It's our poor blonde pretty boy she's paired with. But that story has seriously pissed me off. I'm going to kill it as soon as I get around to my first few missions. It's a long story, so I need a few simpler ones first. Here's the link:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4648148/1/TheOnlyVolunteer
Some of the more notable quotes from it are:
- "Kel had lost control of her calm mask, and Joren found the show of emotion on her face very intriguing. He had discovered during their study times together that Kel's eyes became more green than brown when she was angry or excited. Right now there was only a thin ring of brown around the outer edges of her irises. Joren smiled widely, which only seemed to irritate Kel more and he watched as her eyes seemed to come to life with her anger."
(This made me want to vomit.)
- "As the 'best man'," Sir Paxton explained, "I am here to support Merovec and keep him calm, represent my father and vouch for Nond House's support of this marriage, sign the official documents, and certify that the marriage had been consummated. After that, the real festivities may begin."
Joren digested that last bit of information, "So you ... you have to watch them? And the feast has to wait until ... after?"
"Goddess, no!" Paxton laughed. "That was necessary back in the ancient days, when we had to steal our brides from their often disapproving families, but it's no longer required in these modern times. Thank all the gods that the only thing I must do is wait outside the bridal chamber. Mero will hand me the sheet afterward."
"The sheet?" Joren asked, feeling completely ignorant about the whole affair.
Paxton laughed some more. "Surely you know how ... certain things are done. The common folk are much less concerned about all this, but we nobles still like to verify that the bride was in fact a virgin at the time of the marriage. There will, of course be ... evidence."
Joren turned red with embarrassment. "I had no idea it would be like this."
"My father told me that when he married my mother, there was a Mithran priest behind a curtain in the room with them the entire time." Paxton shook his head at the memory. "Back then, he explained to me, the Daughters of the Goddess and their priestess would parade around with the blood-stained sheet and perform a little fertility dance before the feast could begin. Nowadays, all I have to do is show the sheet to the priest and then the young ladies will have their 'Maidens' Dance' to announce the happy occasion. It's much less embarrassing for everyone."
(This one is very lulz-worthy, "written" by "Joren".)
-"I was the only volunteer
To show you the palace ways;
You were the only volunteer
To help me write my essays.
When I saw you dressed as a lady -
Like all the others on a summer day,
I knew I could fall in love with you,
If you'd only let me say:
"Volunteer to leave your knight training
And volunteer to learn a lady's ways."
Then I will be the only volunteer
To love you for all of your days."
(It's hysterical and nauseating at the same time!)
(I added this one below because, although it's a bit more canonical than Mood Ring Color Eyes!Sue above, it made the Agent Sive part of me Bloodwrathy. Dom dueled with Joren
-----Spoiler Alert-----
in the fic to avenge what that bastard had done to Kel when she was a Fourth Year page about to become a squire. And she forgives Joren for sabotaging her tests a few days after she finds out who was on trial because Vinson was supposedly the main plotter in this fic and just needed money. Joren also wanted Kel to give up and become a lady. WTF? No one in their right mind would forgive Joren for doing such a thing, no matter what back story.)
- "Two minutes later, Joren performed an intricate twist and sweeping arc which sent Dom's practice blade flying into the sand. Kel was shocked when Lerant laughed and told her to look at the bright side - she hadn't lost any money on their bet and she'd be able to sit back and watch Raoul get his own revenge on the blond squire. His comment disturbed Kel so much that she went to Raoul before they headed out to the makeshift jousting lanes."
- "Relief washed over Joren when he realized that he truly was in the Living Realms. He'd made it back to the chapel. He'd survived his Ordeal! Severe pain made him wince as he brought his hands up to his face and he pressed his bloodied palms against his eyes to hold in the tears. He heard someone order him to lie still while the healer used his Gift to heal two cracked ribs and a severely bruised collarbone. Joren would need stitches to close up two small, but deep gashes, and time would heal everything else."
For the sake of sanity, I'll leave out the ones about the one time Neal and Kel kiss, poor Cleon gets neglected (he needs a bunch of hugs after I fix this), and Roald practically admits that he has a huge crush on her. I might be more paranoid than everyone else about these sort of stories, but to me, these deem it kill-worthy. I'm very biased against most enemies-become-lovers plots. I prefer canonical pairings, thank you.