that I am very disproportionately excited to see a character I recruited appear in someone else's story. So thank you for that!

"What if James Bond where fourteen and didn't have a different girl every movie?"

Also, when did Voldemort come in? The sue mentions him when your agents first talk to her, but Voldemort has yet to be mentioned anywhere.

I can't really say this was very good, but I'm too tired to do a proper review right now.

I hashed most of my thoughts on this mission out with Phobos in the IRC, but he asked me to put them up on the Board as well.

First off, some positive notes. Numa and Decima have some wonderful moments together, and the dialogue between them is very well done. The action scenes are well-paced and easy to follow.

I had a minor quibble with the lack of direct quotations from the badfic itself. Now, those who know me are aware of my dislike regarding big blocks of directly quoted badfic. However, this particular mission goes too far in the opposite direction. There are points - usually direct shout-outs to something mentioned in the text which would have been improved if the audience were allowed to read what the text actually said. It is a fine line between too much and too little quoting.

SPOILERS BEGIN HERE

I should probably also mention a minor problem I had that Phobos was able to explain away: how, after the mission, Draco was able to Apparate everyone from the Twilight setting to Harry Potter's UK. I had thought that this was impossible (Apparating between continuums, I mean) until it was explained to me that the two realities were still crossed over at the time. I accepted that.

My largest issue with this mission, however, still stands. I was stunned (and not in a good way) when Decima's Remote Activator blocked the power of the Killing Curse and saved her life. The entire sequence smacked of convenience and Deus ex Machina. While it may be true that some of the technology in the PPC might be a bit sentient, this is never directly said or even suggested to be the case in this situation. It felt like a very obvious cheat to set up the remainder of the story and the epilogue when Nume and Ilraen reunite.

If I might widen my gaze for a brief moment, I've noticed events like this in more and more recent missions: that is, agents almost but not quite dying. Having this happen on occasion isn't a problem. A bit of action-related drama can really do wonders for a mission. However, it begins to strain credulity to the point of nonsense when agents from all over are able to just narrowly avoid death.

All in all, this had the potentiality to be a very good mission. However, the DeM right at the climatic moment really did drag this one down for me.