Subject: Hmm.
Author:
Posted on: 2011-05-03 23:28:00 UTC

Note: I am not a Permission Giver, nor do I reflect the opinions of Permission Givers.

You're definitely off to a good start. Pam is an interesting character who has a great deal of potential in terms of both humor and drama. I look forward to seeing her future adventures. It should also be noted that your attention to detail and willingness to go the extra mile are admirable qualities.

That being said, I had some pressing concerns run through my mind while reading this. People have already mentioned the formatting stuff, so I won't say anything about that. What I will say is that the text felt very dry and clinical, especially when you were unloading all the various military weapons specs. It's great that you're specific and everything, but there is such a thing as going too far with non-plot related information. The audience doesn't really need or want to know what kind of carbine stock Pam has on her rifle or what company made her grenade launcher. It messes up the pacing of the story and, frankly, it's a little dull. You've got to learn to trim away some of those extra details.

Anyway, not too shabby overall. I look forward to seeing what you do in the future.

Reply Return to messages