Okay, let's look at this...

Permission Request for Tangodown! by DML on 2011-04-29 19:11:00 UTC Reply

Howdy!

Here's my permission request. For characters, I currently have these two, although more probably will follow later. For convenience, and viewing ease, as well as formatting, I'm putting them on Tangodown! as pdf files.

The two characters I have current descriptions for are named Pam and Cliffy. Detailed descriptions are available on both links, and I'm working on hand-drawn illustrations for both of them. I have a full Character Design Reference poster for Pam as well, which is available on request over IRC only due to the large size of the file and the limited amount of bandwidth on my webs account. Both characters have a list of supporting characters that they were designed to be used in conjunction with (but are capable of functioning without), as well as very brief summary of each one.

The last character I have considered writing is a character named "Pants McGee" who will be a "completely faceless, nameless generic protagonist meant as a stand-in for the audience to insert themselves into" that becomes self-aware of his own lack of characterization and develops his own unique personality, traits and identity as a character over the course of his adventures, also based partially on the fact that he starts with little or nothing and must figure it out himself. Due to the genericized nature of "Pants" however, I cannot do any designing of the character at this moment.

Since I like writing the missions collaboratively --I just find it more fun that way-- I left them unattached to any particular department. I'm going to cast them as contract workers that just go wherever they're needed, so it would be easier for me to justify bringing them to different departments to work with other people's agents more easily.

For first missions, I already have two done up; Both of these were done as collaborations with other people that had Official Permission. I wrote the bulk of the narration, and we both wrote our respective characters' parts, dialogue and actions. Only one is available online at the moment, and it is the second in the series, which will be titled Tangodown! and hosted on its own webs account.

Call of Duty: Mushy Warfare Too
This one was done as a collaboration with Techno-Dann, featuring his characters Dann and Sarge, and my character Pam Ritchie. It takes place in the Call of Duty continuum, more specifically Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, and I'm not exactly sure where the story's set because there's really no continuity or reference to the original canon material at all. Credits and acknowledgements are given at the beginning, and citations are at the end, along with a short four-paragraph essay by me "Post-Carnage Report with DML" on romance and characterization and a Technical Q&A section. I intend to include similar sections on any and all missions I write.
Approximately 13.4k words.
Link to Tangodown!
Citations are given in the pdfs. Let me know if I missed anything and I'll add it in.

Hmm. by PoorCynic on 2011-05-03 23:28:00 UTC Reply

Note: I am not a Permission Giver, nor do I reflect the opinions of Permission Givers.

You're definitely off to a good start. Pam is an interesting character who has a great deal of potential in terms of both humor and drama. I look forward to seeing her future adventures. It should also be noted that your attention to detail and willingness to go the extra mile are admirable qualities.

That being said, I had some pressing concerns run through my mind while reading this. People have already mentioned the formatting stuff, so I won't say anything about that. What I will say is that the text felt very dry and clinical, especially when you were unloading all the various military weapons specs. It's great that you're specific and everything, but there is such a thing as going too far with non-plot related information. The audience doesn't really need or want to know what kind of carbine stock Pam has on her rifle or what company made her grenade launcher. It messes up the pacing of the story and, frankly, it's a little dull. You've got to learn to trim away some of those extra details.

Anyway, not too shabby overall. I look forward to seeing what you do in the future.

Re: Hmm. by DML on 2011-05-04 06:26:00 UTC Reply

Thanks. The character itself has been through numerous iterations because I wasn't sure how to write it at the time of its creation; the choice to write a character completely different from me, with completely different issues, completely different expectations and with a completely different worldview was a challenge I wanted to take on, and I'm glad it seems to be turning out well so far. I'm also glad the extra parts I put into the episode did not go unnoticed, as well.

I'll see what I can do in future episodes about all the weapon talk; part of the thing behind Call of Duty is that they occasionally do spend a bit too much time focusing on the weapons and equipment to try to make things seem more 'authentic' and it's embarrassing when they get things wrong or when things look out of place, or have been inserted for rule-of-cool. I could and probably will tone that back for other or future episodes that aren't so modern or military-oriented; you're not the only person that's told me that my attention to the weapons and equipment specifics goes slightly too far.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by 'dry and clinical' at the moment; occasionally I try to go for a somewhat sarcastic tone of voice when writing (a good example of this would be describing the way the law of lost plot critical items could have obfuscated something), but I felt that in this application it was best to keep the narration laid back, somewhat objective and down to earth, even if I did load it up with a lot of superfluous detail.

Okay, let's look at this... by L'Homme Arbre on 2011-05-02 23:57:00 UTC Reply

You have a title page. You have a table of contents. You have authors notes. You have multiple chapters. A short essay on characterization afterwards. Technical questions. A link to us. And finally, a bibliography. A goddamn bibliography.

Tell me, DML, does overacheiving come naturally to you, or are you intentionally trying to make me look and/or feel bad?

Jesus.

(Oh, and the mission was good too. My only comments have to do with formatting, rather than actual content. You seem to be indenting rather sporadically, which tends to be slightly distracting (for me, anyway). Same with the little section break things. Three asterisks or summat would make it much more clear that it's a new section of ths story. It's not really something to be too concerned about, it's just something you might want to watch out for in the future.)

Hope I helped,
L'Homme Arbre

Re: Okay, let's look at this... by DML on 2011-05-03 02:18:00 UTC Reply

Howdy! Thank you very much, the feedback is appreciated.

I'll try to fix up the indenting. I suppose I could put soft linebreaks after each one, as well if that'll help clear things up, and I'll replace the horizontal rules with the asterisks next update, which should be soon. I just have a couple minor changes to make and I'll reupload the PDF.

I like to go a little further when I write. Felt kinda odd not to include those extra features for an entry that size, so I added them, although it's something of force of habit.

This situation amuses me highly! by Aster Corbett on 2011-05-02 20:11:00 UTC Reply

I'm not a Permission Giver, but I adored DML's work, and I am very impressed by his ability to not only talk about guns and other setting technicalities but also TEACH them to the audience if they don't know, rather than just dump it all out there.

But I see two comments of people who would otherwise give Permission stating that they feel weird doing so because they are biased for DML-- one because Dann was in the mission, the other because Makari's been pals with him or something.

DML! I think we know the solution here! You got to stop being so darn popular! ;)

Re: This situation amuses me highly! by DML on 2011-05-04 06:31:00 UTC Reply

Heh. I know just how to do that.

(insert ragequit and Internet dramaz here.)

That ought'a do it!

Jokes aside, thanks, much appreciated. I love talking about little details, and it makes me feel great when my audience understands them (but does not feel patronized or talked down to), as well.

Wow! by Neshomeh on 2011-04-29 20:00:00 UTC Reply

Unfortunately, I'm running out the door and don't have time to go over everything thoroughly, but I am somewhat in awe of the effort you've put into all this. I'm not sure how necessary it is (since when do pop culture references and in-jokes need works cited pages?), but it IS kinda cool. The first part of the mission at least had me laughing pretty consistently, though your paragraphing is not so consistent. I'd personally take Dann's involvement as a recommendation in any case.

More on this later. Meanwhile, any PGs with free time wanna have a say?

~Neshomeh

Okay, I've seen enough. by Neshomeh on 2011-05-04 16:19:00 UTC Reply

Permission granted! This seems like a good fit. {= )

~Neshomeh

Re: Okay, I've seen enough. by DML on 2011-05-04 18:48:00 UTC Reply

Thanks, Neshomeh!

Oh look, free time. by Makari on 2011-05-02 06:29:00 UTC Reply

I am in awe of DML's attention to detail, and I find his writing highly entertaining, always a recommendation. I'm not sure I should be the one to give the yea/nay, as I have talked to him somewhat about it and am uncertain that I can be all... y'know, unbiased and such, like I theoretically ought be. Or something.

Anyway, he's got my vote, but I think I ought not be the final word? Neshomeh? Come back? We adore you? In the way that won't get a disapproving Phobos staring at us?
Don't think I can myself, but... by Techno-Dann on 2011-04-30 00:33:00 UTC Reply

I'm entirely in favor of granting DML Permission. He writes well (if slightly verbose at times), and definitely gets what we do here. I don't think I can give Permission myself due to potential conflicts of interest, but yeah. Thumbs up from here.
Thanks, sketches are going up now. by DML on 2011-04-29 22:38:00 UTC Reply

Thank you, Neshomeh and JulyFlame!

The sketches are going up now. So far only Pam's is nearing completion; the rough pencilling is finished, and I'm adding ink by using a tablet. Cliffy's will be on the way but I have a bit of a backlog of work I've got to get through and don't want to start multiple projects I can't finish.

http://delta-mike-lima.webs.com/apps/photos/
Not a PG, but want to chime in. by JulyFlame on 2011-04-29 21:50:00 UTC Reply

This is quite amazing work, excellent job.

(Julys vote yes even though they don't have a vote.)