Subject: Very nicely done!
Author:
Posted on: 2011-11-01 01:46:00 UTC
I'm not that familiar with Dragon Age, but I did like Aster's fight with the fade, and how you gave poor Bendrick a second chance.
Also, nice use of the Majora's Mask "Day" title cards, that was a nice touch.
DMS VIDEO GAMES DIVISION
AGENTS ASTER AND LORE OFFICIAL REPORT
Continuum: Dragon Age
Title: "A Southern Californian in King Calian's Court."
Rating: Some Fornication In It I Guess
Summary: "When Aster is sent on a punitive three-day intelligence detail, she encounters a Sue that sleeps a glittery streak across Ferelden... and finds herself explaining the mission of the PPC to a member of possibly the only more unfortunate organization in the multiverse."
Links:
Main Mission Hub (all missions)
"A Southern Californian in King Calian's Court"
Start
The First Day
The Second Day
The Third Day
Fin
Comments: Wow. Just wow. This was on the TvTropes fanfic rec page. I guess some people will like a fic if it has 60+ chapters. Even if it's terrible. This was SO terrible this ended up a grand total of 37 pages and 17396 words. Mostly because I had to add in some non-sporking interludes to save my sanity and the pacing. Here it is broken up into parts for your reading pleasure.
Happy Halloween!
WARNING: REVIEW CONTAINS KINDA-SPOILERS
First things first. There's a lot about this story that is very good. Wait, check that. There's a lot about this story that is hilariously awesome. Two moments in particular stand out in my mind: when Aster's rant about the fade is overheard by a nameless wizard, and the "Aster approves (+9)" bit. I actually laughed out loud at that second one. Certainly not the most accessible bits for a general audience, but sometimes you've got to do those fandom-specific shout-outs.
I also liked the interactions between Aster and Bendick. I'm not just talking about the shipping bits, either. What really struck me personally was Aster having to explain what the PPC was to Bendick. The dialogue was great and the characterization was golden. This little exchange near the end of the second day was perhaps my favorite part of the whole mission:
"And I think I now know what your PPC values in its agents.”
“Yeah?”
“Valor. Levity.” he paused. “Perhaps a bit of madness.”
That being said, there are two things that keep this mission from being really spectacular in my mind. First off is the post-ending sequence. You had this great dramatic battle with the Mary Sue at the end of the third day. A very gut-wrenching semi-bittersweet moment... and then the post-ending sequence wraps up the whole story with a big happy ribbon. Everything turned pretty much fine, which kinda bothered me. Not to a huge extent - I understand that killing off characters is to do, and goodness knows I've used plot armor on my own characters before - but having a neat little conclusion to a big awesome mission doesn't quite gel together in tone.
The BIG thing that bothered me about this story is that it feels like a pretty typical Mary Sue mission even though it was said early on that Aster was on an Intelligence mission. Apart from a couple of stand-out bits - the special snarky CAD and the restriction on portals in particular - there wasn't really any practical difference between the way this mission was handled and most other DMS stories. The formula remained pretty much the same: agents follow the Sue, they rescue bit characters, they collect charges, they complain, and then they terminate the Sue.
As soon as I read that Aster was on an Intelligence detail, I was really looking forward to some spy-type stuff. But as the story went on, I became increasingly disappointed. I think you could have done some really cool stuff with Intelligence work. Instead, you wrote a DMS story - a great story, sure enough, but it still felt like a bit of a letdown.
Hope I didn't come off as too harsh. It's a great read and I'm looking forward to what you tackle next.
I see your crit and totally agree. What happened was that this mission floated away from what I originally thought it might be as I wrote it. Let me explain:
I wrote a pretty large portion of this as fully an Intelligence detail. It turned out very boring, and MST-like. I wanted to keep the sneaking around and observing idea in, so I kept it an 'Intelligence' detail... but it became an assassination, because after stepping back, it was simply more entertaining to read.
Of course, Aster pretty much flubbed her punishment detail. She is not earning any points with the DIA, I promise. I found that idea to be a better seed for fun in later works than just doing the punishment as ordered would be.
One thing I didn't have the time to actually include in this mission was that Lore was actually going to have a point where he persuades Aster to give up the intelligence detail and just kill it. Unfortunately, I couldn't find an area where it fit in in the fic. I tried many scenes out, in different places, but none of them could manage much without breaking the pacing. Call it a 'I will try again next time' moment: something that I wanted to include, but perhaps my skill did not permit... and I cut it out, because an awkward misplaced scene and ruined pacing would have hurt it more than the very slight inconsistency.
Also, Bendrick actually was going to die at Ostagar. Then as I realized he wasn't the problem, he was going to be air lifted out of there at the first possible convenience, to be part of an ESAS team. Except, when I began to write him, I started to realize the justice of including him... and exactly the perfect end to the Sue. Unfortunately, it involved a potentially fatal situation for him, so to prelude his spin-off I needed to show him alive. So people don't ask me about using necromancy on Grey Wardens.
So yeah. Constructive crit all the way- I am very grateful. Part of getting better is seeing the flaws in my work... and these flaws won't happen next time. Eventually I will write a mission so perfect no one will ever have to write another mission ever again. 8Y
This was a great mission, but I did find a typo:
Aster shrugged. “I dunno. I’m not from this world. I’m not even sure if I can to the Fade in my sleep.”
Gonna miss one sometimes.
*kills it dead*
Wow. This was awesome. And intense. And awesome.
I mean, I don't know anything about Dragon Age. Aside from the fact that The Fade is a thing... whatever it is.
And I totally approve of the formatting and the title cards. I almost forgot that there was a fourth title card left. It fit so darn well.
I kind of want to see more intensity and peril in missions. Peril =/= srs bsns.
Part of the wonderful narm of the PPC is that to the characters... ridiculously stupid things can be very dangerous. You have people screaming in terror of goofy things... but part of that is portraying the goofy things AS terrifying.
I like Dragon Age missions. There's something about Dragon Age badfic that makes me go "You have all these options and you still chose to mess with canon?! Rargh! Die!" so I'm happy to see missions taking care of them.
I found it interesting how Bendrick's reactions (shock, horror, loss) contrasted nicely with the Sue's complete lack of same.
And I am also aboard the Bendrick/Aster ship. ^^
Dragon Age as a continuum has some very strong themes and motifs: Death, sacrifice, and hard choices. As soon as Bendrick is broken from the Sue's control... he's a part of that canon. He brings it with him like a turtle with a shell. Not to say he can't be funny, or be part of PPC humor... but if the Sue spurns all of those options, Bendrick embodies them.
And it's kind of sad. You see what the Sue really does... in her disregard for everything, she also disregards things she claims to love.
I've never played Dragon Age and I wasn't going to read the mission because I don't know the canon, but you wrote it so well that I kept reading anyway. This was awesome, especially since I didn't need to know the canon to get why it was so bad.
And I ship Bendrick/Aster too.
I'm not that familiar with Dragon Age, but I did like Aster's fight with the fade, and how you gave poor Bendrick a second chance.
Also, nice use of the Majora's Mask "Day" title cards, that was a nice touch.
Missions to me are a chance to make goodfic out of badfic. Or at least make less!bad fic out of badfic. Part of that is showing people around the canon even if they don't know it. Sort of like showing somebody your nice house... and then pointing to the nasty muddy footprints that SOMEBODY named Mary Sue left.
I meant actually to illustrate the mission, but the title cards were the only things that made it before the deadline.
Actually, I even entertained learning how to use the Dragon Age toolset and making a whole custom campaign that WAS the mission.
...
...
I can quit any time I want.
...I'm totally shipping Bendrick/Aster now. ;)
Pft, haha, Bendrick will have to give her an awful lot of gifts and keep the Approval FAQ open. 8Y
Yes, Aster got in trouble in mission 5. Honestly, it has something to do with how bad that fic is. The reason it's hard to finish is the same reason she got in trouble...
That was a really fun mission. It was fun watching Bendrick getting used to all this stuff while Aster was freaking out about the Sue. I wonder how she got in Trouble... I guess it's something we'll find out in Mission 5?
Overall, fun mission. :D